The 13th song.\u00a0 On the 13th of December.\u00a0 Which ought to be a Friday, but it isn’t.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Do you remember what I gave you for Christmas last year?\u00a0 You don’t, do you?\u00a0 I don’t either.\u00a0 Oh wait, sure I do.\u00a0 Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.\u00a0 And what did you do?\u00a0 You gave it away on the 26th.\u00a0\u00a0Just like that.\u00a0 The very next day.\u00a0 Just, wham!\u00a0 Gone.<\/p>\n
This year, you know what?\u00a0 I’m not going to give you my heart.\u00a0 I’m going to give you my frickin’ spleen, baby\u00a0– let’s see how long you keep that<\/strong>!\u00a0 Then again, maybe I won’t\u00a0–\u00a0you know I’m once bitten, twice shy, babe.\u00a0 (But if you kissed me now I know you’d fool me again, because I’m not just straight, I’m stupid.)<\/em><\/p>\n Yep, if Holiday Songs That Suck were weekdays, this one would be Friday the 13th.\u00a0 I’d rather rip out my heart and give it to someone special than listen to this 1980s dreck again.\u00a0 Just because some whiny schlockfest tearjerkoff mentions that the events in his hairspray-fueled horror story of\u00a0love gone wrong happen to occur over the holidays does NOT make it a Christmas song!\u00a0\u00a0 Adeste Fidalis is a Christmas song.\u00a0 This<\/strong> is an insipid ode to some Vincent van Gogh knockoff who’s trying to give away his organs and wondering why he can’t get laid.\u00a0\u00a0 Let’s examine:<\/p>\n She\u00a0has\u00a0a\u00a0soul of ice and a lover\u00a0with a fire in his heart.\u00a0 Sounds to me like she could use some of her soul to help him out with that heartburn.\u00a0 Probably ease up on the chili there, bud.\u00a0 Also, she’s not good with money – she gave away his heart?\u00a0 Do you have any idea what a decent heart is worth on the open market?<\/p>\n For his part, he’s been torn apart, but now has\u00a0found a real love – you know, today.\u00a0 He no longer has a heart (since he used it as a gift last year), so this Christmas he’s evidently going to give away another organ, to some new chick that he met skiing in Switzerland, who will give him\u00a0something<\/em> in return.\u00a0\u00a0Last year’s girlfriend of the hour will never fool him again, but she may or may not hold his\u00a0heart and watch it burn.\u00a0<\/p>\n Oh, sweet Santa Claus, all I want is a promise that someday, children everywhere will be safe from Wham.\u00a0 Full disclosure:\u00a0 I was unable to make it through even half the video, it’s just too painful.\u00a0 It sucked the first time – I had to live through much of the 1980s, I don’t want to go back!\u00a0 Ahhhh, the hair!\u00a0 The Hair!\u00a0 Ruuuuuuun!\u00a0<\/p>\n