{"id":2253,"date":"2011-12-25T12:41:53","date_gmt":"2011-12-25T16:41:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2253"},"modified":"2011-12-25T12:43:01","modified_gmt":"2011-12-25T16:43:01","slug":"advent-of-holiday-horror-song-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2253","title":{"rendered":"Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 1"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>And this is it.\u00a0 <span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong>Merry Christmas<\/strong><\/span>, and <strong>thank you<\/strong> <strong>all<\/strong> for reading, singing, and moaning along with my pain as we got through another round of holidays.\u00a0 May your days be merry and bright, and may your ears not have to suffer any more than average until next year.<\/p>\n<p>Here they are again, quickly.\u00a0 Get it over with:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Baby It\u2019s Cold Outside (the Date Rape Song)<\/li>\n<li>Christmas Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks<\/li>\n<li>Mistletoe, Justin Bieber<\/li>\n<li>Happy Christmas \/ War is Over, John and Yoko<\/li>\n<li>We Need a Little Christmas<\/li>\n<li>Our Love is Like a Holiday, Michael Bolton<\/li>\n<li>Santa\u2019s Beard, Beach Boys<\/li>\n<li>It\u2019s a Marshmallow World, Dean Martin<\/li>\n<li>Feed the World, Band Aid<\/li>\n<li>Jingle Bells, Barking Dogs<\/li>\n<li>Dominick the Donkey<\/li>\n<li>It\u2019s the Holiday Season, Williams Bros<\/li>\n<li>Last Christmas, Wham!<\/li>\n<li>12 Days of Christmas<\/li>\n<li>All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth<\/li>\n<li>I\u2019m Gettin\u2019 Nuttin\u2019 for Christmas<\/li>\n<li>Holly Jolly Christmas, Burl Ives<\/li>\n<li>Santa Baby<\/li>\n<li>Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo, South Park<\/li>\n<li>Merry Christmas Darling, Karen Carpenter<\/li>\n<li>Stille Nacht, David Hasselhoff<\/li>\n<li>White Christmas, Lady Gaga<\/li>\n<li>It\u2019s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Andy Williams<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>We close this list, saving, yes, the worst for the last.\u00a0 You knew it was coming.\u00a0 You always new.\u00a0 Do you know, do you know, do you know what&#8217;s wrong with Christmas music?\u00a0\u00a0 Is it the shoes?<\/p>\n<p>Christmas Shoes.\u00a0 Look, as my good friend Shrek might have said, no dead chicks in the holiday songs.\u00a0 No maudlin mommas meeting Jesus allowed.\u00a0 Grandma, sure, she was killed by a reindeer, coming home from our house Christmas eve, but that&#8217;s it.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><em>I want to buy these shoes for my Mama,<br \/>\n<\/em><em>there&#8217;s not much time,<br \/>\nI want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Christmas Shoes is the worst Holiday Song in the world.\u00a0 It&#8217;s so bad, it&#8217;s actually self-referential:\u00a0 It&#8217;s like listening to Christmas Shoes.\u00a0\u00a0 If your momma meets Jesus tonight, kid, he&#8217;s not going to worry about what she&#8217;s wearing, and you know the only thing she&#8217;s going to worry about is Am I Wearing Clean Underpants?\u00a0 You&#8217;re better off buying her some painkillers, really.\u00a0 Can you imagine her reaction, opening that box?\u00a0 &#8220;Oh, little Billy, thanks for these &#8211; they look great!\u00a0 Too bad I&#8217;m never getting up again, Billy.\u00a0 Could you push this button for me, a couple times, to kick-start the morphine drip again, Billy?\u00a0 Thank you, there&#8217;s a good boy.&#8221;\u00a0\u00a0 Who wrote this?\u00a0 Turns out, it was a\u00a0group called NewSong.\u00a0 Here&#8217;s a hint &#8211; how about a new, new\u00a0song?\u00a0 Because this one sucks.\u00a0 <a title=\"Gosh, does that song suck!\" href=\"http:\/\/cache.gawkerassets.com\/assets\/images\/39\/2011\/12\/6f47dc8284585f811114bbd3fa1ab004.jpg\" target=\"_blank\">Even Gawker says so<\/a> &#8211; and I notice (with some pride, I have to add) that their list overlaps with mine in many places.<\/p>\n<p>Some people call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. Some people call it the Holiday Blues.\u00a0 We know better.\u00a0 It&#8217;s the Christmas Shoes Effect, and it&#8217;s depressing as all hell.\u00a0 Sad, Sad, Sad.\u00a0 And, because you didn&#8217;t think it could get worse, it does.\u00a0 Because the video has Rob Lowe in it.\u00a0 You know, because we really needed Rob Lowe to show us how\u00a0bad it can get around the\u00a0holidays.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>So click.\u00a0\u00a0Let me know if you\u00a0get past the first 30 seconds.\u00a0 \u00a0And remember, here at the end of this list, here at the end of the Christmas season, after our orgies of destruction and wrapping paper, that we do this to ourselves.\u00a0 Each year, we have heard these songs, and we have inflicted them on others &#8211; we have only ourselves to thank.<\/p>\n<p>Merry Christmas!<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/GJcPVB-we7g\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"420\" height=\"315\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This is an advent countdown of Christmas and other miscellaneous holiday songs that make me barf a bit, the ones you know you\u2019re supposed to love, but really you\u2019d rather spend your last dime on a morphine drip than sit through them on the radio again \u2013 you know the kind I mean. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[53,21,43],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2253"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2253"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2253\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2309,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2253\/revisions\/2309"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2253"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2253"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2253"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}