So there I was, walking into a Giant grocery store and looking as\u00a0innocent as I can without having kids with me.\u00a0 Mind you, that includes a long greatcoat in\u00a0dark gray wool and a fedora hat, black, plus\u00a0my jeans, but still – you know, looking slightly lost and checking my list while I pushed my cart.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Innocent.\u00a0 The kind of guy who puts the kids to bed and sleeps the sleep of the just.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0At least, I think so.<\/p>\n
As I took a few more steps into the store, I heard the loudspeakers crackle to life:\u00a0 “Security, aisle 6.”\u00a0 As I kept moving, it said, “Security, please scan all cameras\u00a0in aisles 4, 5, and 6.”\u00a0 I looked up to see where that was in relation to me, not being too familiar with the store, and I realized I was right next to those aisles.\u00a0<\/p>\n
While I do not, as a rule, watch television, I don’t live in a bubble either, and I have a healthy enough sense of paranoia that I was perfectly happy to turn the heck around and not get involved or even be standing too close to something unpleasant.\u00a0\u00a0We live on the outskirts of the nation’s capitol, and sometimes “cleanup on aisle 9” is\u00a0code for “kill all the witnesses and invoke the Patriot Act if anyone asks.”\u00a0\u00a0 (Also, I just this morning\u00a0finished a book called Never Say Spy<\/a> that features the protagonist getting the tar beaten out of her after being jumped in public places, and there might be some lingering paranoia there.\u00a0 Good book.)\u00a0 So, I removed myself from the area of aisles 4, 5, and 6, and went over to the produce section.<\/p>\n “Security, please scan all cameras in Produce.”<\/p>\n I looked around.\u00a0 I was, for reasonable definitions of the word, alone.\u00a0 It was me.<\/p>\n I turned around several times, looking up for cameras, and waved as cheerfully as I could.\u00a0 “Hi!\u00a0 Guy in a black hat here!\u00a0 I come in peace!”\u00a0 No one said anything, no one approached me, nothing.\u00a0 Also, the lady with the loudspeaker seemed mollified, because she shut up too.\u00a0 I can only assume I looked like her ex-husband, or her CIA handler.\u00a0 A few minutes later I was looking for spices, and overheard two of the employees talking about it:<\/p>\n “She’s got to quit that!” I couldn’t resist.\u00a0 “I know,” I said, “it was me.\u00a0 I looked around getting ready to duck or something and I realized I was the only one around.\u00a0 Whatever it was, I didn’t do it, I swear!”\u00a0 They cracked up, proving that they were really Giant employees or that they were under deep cover and very, very good at it.\u00a0<\/p>\n I walked out later, thinking next time I’m yelling, “In UR Produce, Steelin UR Beets!”\u00a0 There’s a huge aftermarket trade for beets, yo.\u00a0 Beets, bitches!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In UR Produce, Steelin UR Beets<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[34],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2356"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2356"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2356\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2358,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2356\/revisions\/2358"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2356"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2356"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2356"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n“I know, she said ‘Produce’ and\u00a0I turned around and there was, like, only one person there!”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n