{"id":2249,"date":"2011-12-23T15:08:55","date_gmt":"2011-12-23T19:08:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2249"},"modified":"2011-12-23T13:47:12","modified_gmt":"2011-12-23T17:47:12","slug":"advent-of-holiday-horror-song-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2249","title":{"rendered":"Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 3"},"content":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was a real Hassel, and I’m sorry about that.\u00a0 Today *might* not be that bad.<\/p>\n

But then again, really, it might.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Look, I’m a Gaga fan.\u00a0 I am, I admit it.\u00a0\u00a0 Paparazzi?\u00a0 Yep.\u00a0 Bad Romance?\u00a0 BTDT.\u00a0\u00a0Telephone?\u00a0 Call me.\u00a0 Pokerface?\u00a0 Love to.\u00a0\u00a0She’s the closest thing we have to Elton John in the 1970s, and I love her for it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

White Christmas, though?\u00a0 We don’t have enough covers of this one?\u00a0 500 covers isn’t enough?\u00a0 Dozens of languages?\u00a0 (I think this one has<\/strong> been done in click\/pop.)\u00a0\u00a0 Bing Crosby said more than once\u00a0that “a jackdaw with a cleft palate could have sung it successfully.”\u00a0 Lady G says that she added a few verses to Irving Berlin’s original because it’s too short; did anyone tell her there’s an intro that she forgot to sing?<\/p>\n

The sun is shining, the grass is green,<\/em>
\nThe orange and palm trees sway. <\/em>
\nThere’s never been such a day<\/em>
\nin Beverly Hills, L.A.<\/em>
\nBut it’s December the twenty-fourth,\u2014<\/em>
\nAnd I am longing to be up North\u2014<\/em><\/div>\n

But no, she wants new lyrics, because\u00a0the song’s over just as she’s really getting into it – like a bad orgasm.\u00a0 She may have a question for the\u00a0ManFAQ with that analogy.\u00a0 (There are bad ones?\u00a0 I don’t remember ever having a\u00a0bad one…)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Nonetheless, she perceives a need and she\u00a0fills it:<\/p>\n

I’m dreaming of a white Snowman<\/em>
\nWith the carrot nose and charcoal eyes<\/em>
\nAnd oh when he cries I’m gonna tell him\u00a0\/ It’s okay<\/em>
\nBecause Santa’s on his sleigh and on his way<\/em><\/p>\n

Somewhere, Bing Crosby is chucking in his grave, muttering, “I told you so.”\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

Hon, when that snowman starts crying, kiss his ass goodbye – he’s melting.\u00a0 Water + Snow = Bye Bye Time for Frosty.\u00a0\u00a0 (Also, in the video I’ve included for your viewing pleasure, I have to say that last time a women moved like that on my motorcycle, it involved a trip to the ER.\u00a0 For seven guys.)<\/p>\n

Dreaming of a white, somewhat sticky Christmas.\u00a0 Yep, sounds like Gaga.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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