{"id":2700,"date":"2012-03-23T11:12:56","date_gmt":"2012-03-23T16:12:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2700"},"modified":"2012-03-23T11:12:56","modified_gmt":"2012-03-23T16:12:56","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-32312","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2700","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3\/23\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another Friday,\u00a0another chance\u00a0to\u00a0catch up with your own personal astrological future!\u00a0\u00a0 Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t\u00a0let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 By Wednesday, the death of Davy Jones from the Monkees will have finally sunk in – try to get past the crushing sense of hopelessness and despair.\u00a0 You can still believe in the daydreams!\u00a0\u00a0You can still believe in the daydreams!\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 When the FBI contacts you on Monday afternoon, remember to tell them you don’t read blogs.\u00a0 After that,\u00a0stay cool for 20 hours and\u00a0I’ll pay you 20 grand.\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Angiostrongylus Vasorum.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Nice roof, but it would look better\u00a0with a plum tree in the backyard.\u00a0\u00a0Tuesday will bring\u00a0you a chance to get your engineering on – jump in with both hands, a foot, and a hammer.\u00a0\u00a0All your dreams\u00a0this week will be naughty.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 There’s a difference between liking things to flow along because you’re a water sign and being willing to drown your troubles in the local creek – that’s illegal.\u00a0\u00a0Just\u00a0because you’re older than dinosaurs doesn’t mean you can’t change!\u00a0 When you see change this\u00a0Sunday, take it.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Israeli Spotted Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This week, it’s all about the bacon – you may as well change your sign to Wilbur\u00a0(The Pig)<\/em>\u00a0for all the greasy pork sammiches you’re going to eat between now and Thursday!\u00a0\u00a0 Sagittarius plays a large part in your week.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Over the weekend, you’re Alice in Wonderland.\u00a0 By Tuesday, you’re Katniss, and on Thursday you’re that chick from Twilight.\u00a0 It’s a slippery slope.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Tsutsugamushi Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week will solidify your relationship with hamburgers, the front office\u00a0admin assistant you’ve been hoping to sleep with, the Pampered Chef Catalog, and your mom.\u00a0 Remember to put your makeup on before you go to bed on Wednesday; you’re in for a hell of a dream!<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This is a good week for catching up on your sleep.\u00a0\u00a0You won’t, but this would be a good week for it if you did.\u00a0 Dream in red:\u00a0 bulls, vines, wines, and blood.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bunchy Top Banana Disease.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This week, you will flirt with the idea of changing your name to Hernandez, with a guy pouring drinks, and with two nurses as they sedate you.\u00a0 Thursday, your lucky numbers are 18 and life.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Tuesday’s Naked Day!\u00a0 Good luck will come to you if you wear the least amount of clothes you can this week – and none on Tuesday.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Cercospora Leaf Spot.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Your lucky notebook is Moleskin, but those blisters on your junk\u00a0aren’t because you’re writing in it every day.\u00a0 Take this week to work on being the master of your domain, and see a doctor.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Those Hawaiian shirts won’t get you laid, but this is a good week for that\u00a0hot air balloon ride you’ve been thinking about.\u00a0\u00a0It’s the closest you’ll come to getting high all week.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Chikungunya.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2700"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2700"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2700\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2709,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2700\/revisions\/2709"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2700"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2700"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2700"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}