{"id":2394,"date":"2012-01-13T13:00:18","date_gmt":"2012-01-13T17:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2394"},"modified":"2012-01-14T00:31:46","modified_gmt":"2012-01-14T04:31:46","slug":"daily-dose-of-destiny","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2394","title":{"rendered":"Daily Dose of Destiny?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here it is already Friday –\u00a0how time flies when you’re struggling just to breathe.\u00a0 The Big Ugly Horoscope needs a better title – The Daily Dose of Destiny has a nice ring to it, but I’ll be damned if I’m posting this daily.\u00a0 Weekly Walk With Wisdom?\u00a0 I dunno, send ideas.\u00a0 Fridays around noon, assuming this server and I ever agree on what timezone we’re working with, you’ll have a chance to catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week.\u00a0 To wit:<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 You’re going to rock this week!\u00a0 Just kidding, your Monday will suck like everyone else’s.\u00a0 Deal with it.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0 Taurus, Aries, Aries, Taurus, ya’ll look so much alike I can’t really tell you apart.\u00a0 And you know what?\u00a0 I don’t care.\u00a0 Both your weeks are gonna suck, doesn’t matter.\u00a0 Your week will suck more if you wear the red shirt on Wednesday; you should just get rid of it.\u00a0 It’s bad luck.\u00a0 Didn’t you ever watch Star Trek?<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Sunday, drink two bottles of sparkling water and eat nothing but a banana.\u00a0 Monday, hit the ice cream like it’s that Capricorn who stole your girlfriend.\u00a0 Take Tuesday off.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em> You know that really funny dick joke you just can’t wait to tell?\u00a0 Take a pass on that one for now – your boss eats in the same restaurant and is sitting in the next booth over.\u00a0 She hasn’t found dick jokes funny since the surgery.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em> Monday afternoon looks good for that coffee you’ve been meaning to get with your old boyfriend.\u00a0 Don’t wear the same dress you’re wearing now; it’s ugly.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em> A virgin?\u00a0 Get the sacrificial knife!\u00a0 Quick, get the – what?\u00a0 What do you mean we can’t – oh.\u00a0\u00a0Yeah, well, of course they’re an endangered species.\u00a0Nevermind, um, you’re going to have a nice week.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You keep dreaming of food.\u00a0 Thursday you will dream of meat pies made of IRS auditors and topped with fine-grit sandpaper shavings.\u00a0 Skip the sauce, it’s bastard.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0 You really need to lower\u00a0your standards.\u00a0 You\u00a0think\u00a0a good week includes trips to New York, Disney, and Stockholm, or haute five-star burger joints.\u00a0 Let me tell you, a good week is one where NOBODY DIES and trips to the ER are kept to a minimum.\u00a0 Got it?\u00a0 Try to have a good week.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> Your boundless ambition is tempered only by your, your, um – nope, your ambition knows no bounds.\u00a0 You are an amoral saber-toothed tiger, moving through this concrete Savage Garden like a bullet in butter, and no one can withstand your force.\u00a0 This week is the wrong week to break off the affair with the boss’s admin’s daughter’s best friend.\u00a0 Your lucky number is six hundred forty-three.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em> It’s\u00a0on!\u00a0 Capri-corn, Capri Sun, Capri Pants! Let your inner nudist shine this week.\u00a0 Leo is large in your future on Wednesday.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0The guy you were dating?\u00a0 You need to give him one last mercy fuck and then ditch his ass this weekend.\u00a0 He’s not what you need, and you know it.\u00a0 He knows it too, he’s just with you for the sex.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0That noise you keep hearing in the bathroom is the mirror sighing despondently for lack of your reflection.\u00a0 You really are that good looking – you don’t need to lose that weight, you look fine.\u00a0 You carry it well.\u00a0 And you deserve that chocolate you’re going to eat on Monday, after the day you’re going to have!\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2394"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2394"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2394\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2407,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2394\/revisions\/2407"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2394"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2394"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2394"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}