{"id":2238,"date":"2011-12-18T08:15:52","date_gmt":"2011-12-18T12:15:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2238"},"modified":"2011-12-17T16:20:52","modified_gmt":"2011-12-17T20:20:52","slug":"advent-of-holiday-horror-song-8","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2238","title":{"rendered":"Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 8"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>A few days ago, we covered the 12 Days of <del>Greed<\/del> Christmas, which sucks, but is at least a thoughtful recitation of gifts <em>received<\/em> rather than <em>expected<\/em>.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Santa Baby &#8211; you materialistic bitch.\u00a0 And you thought the 12 Days of Christmas was expensive?\u00a0 Let&#8217;s see, she wants a sable, a 54 convertible, a yacht, a platinum mine, a duplex,\u00a0checks of unknown denominations, Christmas decorations from Tiffany&#8217;s, and a\u00a0ring.<\/p>\n<p>There&#8217;s been a <a title=\"The CPI, brought to you by PNC and the BUMD!\" href=\"http:\/\/content.pncmc.com\/live\/pnc\/microsite\/CPI\/2011\/index.html\" target=\"_blank\">12 Days of Christmas Index<\/a> for a while, tracking the cost of the 12 days of gifts.\u00a0 For the sake of comparison, I present to you now a Santa Baby Index:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Sable:<\/strong>\u00a0 Russian sable is the most prized and expensive fur in the world for its silky quality, rarity, and light weight.\u00a0 Retail, a little sable jacket starts at about $16,000, and a top quality, silvery coat can run upwards of $150,000.\u00a0 You don&#8217;t think she wants the small one, do you?\u00a0 Me either.<\/li>\n<li><strong>54 Convertible:\u00a0<\/strong> From <a title=\"You can buy me this one!\" href=\"http:\/\/cgi.ebay.com\/ebaymotors\/Chevrolet-Corvette-STUNNING-1954-CHEVROLET-CORVETTE-ROADSTER-LOW-MILES-RESTORED-MATCHING-S-ENGINE-\/390373775922?pt=US_Cars_Trucks&amp;hash=item5ae4171a32\" target=\"_blank\">eBay<\/a>, 1954 Chevrolet Corvette Roadster, low miles, restored, light blue as specified in song, $89,900.00.\u00a0 And yes, you can by one for me, too.\u00a0 As long as we&#8217;re talking about it.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Yacht:\u00a0<\/strong> We&#8217;re not buying her Larry Elison&#8217;s megacruiser, here; she&#8217;s getting a nicely appointed 80-foot yacht, and it&#8217;s going to run about $3,500,000 just to get it in the water.\u00a0 Maintenance is her problem.\u00a0<\/li>\n<li><strong>Platinum Mine:\u00a0<\/strong> The Stillwater platinum\u00a0mine\u00a0in Montana began commercial production in 2002 following an investment of $370 million.\u00a0 This <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">might<\/span> be the &#8220;big-ticket&#8221; present.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Duplex:<\/strong>\u00a0 We assume she&#8217;s a New Yorker.\u00a0 Duplex, Laight Street, New York City,\u00a0$4,995,000.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Checks of unknown denominations:\u00a0<\/strong> Average &#8220;money&#8221; gift from Santa, including gift cards, is estimated around $25.\u00a0 She specifies checks, plural, so we&#8217;ll call this $50.\u00a0<\/li>\n<li><strong>Christmas decorations from Tiffany&#8217;s:\u00a0<\/strong> Santa key ornament in sterling silver, $225.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Ring:\u00a0<\/strong> We know she has a thing for platinum, and for Tiffany&#8217;s, so it makes sense that this is a platinum ring from Tiffany&#8217;s:\u00a0 Etoile band ring with diamonds in platinum, $2,450.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>I&#8217;ve got a total of $379,546,725 that I&#8217;m supposed to get under that tree?\u00a0 She&#8217;d better be dating one of Bill Gates&#8217;s kids.\u00a0 I&#8217;ll take $24,263.18 for the Twelve Damn Days any day.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>But\u00a0if I&#8217;m going to make you <strong>listen<\/strong> to it, here&#8217;s at least a nice version with a few Hollywood starlets\u00a0taking off their clothes.\u00a0 (Yep, that&#8217;s Elaine Hendrix, who I remember as Meredith Blake in the 1998 Parent Trap,\u00a0among other things.)\u00a0\u00a0 Maybe not worth $379 million,\u00a0but it sure takes the edge off, doesn&#8217;t it?<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<br \/>\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/Iter52ihy7A\" frameborder=\"0\" width=\"420\" height=\"315\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This is an advent countdown of Christmas and other miscellaneous holiday songs that make me barf a bit, the ones you know you\u2019re supposed to love, but really you\u2019d rather put $379,546,725 on your Mastercard than sit through them on the radio again \u2013 you know the kind I mean.  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[53,21,43],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2238"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2238"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2238\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2259,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2238\/revisions\/2259"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}