{"id":2535,"date":"2012-02-10T18:10:39","date_gmt":"2012-02-10T22:10:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2535"},"modified":"2012-02-10T18:10:39","modified_gmt":"2012-02-10T22:10:39","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-21012","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2535","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 2\/10\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here it is already Friday –\u00a0another week,\u00a0another chance\u00a0to\u00a0catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 You read too much, both into things and just in terms of books.\u00a0 There is no deeper meaning, that cigar is just a cigar, and you’re a pervert.\u00a0 Next week may suck for you,\u00a0sports fan – don’t bet on the basketball games.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Good call\u00a0getting out of the way of that Sagittarius who wants your job.\u00a0 The boss will fire\u00a0someone next week; let it be someone else.\u00a0 I know it looks good on you, but don’t wear the red shirt to\u00a0the office.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Fox variant rabies.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You should prepare for some serious calisthenics in the bedroom – limber up, you might be in for an all-nighter!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your lucky numbers are 18 and over and your safeword is “harder!”<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Don’t beer the fear, and don’t fear the beer.\u00a0 You had a lousy week last week;\u00a0next week will bring no change.\u00a0 Take off the tie and slip into your stained boxers, get comfortable and drink until you forget how to open them.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Poliomyelitits…\u00a0 Of the liver, of course!<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em> You need a new toilet.\u00a0 Get the one\u00a0where the lid automatically opens whenever you approach the toilet; it’ll freak out your pets.\u00a0 Besides, what were going to spend that $5000 on anyway?\u00a0\u00a0Don’t you think\u00a0your ass is worth it?\u00a0 The Toto Neorest 600 is the last shitter you’ll ever buy, and you need it this week.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will go to the Diner.\u00a0 You will have the veal.\u00a0 Guilt will shame your week next week, three days out of\u00a0four.\u00a0 When you have trouble sleeping, remember I told you so.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bluetounge.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Wednesday, something will happen.\u00a0 You’ve waited so long.\u00a0 You think you’re ready?\u00a0 I guess you’ll see.\u00a0 Oh, yeah, and it’ll happen at the McDonalds, so bring some cash and a box of baby wipes.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0 You missed a spot.\u00a0 You’ll be sledding down snow covered hills, catching mighty air and looking cooler than you’ve ever been, but no one will care because you missed a spot.\u00a0 OCD is not a bad thing.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 West Nile.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> You are the Tiger burning bright in the night’s forest.\u00a0 Your fearful symmetry is framed only by Prada, Manolo Blahnik, and the awesome power of your death glare.\u00a0 Your week might suck, but your month will not.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This weekend you will stumble across the world’s most expensive guitar pick at\u00a0 a yard sale, but you won’t buy it.\u00a0 Your week goes downhill in a midnight slide to booze and pills as you realize your mistake.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Brucellosis.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You need a nap, but you’re not going to get one.\u00a0 You need a few grand, too, and that’s not coming either.\u00a0 Resign your life to “good enough” and save yourself a lot of time.\u00a0 Your lucky number this week is fuggetaboudit.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You are back, baby, and next week, you’re loving it.\u00a0 Until about 2 pm on Tuesday, then it’s back on your head, and boring people with your new talking clock.\u00a0 Really, no one cares.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bacterial Tomato Wilt.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2535"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2535"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2535\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2559,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2535\/revisions\/2559"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2535"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2535"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2535"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}