{"id":199,"date":"2008-07-22T01:07:00","date_gmt":"2008-07-22T05:07:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=199"},"modified":"2008-07-22T01:07:00","modified_gmt":"2008-07-22T05:07:00","slug":"counting-sheep","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=199","title":{"rendered":"Counting Sheep"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

When you\u2019re as big and as ugly as I am, it comes as a surprise to some people that I actually sleep in a bed. (Of course, I only sleep for 2 hours and 17 minutes every 26.5 hours, but still.)   Anyway, if you\u2019re like me \u2013 and I am not for one minute suggesting that you are \u2013 it\u2019s possible that you, too, sleep in a bed. With a mattress.<\/div>\n
 <\/div>\n
It may have sheets. <\/div>\n
 <\/div>\n
And if you do<\/u> sleep in a bed, and it does<\/u> have sheets, then this post is for you, Gentle Reader. The rest of you are invited to observe only.<\/div>\n
 <\/div>\n
Most sheets are made from mattress-repellent fibers, which makes them excellent for use while hiking in the marshes of Squornshellous Zeta, but less effective for covering standard bedding on much of the Sealy, Serta, Simmons, and Tempur-Pedic planets nearer our own sun. In fact, you have likely woken up more than once to find yourself with your face pressed to a bare mattress, sheets wrapped around your ankles, wondering what happened. At least one of those times, you didn\u2019t also wake up wearing \u201cloud shoes\u201d and having an \u201cinexplicable\u201d headache. It was just that the sheets were trying to kill you. <\/div>\n
 <\/div>\n
Yes, those lovely percale cotton bitches with the flower pattern that doesn\u2019t really go with the drapes as well as you think it does, those things want to kill you. I\u2019m convinced that when you\u2019re not home, all the bed sheets bunch themselves up, grab the remote, and turn on Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel movies. (I\u2019m certain that explains the pay-per-view charges. And who knew sheets like porn? You\u2019d think they\u2019d have seen, well, anyway that\u2019s odd.)<\/div>\n
 <\/div>\n
So, since the sheets won\u2019t stay on the bed for the 2 or so hours that I\u2019m relaxing (with my eyes open, of course!), I\u2019ve tried a few tricks to keep the fitted sheets firmly attached to the mattress. I will share them with you now:<\/div>\n
 <\/div>\n
    \n
  1. Straps<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
      \n
    • Effectiveness:<\/u> Not Very Effective<\/li>\n
    • Downsides:<\/u> These are single-purpose straps meant to clip the sheets to the mattress. The sheets viewed them as \u201csingle use\u201d and fed them to the dust bunnies when I was sleeping. I never found them again.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
       <\/b><\/div>\n
        \n
      1. Superglue<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
          \n
        • Effectiveness:<\/u> Very Effective<\/li>\n
        • Downsides:<\/u> High cost of THAT much glue makes this an expensive option. The glue did seem to stun the sheets. Also, wait<\/u> until the glue dries before getting into the bed. I cannot emphasize this enough.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
           <\/b><\/div>\n
            \n
          1. Staples <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
              \n
            • Effectiveness:<\/u> That Was Easy (But Only Moderately Effective)<\/li>\n
            • Downsides:<\/u> The sheets were able to turn many of the staples during the night, so that they either let the sheets pass or, in several cases, actively participated in the cause. I woke up wrapped and bleeding, looking far too much like Christ at about the 10th<\/sup> station than I prefer. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
               <\/b><\/div>\n
                \n
              1. Duct Tape <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                  \n
                • Effectiveness:<\/u> Moderately Effective<\/li>\n
                • Downsides:<\/u> Since \u201cpercale\u201d is actually French for \u201cTeflon\u201d the sheets were too slippery for even the inimitable Duct Tape to adhere well. I had to wrap the whole bed, getting the roll of tape under the mattress (between the mattress and the floor). Needless to say, I promptly got a call from the ASPCA about my heartless murder of 3,472 dust bunnies who had been building a culture of values, harmony, and understanding under my bed until they got stuck to the tape. I say fuck \u2018em.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
                   <\/b><\/div>\n
                    \n
                  1. Fire <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                      \n
                    • Effectiveness:<\/u> Abject Failure<\/li>\n
                    • Downsides:<\/u> This attempt didn\u2019t go so well. The only things to survive in the room, in fact, were the fireproof sheets (which did NOT melt into the mattress like I\u2019d hoped they would) and 2 cockroaches, who got high while watching 862 dust bunnies shrieeeeeeeeek as they hopped around, lighting each other on fire trying to get out. I had to buy a new Sertans-Pedic. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
                       <\/b><\/div>\n
                        \n
                      1. Quikrete <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                          \n
                        • Effectiveness:<\/u> Moderately Effective<\/li>\n
                        • Downsides:<\/u> Hard, and itchy if you get in before it\u2019s cooled. Also, as with the glue \u2013 don\u2019t test it until it\u2019s hardened. Believe me. Just take my word for it. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
                           <\/b><\/div>\n
                            \n
                          1. Negotiation <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                              \n
                            • Effectiveness:<\/u> Abject Failure<\/li>\n
                            • Downsides:<\/u> I asked the sheets what they wanted. They showed me a book entitled \u201cTo Serve Man\u201d. Bitches.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
                               <\/b><\/div>\n
                                \n
                              1. Couch <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                                  \n
                                • Effectiveness:<\/u> Very Effective<\/li>\n
                                • Downsides:<\/u> I just bought that new Sertans-Pedic. Besides, the dust bunnies miss me. The cockroaches told them that the sheets lie, in exchange for me dropping a few buds now and then. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
                                   <\/div>\n
                                  If you have any ideas that have worked for you, or that you think might be worth a try, I want to hear from you. <\/div>\n
                                   <\/div>\n
                                  Soon. <\/div>\n
                                   <\/div>\n
                                  Because I can hear the sheets giggling. <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                                    When you\u2019re as big and as ugly as I am, it comes as a surprise to some people that I actually sleep in a bed. (Of course, I only sleep for 2 hours and 17 minutes every 26.5 hours, but still.)   Anyway, if you\u2019re like me \u2013 and I am not for one minute suggesting […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[31],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/199"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=199"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/199\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=199"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=199"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=199"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}