{"id":2625,"date":"2012-04-24T11:35:57","date_gmt":"2012-04-24T16:35:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2625"},"modified":"2012-04-23T12:47:44","modified_gmt":"2012-04-23T17:47:44","slug":"doing-what-to-whom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2625","title":{"rendered":"Doing What to Whom?"},"content":{"rendered":"

So there we were, just relaxing in the kitchen, when up out of nowhere\u00a0came the topic of sex.\u00a0 How does<\/strong> this happen?\u00a0 I’m sure I couldn’t tell you.\u00a0 Since it was there, I took the opportunity to reiterate the standard message (“Don’t!”) to both girls and the boy, and I guess something caught and tugged on the elbow of her mind, because the Reigning Queen of Pink suddenly turned to me with questions.<\/p>\n

RQoP<\/span>:\u00a0<\/strong> Wait.\u00a0 Have YOU had sex?
\nBUMD:\u00a0<\/strong> I’m your father<\/span>.\u00a0 What do you think that means?
\nRQoP<\/span>:\u00a0<\/strong> Eww!\u00a0 More than once?
\nBUMD:\u00a0<\/strong> Kid,\u00a0count your siblings.\u00a0 How many kids are there in this house?\u00a0 I’ve had sex THREE TIMES!
\nRQoP<\/span>:\u00a0<\/strong> Ewwwww!\u00a0 Wait, was it all with\u00a0Mom?<\/p>\n

I really, really wanted to say no, but I was afraid her little blond head would explode, and then I’d have to clean brains up off the ceiling.\u00a0 We are obviously not clear on the concept yet, and I’m not going to fix that anytime soon.<\/p>\n

Then, a few nights later, I wound up having a totally different conversation with Number One Son.\u00a0 Planning for the summer, I’d asked him what he thought would be a good reward if he completes all his summer assignments and does them really well.\u00a0 (We’re planning a mini-homeschooling summer.\u00a0 Mind you, I say planning.)<\/p>\n

Number One Son<\/strong>:\u00a0 Well, you should probably get me a Nintendo DS.
\nBUMD<\/strong>:\u00a0 I am NOT getting you a Nintendo DS.
\nNOS<\/strong>:\u00a0 Well, it would certainly motivate me.
\nBUMD<\/strong>:\u00a0\u00a0Son, I understand that you’d like one, and that you think it would motivate you, but we’re not getting you a Nintendo DS.\u00a0 I’ve seen kids walking around with those – they have unnaturally large thumbs and\u00a0they have worse social skills than even you do.\u00a0 Not happening.
\nNOS:\u00a0<\/strong> But I could play the –
\nBUMD:<\/strong>\u00a0 Look kid, you will never<\/span> get laid with a Nintendo DS.<\/p>\n

Yeah, I know,\u00a0Father of the Year\u00a0Award.\u00a0\u00a0I hadn’t noticed his sister, the 13-yr-old Human Tape Recorder, standing in the doorway to his room, listening.<\/p>\n

HTR, commenting from the doorway<\/strong>:\u00a0 Truth.\u00a0 You will NEVER get laid if you get a DS.
\nNOS<\/strong>:\u00a0 Ha!\u00a0 So it’s too late, since I’ve already done that three times!<\/p>\n

The HTR and I looked at each other in something very near to horror, since you can never quite be certain\u00a0if he knows just exactly what the hell he’s talking about.\u00a0 On the off-chance that he was<\/strong> clear on this concept,\u00a0I promptly took the coward’s way out and suddenly needed to put away the toothbrushes.\u00a0 From the bathroom I heard her:<\/p>\n

HTR<\/strong>:\u00a0 Dude, do you even know what that MEANS?
\nNOS<\/strong>:\u00a0 I have a pretty good idea, yes!
\nHTR<\/strong>:\u00a0 OK, what?
\nNOS<\/strong>:\u00a0 Having sex!
\nHTR<\/strong>:\u00a0 Ohmygod.\u00a0 (Retreats to\u00a0her own room, slams door.)\u00a0 I am so not having this conversation anymore!<\/p>\n

Deciding I’d better man up on this one, I returned to his room:\u00a0 “So, um, just exactly with whom would this blessed event have occurred?”\u00a0 Mind you, what I’m worried about is the zero-point-something-small percent chance that\u00a0he’s not<\/strong> making this up – he’s that<\/span> cute, but I still list “eleven” as waaaaaaaaay too young. \u00a0(As noted, the standard message is “Don’t.”)<\/p>\n

“No,” he said, “I meant that you’ve<\/span> gotten laid three times!”<\/p>\n

Oh, right.\u00a0 With his mother.\u00a0 He’s got proof of each of\u00a0the three times, he himself being Exhibit Two.\u00a0\u00a0 “Well,” said I, “that’s because I don’t have a Nintendo DS<\/strong>.\u00a0 If I’d had one, you might never have been born!\u00a0 Now, go to bed and think of something else to motivate you!”<\/p>\n

And quit trying to\u00a0give your father a coronary.\u00a0 Sheesh.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You’ve Been Doing What to Whom? Birth Control the Nintendo Way!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[61,47,3,5,40,10],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2625"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2625"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2625\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2749,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2625\/revisions\/2749"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2625"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2625"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2625"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}