{"id":2666,"date":"2012-03-16T11:06:24","date_gmt":"2012-03-16T16:06:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2666"},"modified":"2012-03-15T16:11:21","modified_gmt":"2012-03-15T21:11:21","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-31612","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2666","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3\/16\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another Friday,\u00a0another chance\u00a0to\u00a0catch up with your own personal astrological future!\u00a0\u00a0 Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t\u00a0let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Good news this week – you may\u00a0be asked\u00a0to marry.\u00a0 Let this fuel your self-esteem for a little while.\u00a0 The fact that you’d\u00a0never marry that toad\u00a0is unimportant.\u00a0\u00a0 That toad thinks you’re good enough – run with it!\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bolivian Hemorrhagic Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Wednesday will bring bad news.\u00a0 The bad news is that Tuesday wasn’t a dream.\u00a0 You really did accidentally cc: your boss on that email calling him a, what was the phrase you used?\u00a0\u00a0 An overinflated, flatulent, fop-mopped, inimical ingrate hack? \u00a0That really is your career you see flashing before your eyes.\u00a0 \u00a0Hint: “Reply All” is nobody’s\u00a0friend.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Saturday is your best chance to give your husband a great birthday present!\u00a0\u00a0After that, your week is on cruise control – watch your speed and you’ll be fine. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Lassa Fever.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You won’t get away with it.\u00a0 We have pictures.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 You’ll meet a nice girl at the\u00a0Monday happy hour, but\u00a0reciting your high school poems will tell her all she needs to know.\u00a0 You’re sleeping with the TV\u00a0on again, my friend – Blake\u00a0you’re not.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Yellow Fever.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You’re in for a week and a half.\u00a0 Sunday, while trying to rescue your dog from the PETA freak down the street, you’ll be bitten by an alligator.\u00a0 Bite back – they taste just like chicken.\u00a0 Wednesday, in the hospital recovering from your bites, you’ll notice the nurse flirting with you.\u00a0 You’re delirious.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Your\u00a0great uncle will leave you his second-best spittoon in his will, which will\u00a0be read on Tuesday.\u00a0\u00a0 Be grateful – you’re on the cusp of wealth!\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Yellow Sigatoka Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 You will be diagnosed with a seriously unstable condition this week, leading to brushes with fame and the stage.\u00a0 The big stage.\u00a0 If you need to worry, worry that you’re going to be so famous people will confuse other people with you.\u00a0 Kiss your privacy goodbye, and say hello to Rock and Roll.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Monday, you’re on the hook to bring the lubricant.\u00a0 On Thursday, two words:\u00a0 Panda boots.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Cholera.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This week is a good week to try to slip in those last-minute expenses for your corporate expense account – the CFO is changing his oil, and that takes three days.\u00a0 So go ahead – bill for that lunch!\u00a0 Never mind that it was a dive bar in Richmond.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Do you know what decomp smells like?\u00a0 You will.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Chronic Wasting Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 It’s your birthday, all week this week!\u00a0 Party like you’re turning 43, you boring old bastard.\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2666"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2666"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2666\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2703,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2666\/revisions\/2703"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2666"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2666"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2666"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}