{"id":2708,"date":"2012-03-30T17:34:39","date_gmt":"2012-03-30T22:34:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2708"},"modified":"2012-03-30T17:34:39","modified_gmt":"2012-03-30T22:34:39","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-33012","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2708","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3\/30\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future!\u00a0\u00a0 Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 You’re not going to win that lottery.\u00a0 Forget about it.\u00a0 You couldn’t spend all that money anyway, without doing something crazy like trying to bail out Greece.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Clostridium Perfringes.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0 <\/em>You’re not going to win either, but wasting $500 on tickets will cause you to study statistics later, and you can call that a consolation prize.\u00a0 Your parents will still call it stupid.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):<\/em>\u00a0 Statistics show that Geminis are more likely to win the lottery than any other sign – you still shouldn’t drop $500 on tickets, but a C-note might be in order.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Corynebacterium.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em>Your past will catch up to you this week, and old chickens that you thought were soup by now will come home to roost for a bit.\u00a0 Don’t worry, but don’t put the gun down either.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0 Your therapist will ask you about your compulsive need to check your Blackberry for messages this week – you need to tell her about the “ghost vibrations” you feel if no one messages you within 6 minutes of your last e-mail.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Cryptosporidiosis.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0 <\/em>This is a good week to pick up a book, since you’ve pissed off all the people who ever gave a damn about you.\u00a0 I suggest War and Peace, Anna Karenina, or possibly the Twilight series.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0 <\/em>This is a good week for hanging in the sky, finding things to do in Denver, and taking in Aspenglow.\u00a0 If you get too high, you’ll know you’re in the Rockies.\u00a0 \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Dengue Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):\u00a0 <\/em>Your week will be a blur of text messages, relatives, and slash fanfic filled with unrelenting narrative leitmotifs involving Jules Verne and H.G. Wells.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> This week, you are\u00a0your very own Dale Carnegie.\u00a0 You will win new\u00a0friends, influence people, and then dash them to the rocks of your\u00a0own little world.\u00a0 Remember:\u00a0 A friend is not someone you use once and throw away.\u00a0 A friend is someone you can use again and again and again.\u00a0 You have more of them than you think.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 E. Coli.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0 <\/em>The answer is “a totem pole.”\u00a0 Only you know the question.\u00a0 Don’t blow it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0 This is a good week to consider moving, not least of which is because there’s a hired assassin on her way to your flat.\u00a0 She’s a relentless, unstoppable killer, but she’s bad with paperwork.\u00a0 A change of address might buy you some time.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):\u00a0 <\/em>Never mind the above – it’s a good week to win the lottery!\u00a0 Make sure you have a ticket or 40!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2708"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2708"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2708\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2716,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2708\/revisions\/2716"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2708"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2708"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2708"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}