So there I was, minding my own and just popping in for a few things on my way home – not like I was still on the clock, you know.\u00a0 The grocery store isn’t too crowded at my hour, couple of stiffs and junkies, geezers getting out for their daily fiber and trying to cop a feel from the checkout chicas, the usual shuffle of the old, the bored, and the employees, most of whom were both.<\/p>\n
I had just checked my list for the sixteenth time – hey, a drinking man’s memory’s got gaps – when I heard the loudspeakers crackle to life:\u00a0 \u201cSecurity, aisle 6.\u201d\u00a0 As I kept moving, it said, \u201cSecurity, please scan all cameras\u00a0in aisles 4, 5, and 6.\u201d\u00a0 I looked up to see where that was in relation to me, not being too familiar with the store, and I realized I was right next to those aisles.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Being in the profession I am, and trust me that you do not want to know, my friend,\u00a0I have a healthy enough sense of paranoia that I was perfectly happy to turn the heck around and not get involved or even be standing too close to something unpleasant.\u00a0\u00a0In my line of work, \u201cCleanup on Aisle Nine” can be code for \u201ckill all the witnesses and invoke the Patriot Act if anyone asks.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0So, I removed myself from the area of aisles 4, 5, and 6, and went over to the produce section.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cSecurity, please scan all cameras in Produce.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked around.\u00a0 I was, for reasonable definitions of the word, alone.\u00a0 It was me.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I turned around to look for the cameras and realized I wasn’t as alone as I’d thought.\u00a0 On the other side of the Produce section\u00a0was a knockout redhead with the biggest melons I’ve seen this side of Chiquita.\u00a0 I noticed the celery, the carrots, and the parsnips\u00a0all standing a little straighter as she walked toward me, and I’ll admit she had my undivided attention as well.\u00a0 It was a good thing, too, because she set the melons down on a display and pulled a\u00a0loaded banana out of her purse.\u00a0 This was looking less appealing.<\/p>\n
I ducked as her first shot went wide, winging a turkey in the frozen food aisle.\u00a0 Since I was pretty sure they were out of season, I assumed the turkey hadn’t been\u00a0her target.\u00a0 I took a good jump for the safety of the roughage, and her second shot slammed into the lettuce.\u00a0 Heads rolled.<\/p>\n
There was less yelling than I would have thought there would be, and I could hear the Muzak version of The Cure’s Lovecats as I watched a grocery staffer running pell-mell down the nearest\u00a0aisle.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0She took a shot at him as he made\u00a0an endive into the dairy section.\u00a0 She missed, but\u00a0he got creamed all the same.\u00a0 I took advantage of the distraction and threw a cabbage at my assailant.\u00a0 “Head’s up!” I yelled!\u00a0<\/p>\n
She turned it to mid-air cole-slaw with one shot and kept stalking forward, past the celery, toward me.\u00a0 “Who are you?\u00a0 What do you want?”\u00a0I yelled.\u00a0 “Why are you trying to kale me?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Stand up, you sniveling collard,” she spat bitterly.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Only if you put the gun down – I don’t want to get chard.”\u00a0 She lowered the gun, and I stood facing her.\u00a0 I’m not a religious guy, but right there in that produce section, I don’t mind telling you I made the sign of the cress.\u00a0<\/p>\n
As I got a better look at her, I saw she was sporting a black eye over her sorrel sweater.\u00a0 “Some tough legumes give you that, ginger?”\u00a0 It was the wrong thing to say, because she flipped the gun over and beet me with it.\u00a0 My split lip was leeking and I was more than a little worried, when she stopped and said, “I knew you’d turnip somewhere, chickweed.\u00a0 Admit it, you’re a rabeist.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Lady, you’ve got the wrong Swede!\u00a0 I don’t know what you’re talking about!”\u00a0<\/p>\n
“Don’t give me that horseradish!\u00a0 You were in Brussels that night, I saw you!”\u00a0<\/p>\n
I gave her a quick poke while she was yelling, and she dropped the gun.\u00a0 Store security swarmed her, and I took advantage of the confusion to roll under the garlic and split.\u00a0 Besides, I had to pea.\u00a0 As I was leaving, I heard the loudspeakers crackle again.\u00a0\u00a0 “Cleanup On Aisle Nine, I repeat, Cleanup On Aisle Nine.”<\/p>\n
Oh, snap.\u00a0 Time to run.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
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In my line of work, “Cleanup on Aisle Nine” can be code for “kill all the witnesses and invoke the Patriot Act if anyone asks.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[44,34],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2362"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2362"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2362\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2370,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2362\/revisions\/2370"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2362"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2362"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2362"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}