{"id":1842,"date":"2011-09-19T12:37:35","date_gmt":"2011-09-19T16:37:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1842"},"modified":"2011-09-19T12:37:35","modified_gmt":"2011-09-19T16:37:35","slug":"driving-at-the-speed-of-summer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1842","title":{"rendered":"Driving at the Speed of Summer"},"content":{"rendered":"

We drove out to the Very Clever Grandparents’ House in the Woods a few weeks ago, in a valiant effort to cram in one last bit of summer before school started and we all went back to work.\u00a0 On the drive out, we were passed on the left by a nice-looking woman with long blonde hair who was simultaneously driving a Lexus and eating a banana. I decided that this, surely, was an omen, a sign from the Road Gods auguring a good trip, safe roads, and potassium.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The number one thing that Number One Son wanted to do at the House in the Woods was go to the Lost River Grill, about which I’ve already written<\/a>.\u00a0 He has made up his mind that at the Lost River Grill, you can get the World’s Best Cheesepuck. (I’ve had to apologize to any number of waiters and waitresses about that; he got it from me, and I’ve been unable to dissuade him from the idea that most people say “Cheeseburger.”)\u00a0 He maintains that the Lost River’s Cheesepuck is better than Johnny Rockets, BGR, and McDonald’s combined.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Sometimes the only thing between a good time and a great time is a decent cheeseburger.\u00a0 Without much fuss or ado, the girls all went to the lake for a nice long swim, and the Father of the BUMD (FOBUMD) and I took Number One Son to the Grill – our dinner plans were marinating at the house, but lunch was up for grabs.\u00a0 Number One Son decided that, last time he’d been there, he’d ordered his Cheesepuck “medium” and that this time, he was really thinking of ordering it “large.”<\/p>\n

After I finished choking on my beer, I had to break it to him that they were all the same size, and that the designation was in how he liked the meat cooked.\u00a0 He stuck with medium, and the Very Clever Grandpa and I stuck with beer.<\/p>\n

Once back to the house, we saw deer, birds, and spiders, but we didn’t see any gnats.\u00a0 They saw me, though, and they told all their friends.\u00a0 “Look, the fat one’s coming out of the house again!\u00a0 Quick, tell Bob and all five thousand kids!”\u00a0 The gnats were such a topic of consternation and conversation that when FOBUMD, who follows baseball and lives in DC, mentioned that the Nats had won a game, the Reigning Queen of Pink turned around and said,\u00a0 “I guess they beat the Mosquitoes!”\u00a0 Sounds about right, actually.<\/p>\n

The life and times of the insect population was, in fact, a major topic.\u00a0 Listening to the cicadas singing their hearts out in the screen porch; The Very Clever Grandmother wondered if they were talking to each other, and if so what they were saying.\u00a0<\/p>\n

So I told her, because I am The Cicada Whisperer.\u00a0 I can translate those chirps, no problem.\u00a0 They’re all saying, “Fuck me!\u00a0 Fuck me!\u00a0 Fuck me!”\u00a0\u00a0 Trust me on this – Hey Hey is the number one topic in the insect world, with food running a close second, and not becoming food a distant third.\u00a0 It’s a lot like prime time television.<\/p>\n

The ride back home recalled the returns from the summer’s earlier road trips, in particular driving back from the Jersey Shore<\/a>.\u00a0 The local signs and scenes through rural West Virginia and Maryland made me wonder about the contrast between that drive and the hike through the rural wastes of New Jersey.\u00a0 Coming home from down the shore, we drove through miles of farmland and scrub pines, where the only signs for miles around were advertising Italian restaurants and Gentlemen’s Clubs.\u00a0 Now, the entire area for about 80 miles around looks to have a population of maybe 100 people, tops.\u00a0 Outside of the Eyetalian Kountry Kitchen (“Good Vittles!”), the “We’re Rockin It” Gentleman\u2019s club, the “Sensations” Gentleman\u2019s club, and the world\u2019s oldest Texaco (they have a pump marked “Leaded” that I hope was just for show), there was the First National Bank of Elmer, and not a whole lot else.\u00a0 How many Italian restaurants and gents clubs can these places support?\u00a0 At some point, it becomes a statistical certainty that you’re going to see your sister, daughter, cousin, or wife dancing on one of those poles after serving you tonight’s lasagna special.\u00a0<\/p>\n

So what’s so different about the rural parts of WVa and Maryland?\u00a0 More hills?\u00a0 Fewer Italians?\u00a0 Is there a pole-dancing shortage out there?\u00a0 Are parts of the country just a little closer to the insect population, with the number one interests being Hey Hey and food?\u00a0<\/p>\n

As we arrived home, my ruminations on this road sign dichotomy came to an end, as did the summer – and in much the same fashion:\u00a0 “Oh my god, we’re here already?\u00a0 How did we get here so fast?”\u00a0 Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a Lexus go by as we pulled up, and I knew the banana had only been the start.\u00a0 It was a good trip, even if it did go by with the speed of summer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

At some point, it becomes a statistical certainty that you’re going to see your sister, daughter, cousin, or wife dancing on one of those poles after serving you tonight’s lasagna special. Also, sex is the number one topic in the insect world, with food running a close second, and not becoming food a distant third. It’s a lot like prime time television.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[61,47,5,10,49,48],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1842"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1842"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1842\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1873,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1842\/revisions\/1873"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1842"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1842"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1842"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}