{"id":2490,"date":"2012-02-03T16:43:47","date_gmt":"2012-02-03T20:43:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2490"},"modified":"2012-02-03T16:43:47","modified_gmt":"2012-02-03T20:43:47","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2490","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here it is already Friday –\u00a0another week,\u00a0another chance\u00a0to\u00a0catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week.\u00a0\u00a0Hey, we’re all excited here – it finally has a name!\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 Next week is a fast one.\u00a0 You’ll need to take responsibility for your actions – just remember that everything you choose will be wrong.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Chronic Cervid Wasting Disease.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Good news!\u00a0 By Tuesday, you should be fully recovered.\u00a0\u00a0Don’t get used to it.\u00a0 Thursday will find you back on your head anyway.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You will find yourself waiting on Saturday and too damn late on Sunday.\u00a0 Monday you’ll be holding your head with a headache that will have you in bed all of Tuesday and Wednesday.\u00a0 Thursday will have you feeling better, but still staring at the walls. Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Schmallenberg.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Don’t bother watching the\u00a0Superbowl on Sunday.\u00a0 Your team will lose and you’ll drown your sorrows in a frothy mixture of Doritos, shame, and cheap beer.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em> You’re in for a treat on Tuesday, but you’ll have to find it for yourself.\u00a0 That treat will be taken from you again on Wednesday unless you’re wearing traditional Bavarian lederhosen.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Porcine Foot & Mouth.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You have an army of flying monkeys and you’re not afraid to use it.\u00a0 Don’t be shy about throwing your weight around, except on the bus, where that’s considered rude.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You’re a traveling man this week.\u00a0 You will be \u00a0headed west on Wednesday and\u00a0south on Saturday.\u00a0Pack some extra undies, you’re going to need them.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Crimean-Congo Hemoragic fever.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0 Brush up on your foreign language skills, because you’re going to have unexpected visitors this week.\u00a0 Pick up a haddock on Monday and set it in the fridge.\u00a0 Once you can smell it without opening the fridge, kick them out.\u00a0 Your lucky number is 13.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> Video didn’t kill the radio star, you did, and the RCMP\u00a0will be looking for you this week.\u00a0 There’s no statute of limitations on murder, regardless of how bad a DJ he was.\u00a0 The insanity plea is your best bet.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Salmonellosis.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You will think about boats most of the week.\u00a0 Keep those\u00a0thoughts only in your head, because anything you board\u00a0in February will end in\u00a0Vada A Bordo, Cazzo!\u00a0 Big water is not your friend this week.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You are developing an unhealthy\u00a0moist towelette fetish.\u00a0 Weekends\u00a0are your own, but you need to leave this one\u00a0home when you\u00a0go to work on Monday.\u00a0\u00a0Your lucky number\u00a0is\u00a05 below. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Necrotizing Fasciitis.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Tuesday will be brought to you by the letter P and the number 4.95.\u00a0\u00a0 You will reach a pleasant elevation on Monday and Thursday, only to come back down and return to where you started.\u00a0 Get someone else to pay for it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2490"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2490"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2490\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2536,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2490\/revisions\/2536"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2490"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2490"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2490"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}