{"id":2333,"date":"2012-01-06T12:00:12","date_gmt":"2012-01-06T16:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2333"},"modified":"2012-01-06T09:24:43","modified_gmt":"2012-01-06T13:24:43","slug":"friday-is-the-new-monday","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2333","title":{"rendered":"Friday is the New Monday"},"content":{"rendered":"

Only six days into the new year, and here it is already Friday.\u00a0 The ManFaq is gone (Long Live the ManFAQ<\/a>), but I needed something to while away the empty, sleepless\u00a0hours and keep the darkness at bay.\u00a0 You’re all used to seeing some<\/strong>thing here on Fridays, and I’m so used to posting something here on Fridays that I figured, why not?\u00a0<\/p>\n

And so a new feature was born:\u00a0 The Big Ugly Horoscope.\u00a0 Fridays around noon, assuming this server and I ever agree on what timezone we’re working with, you’ll have a chance to catch up with your own personal astroilogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.\u00a0 I’m sure you can’t wait.\u00a0<\/p>\n

We’ll see how it goes for a few months; if it sucks or I get bored with it, we’ll find something else to do – if it’s OK, we’ll give it the year.\u00a0 Let me know.\u00a0 As for the first one, though, you’re on:<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 You might be all that, but if you don’t stop basking in your own awesomeness, you’re never going to get that proposal finished.\u00a0 Shut up and listen to yourself.\u00a0 Hear that?\u00a0 That’s the sound of you procrastinating, you lazy slug.\u00a0 Why are you still reading this?\u00a0 Get to work!<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em>\u00a0 You know the difference between laid-back and passive-aggressive?\u00a0 Yeah, I’ll just bet you do.\u00a0 I used to drive a Taurus, and you know what?\u00a0 It was a lemon.\u00a0 I traded it in.\u00a0 For a pack of gum.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em> You know you want it.\u00a0 This week, you’re going to get it.\u00a0 Be ready.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em> The Sagittarius two offices down from you wants your job and will stop at nothing to get it.\u00a0 They’re already sleeping with the boss.\u00a0 Cover your ass next week, or start surfing Monster.com.\u00a0 I’m just sayin’.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):\u00a0<\/em> Oh geez.\u00a0 Are you really going to wear that<\/strong> tonight?\u00a0 Was it on sale or something?<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em> Perhaps it would be best if you said nothing at all.\u00a0 This would be a good week to keep your pie hole shut.\u00a0 Capisce?<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):\u00a0<\/em> You’re going to be invited to dinner this weekend, but you’re not going to go.\u00a0 You’re going to think about that invitation, wondering who else would have been there, while you’re heating up that shitty microwave diet food and feeling good about not drinking that beer that you know is in the downstairs fridge.\u00a0 It’s all OK.\u00a0 They’re having a lousy time anyway, and you going wouldn’t have helped.\u00a0 That restaurant sucks; they’ll never go back, and they’ll ask you on Tuesday how you knew.\u00a0 Don’t tell them you hate them.\u00a0 Just smile.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0 Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there.\u00a0 No need to go all ninja on people just because you can.\u00a0 Last week was bad, but it’s over.\u00a0 Put it behind you, and next week try to keep the body count to a minimum.\u00a0 Zero is a good goal.\u00a0 Your lucky numbers are 13 and Pi.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em> I know what you did last summer.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0<\/em> It’s your birthday, all week this week!\u00a0 Party on, Garth.\u00a0 Party on, Wayne.\u00a0 This is a good week to invest in that bullshit scheme your brother-in-law keeps trying to get you to give him money for.\u00a0 Party on.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):\u00a0<\/em> OK Gunga Din, time to get serious about that degree.\u00a0 You can only fake it and make it on your looks for so long, and you’re what?\u00a0 72?\u00a0 73?\u00a0 If you ever want to be more than just “that guy who used to carry the bucket” you’re going to need to find some self-discipline.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):\u00a0<\/em> Why does it always come down to sushi?\u00a0 You’ve got some kind of sick, cannibalistic death-wish, don’t you?\u00a0 Are you still masturbating?\u00a0 Next week’s not a good\u00a0week to stop.\u00a0 The week after that doesn’t look too good either.\u00a0 You’re not going to get laid so much as get hooked.\u00a0 Deal with it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2333"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2333"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2333\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2393,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2333\/revisions\/2393"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2333"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2333"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2333"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}