{"id":2622,"date":"2012-03-02T16:54:51","date_gmt":"2012-03-02T21:54:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2622"},"modified":"2012-03-02T16:54:51","modified_gmt":"2012-03-02T21:54:51","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-3212","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2622","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3\/2\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another Friday,\u00a0another chance\u00a0to\u00a0catch up with your own personal astrological future!\u00a0 What will next week be like?\u00a0 Will I get laid this weekend?\u00a0 How’s the weather going to be on Wednesday?\u00a0 (Bad, not even with an inflatable doll, and awful.)\u00a0 Your upcoming week will be solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t\u00a0let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 You’re going to split your pants at the meeting on Wednesday; bring a spare.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Norovirus.\u00a0 Stay off the cruise lines!<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This weekend will be the best you’ve had in a while, and that’s not saying much, is it?\u00a0 Good luck with the card game Sunday night.\u00a0 If you draw to an inside straight, you will be rewarded.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Good news:\u00a0 Money is in your future.\u00a0 Bad news:\u00a0 Not your immediate future.\u00a0 Keep hoping.\u00a0 It won’t help, but you’re cute when you hope like that.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Malaria.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Wheat germ and rye toast will be the only things you can eat by Thursday.\u00a0 It’s not the best way to lose weight, but it’s darned effective, I’ll tell you what!\u00a0 If you go below\u00a0110 pounds, or have erections that last more than 4 hours, call a doctor.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You know that hot air balloon ride you’ve always wanted to take?\u00a0 Not this week either.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Avian Influenza.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Try wearing a condom this week.\u00a0 You’ll thank me later.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You will print a document on Monday, but it won’t be on the printer so you’ll go back to your PC and print it again.\u00a0 The third time it happens, you’ll realize you’ve been sending it to the printer outside your boss’ office.\u00a0\u00a0Be ready to explain why you needed three copies of your resume.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Nipah Encephalitis.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0On Sunday, things won’t look so bad.\u00a0 The blinders come off on Tuesday – back on your head.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> Your phone now\u00a0calls you Rock God.\u00a0 What are you, twelve?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Equine Rhinopneumonitis.\u00a0 Play that on your guitar, Rock God.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You will learn to program in Objective-C this week.\u00a0 This will lead to your complete undoing, spelling out for you a long, unwinding doom.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0The stars have aligned and spoken to you – this is the truth:\u00a0 On Sunday, you will take out your garbage.\u00a0 On Wednesday, you will take\u00a0out your garbage.\u00a0 Thursday\u00a0morning, you will realize you should have also taken out the downstairs garbage, but\u00a0it will be too late, as your friendly neighborhood\u00a0sanitation engineering team will\u00a0have already come and\u00a0gone.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Persistent Leprosy.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0That wasn’t a banana, and it won’t be a banana next week either.\u00a0 Why do you even read these?\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2622"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2622"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2622\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2661,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2622\/revisions\/2661"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2622"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2622"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2622"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}