{"id":2592,"date":"2012-02-24T12:30:12","date_gmt":"2012-02-24T16:30:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2592"},"modified":"2012-02-24T11:43:32","modified_gmt":"2012-02-24T15:43:32","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-22412","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2592","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 2\/24\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here it is already Friday –\u00a0another week,\u00a0another chance\u00a0to\u00a0catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 You\u00a0will wake with the dawn most of this week, but you’re still getting to bed at midnight.\u00a0 When you see a 7-11 on your left, you’ve gone to far – there will be no return without stopping for\u00a0coffee and a lottery ticket.\u00a0 Your lucky numbers are 3, 27, 18, 34,\u00a042, and 3 again.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You’re not swimming with the fishes so much as diving with the dolphins this week.\u00a0\u00a0 That’s not what the blow-hole is for, and you’re going to be banned from\u00a0SeaWorld if you keep that up.\u00a0 Faa loves Pa, but not like that.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bacterial Walnut Blight.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0The stars show that a new gutter will be in your future on Monday.\u00a0 Enjoy it, it’s probably the only bright spot in an otherwise dull week – aside from all the sex, that is.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0The words “Now I’m driving the bus” will factor heavily into your week, starting with the hijacking of city bus number\u00a022-L on Tuesday.\u00a0\u00a0You can’t use your umbrella like a sword, but you’ll want it with you when the rain of frogs begins on Thursday next.\u00a0 \u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Stripe Rust of Wheat.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em> This\u00a0 week, you will become more familiar with lubricant.\u00a0 Best of luck with that.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You know what you know, you do what you do, but you don’t do what you know.\u00a0 This weekend may be your big chance.\u00a0 Bring\u00a0your cleats, a 3\/4 inch grommet wrench, and a dozen bagels.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Scrub Typhus.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You have to work on uncorking your army of flying monkeys without justification – it’ll get you talked about.\u00a0 Also, that scarf does not<\/strong> go with that blouse.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will find a new chandelier this weekend; it’ll freak you out as you will\u00a0fall asleep staring at it from Monday through Wednesday.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Meliodosis.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> The next band you fall in\u00a0love with may be your own.\u00a0 Grab a guitar on Monday, learn how to make it talk on Tuesday.\u00a0 Quit shaving in favor of practicing.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This week will bring nothing but misery and car repairs.\u00a0 You will wonder why until Tuesday, when you will hit yet another pothole and think the words, “Who’s the hack now, buddy?”\u00a0\u00a0Also, don’t shave if you can avoid it – you look like a sexy beast.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Muscular Sarcocystosis.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Your song is as tired as your radio, and you still haven’t told anyone your name.\u00a0 Congrats on keeping a secret, but the cat’s coming out of the\u00a0bag on Monday.\u00a0 Tuesday, put the cat back in the bag and tie it tightly.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Stop trying to dance – you look like Mick Jagger after a 3-week bender and hip-replacement surgery, assuming he was missing a leg below the knee.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Visceral Leishmaniasis.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2592"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2592"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2592\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2600,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2592\/revisions\/2600"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2592"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2592"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2592"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}