{"id":1911,"date":"2011-09-25T09:00:43","date_gmt":"2011-09-25T13:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1911"},"modified":"2011-09-24T16:29:16","modified_gmt":"2011-09-24T20:29:16","slug":"conversations-i-never-had-with-my-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1911","title":{"rendered":"Conversations I Never Had With My Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"

A note for the squeamish before we get started:\u00a0\u00a0Let’s just say this one deals with “growing up.” If you’re not into that, may I recommend the one about the car<\/a>, which is also about growing up but not as, ah,\u00a0sticky.\u00a0 Mind you, I know my dedicated readers tend not to be easily offended – those who are tend not to stay long enough to become dedicated readers.\u00a0<\/p>\n

There are plenty of conversations I would never have considered having with my own parents – not through any failing on their part, but simply because I had, when I was younger, filters that limited the number of things about which I felt comfortable talking.\u00a0 (The possibility that these filters have all burned away is left for this audience to debate amongst themselves.)\u00a0 The world has moved on, of course, and there are whole topics that either didn’t exist or simply couldn’t be discussed at the time that are now commonplace, but there are still areas where young children in the process of becoming young adults simply don’t always feel comfortable holding public discourse.\u00a0 Filters.<\/p>\n

One of the great glories of living with Number One Son is that he has no such filters, and tends not to understand that other people do.\u00a0 We try to educate him, sometimes by rote, in things that most people absorb through social interactions as a matter of course, and he’s gotten good enough at it that he’s fine in most social situations.\u00a0 At home, of course, his guard is down – first because this is his safe place, as it should be, and second because his meds have usually worn off.\u00a0 Still, there are times when the absence of those filters makes for some interesting discussion around the house.<\/p>\n

Number One Son joined me in the kitchen the other morning.<\/p>\n

BUMD:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good morning, Big Man!
\n#1 SON:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good morning, Father!\u00a0 Well, I guess I’ve had my first ejaculation this morning.<\/p>\n

Look, you<\/span> try being an intelligent, responsible parent with coffee running down your chin and a stunned, thousand-yard stare look on your face.\u00a0 These are the times, as a parent, when you get no warning of danger ahead until the river drops and you\u2019re going over this waterfall Right Now, and your answer in the next 2 seconds has the potential to define a part of your child\u2019s life, when you wish you could hit the big Pause button in the sky and think for a minute.\u00a0 It took me a second to rise to the occasion – I mean, what exactly do you say to that?\u00a0 How’dja like it?<\/p>\n

BUMD:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really.\u00a0
\n#1 SON:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.
\nBUMD:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Um.\u00a0 Well, OK.\u00a0 Uh.\u00a0 How’d it feel?
\n#1 SON:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, it felt fine.<\/p>\n

He could just as easily have been talking about the weather.\u00a0<\/p>\n

BUMD:<\/strong>\u00a0 Might I ask where this took place?
\n#1 SON:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was in the bathroom.
\nBUMD:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you, um, what were you doing? You know, exactly?
\n#1 SON:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well I was going to go pee and I noticed it on the end of my dick.<\/p>\n

It was a good thing I had already set what was left of my coffee down as a lost cause at that point.\u00a0 The best I can figure is that he had a “nocturnal emission” as we used to say, and noticed the outcome (sorry!) on waking.\u00a0 We had a brief chat about not bring this topic up at school, and off he went.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Number One Son, still making me say, “Huh?”<\/a> after all these years.\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Well, I guess I’ve had my first ejaculation this morning.” There are times, as a parent, when you get no warning of danger ahead until the river drops and you\u2019re going over this waterfall Right Now, and your answer in the next 2 seconds has the potential to define a part of your child\u2019s life, when you wish you could hit the big Pause button in the sky and think for a minute. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[61,47,5,40],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1911"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1911"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1911\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1923,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1911\/revisions\/1923"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1911"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1911"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1911"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}