{"id":2558,"date":"2012-02-17T13:01:58","date_gmt":"2012-02-17T17:01:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2558"},"modified":"2012-02-17T14:00:10","modified_gmt":"2012-02-17T18:00:10","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-21712","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2558","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 2\/17\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here it is already Friday –\u00a0another week,\u00a0another chance\u00a0to\u00a0catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 You will finish reading The Hunger Games next week, and then be disappointed by the movie on Thursday.\u00a0\u00a0Keep your ticket stub!\u00a0 Someone you know will be murdered, and you’re the most logical suspect.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Canine Leishmaniasis.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You’re feeling better, and you should – but nothing says, “full recovery” like watching all 83 parts of Shogun<\/span> on TV back-to-back, just sitting on the couch and letting someone fetch you popcorn and vicodin.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You will\u00a0try new foods this week, for a very inclusive definition of “foods.”\u00a0 Mostly, these will be drinks.\u00a0\u00a0Be certain you\u00a0have a designated driver with you at all times, including while sleeping.\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Wobbly Possum Disease.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This weekend you will leave the house only to make sure the water is off and the phone lines are cut.\u00a0 Disconnect the\u00a0stove and turn it on; watch it fail to heat up and consider the emptiness of your life.\u00a0\u00a0Your lucky number is Catch 22.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em> This is a good week\u00a0to invest in that beehive you’ve been thinking about.\u00a0\u00a0 You can fulfill your family’s destiny along the evolutionary dirt road and go from Ape to Apiarist.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Varroa Mites.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You’re gonna love Wednesday!\u00a0\u00a0That was the good news; the rest of the week’s a suckfest of spilled\u00a0beer, boring lectures, and dusting the piano.\u00a0 Buy a lottery ticket and dream of a better life, you never know.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Don’t worry about a thing.\u00a0 Wipe your mind clean, like an empty whiteboard before some idiot uses the permanent marker on it.\u00a0 Now,\u00a0imagine the best Monday you’ve ever had.\u00a0 Got it?\u00a0 Good.\u00a0 Your Monday won’t be anything like that, but it was fun to dream, right?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Aujeszky’s Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0 The Nile, not content with just being a river in Egypt, is also a good metaphor for your attitude toward the future.\u00a0 You’ve been cursed with greatness, and no amount of whinging and slacking will save you from your eternal destiny among the stars.\u00a0 Get a move on.\u00a0 And keep the mirrors clean, you’ll need them.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> This is a week for making your wishes known and putting yourself first.\u00a0\u00a0It won’t do a damn bit of good, but you’ll feel better for having gotten it\u00a0off your\u00a0chest.\u00a0\u00a0Your lucky numbers are nine and six, in any combination.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Montipora White Syndrome.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 By the end of the week, you’ll have a new nickname.\u00a0 Make your choices wisely – they’re not going to call you “boat-builder” or “brick-layer” if that’s not what you’re known for.\u00a0 Oh, and that tie is awful – burn it.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You can’t forget, you can’t forgive, you can’t move on, but there’s nothing you can do about it.\u00a0 It’s going to dawn whether you like it or not – this is the age.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bartonellosis.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Stop thinking about plastic surgery – you don’t need it, you look great.\u00a0 Tuesday will show you how awesome you are, but only as compared to other things you could have been reincarnated as – not a real high bar.\u00a0 Don’t let it get you down.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2558"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2558"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2558\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2571,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2558\/revisions\/2571"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2558"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2558"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2558"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}