{"id":2660,"date":"2012-03-09T19:24:48","date_gmt":"2012-03-10T00:24:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2660"},"modified":"2012-03-09T19:24:48","modified_gmt":"2012-03-10T00:24:48","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-3912","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2660","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3\/9\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another Friday,\u00a0another chance\u00a0to\u00a0catch up with your own personal astrological future!\u00a0\u00a0 Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t\u00a0let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 The last vestiges of your youthful naivete will be shattered this week like a wine glass falling to a concrete patio, splashing innocence and Cab Franc all over your clothing.\u00a0 Ignore it like it never happened and order a fresh glass of wine.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0When your high-school career counselor told you you’d do well in a job where you could use your hands and your imagination, she didn’t really mean the 900 number you’re running as a side business.\u00a0 Also, $4.99 a minute is a little steep – I’m never calling again.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Coffee Leaf Rust.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will focus both of your intellects this week, and together you will rule the world.\u00a0 On Tuesday.\u00a0 It’ll be the same old dichotomies on Wednesday, but still.\u00a0 Also, I miss that hot little black number you used to wear.\u00a0 Rrrrrr!<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0By Monday, you’ll have realized that your worst fears could be true.\u00a0 By Wednesday, you’ll be a shut-in, leaving your room only to eat and pee.\u00a0 Your only hope is to remember that everyone else’s fears could be true too – we’re all just as screwed as you are.\u00a0 Don’t sweat it.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Typhoid.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 The glorious rays of the sun give you an inner light.\u00a0 This does not make you any more attractive to the opposite sex, it just gives you better night vision – you’re still an asshole in a bad suit.\u00a0 Think about what you want this weekend, and then remember you’re about as likely to get it as Newt Gingrich’s next wife.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0There is no joy but the joy of work!\u00a0 Do you know, there are wedding cake toppers made just for people like you – a bride at a desk.\u00a0 Your organizational skills will not avail you.\u00a0 Lighten up – do you want to be a Virgo forever?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Black Sigatoka Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Your graciousness embraces all humanity.\u00a0 It won’t be enough.\u00a0 Play the lottery on Thursday, though – you never know.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You are driven by boundless energy and a desire to subjugate the weak.\u00a0 I say, have at ’em – you can’t do any worse than the boneheads we’ve got now.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Canine Distemper.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> Most of the time, the people pissing you off don’t know they’re doing it.\u00a0 You’re smarter than they are, so you should be in charge.\u00a0 God is on your side – and if you don’t have a god, invent one.\u00a0 You’re fucking Voltare, baby!<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You’re as married to your work as that Virgo!\u00a0 The two of you should work something out – corporates with benefits or something.\u00a0\u00a0 Aim for Monday to lay your plans.\u00a0 Aim for Wednesday to pick up the pieces and start again.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Campylobacteriosis.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Your need to socialize will be your undoing – when the Zombie hordes start marauding, you’ll be at the mall, people watching, won’t you?\u00a0 “Braaaains…”\u00a0 You can start practicing saying that now.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 You’re an overemotional\u00a0dilettante with a penchant for make-believe and a tropism for bookstores.\u00a0 Get over your bad self.\u00a0\u00a0Tuesday’s a good\u00a0day to work on that short story.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Streptococcal Scarlet Fever.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2660"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2660"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2660\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2667,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2660\/revisions\/2667"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2660"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2660"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2660"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}