{"id":166,"date":"2008-03-10T17:48:00","date_gmt":"2008-03-10T21:48:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=166"},"modified":"2008-03-10T17:48:00","modified_gmt":"2008-03-10T21:48:00","slug":"joy-comes-in-the-morning","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=166","title":{"rendered":"Joy Comes in the Morning"},"content":{"rendered":"

So, sure, I can take a few days off from typing here. Why? Because I\u2019m the Big, Ugly Man Doll, that\u2019s why. What\u2019s the point of being fascinatingly crazy<\/s> big and ugly if you can\u2019t kick back once in a while, eh? <\/p>\n

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Just to bring you up to speed from when last we left our hero: I\u2019ve been working, and if you think that\u2019s<\/b> hard to believe, wait \u2018til you hear what else has been going down.<\/div>\n
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First, I have to come right out and tell you: I\u2019m a torturer. I mean, let\u2019s not go all ASPCA on each other and everything, but yeah, I saw the shot and took it. Yeah, on the cat. No, I\u2019m not proud. But hey, it was like he was begging for it, you know what I mean? I mean, there I was, taking my weekly shower, and the cat climbs up between the shower curtain and the plastic sheet on the inside of the tub, where I can see him standing there, looking at me, taunting me. Have you ever been taunted by a cat?<\/div>\n
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So I took down the hose and I waterboarded that furry bastard. Not that I condone such methods, not that I would ever recommend nor approve their use, but under repeated torture the subject gave up the location of the Barbie who went missing last week, the names of his unindicted co-conspirators, and the location of the rebel base. (He\u2019s far too trusting.) Then he hopped down and sauntered off, tail in the air. A tough guy.<\/div>\n
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The Barbie, by the way, will remain missing \u2013 I\u2019m not going in there after her, never mind that I know where she\u2019s being held. That\u2019s Ken\u2019s job. Besides, that doll was probably asking for it.<\/div>\n
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Have you ever noticed that from about 50 feet away, with the volume down, Jimmy Buffet sounds just like John Denver? I better turn that up. Or get my hearing checked.<\/div>\n
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In other news, I\u2019m proud to announce that for the first time in nearly 3 years, I can finally button all my shirts at the neck again! Gym memberships cost about $500, and replacing every one of those damn shirts was not only cheaper and faster than losing the weight, but a LOT more satisfying. Lowered my heart attack risk, too \u2013 exercise can be deadly!<\/div>\n
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So yes indeed, Joy comes in the morning.  Usually after her asshole husband has left for the office.<\/div>\n
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On a closing note, go check your credit records. SOBUMD just checked ours, only to find that some Romeo got hold of our MasterCard information and ran up a couple hundred bucks in charges. OK, lesse, you\u2019re an enterprising young single person and you have someone else\u2019s credit card number \u2013 what do you do? That\u2019s right, you run up charges on www.match.com<\/a>, www.americansingles.com<\/a>, and 1-800-FLOWERS. Yeah, you\u2019re MY dream date, pal! Why do I hear Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond\u2026 <\/div>\n
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You don't steal me flowers \/ You don't filk me love songs
<\/font>You hardly talk to me anymore \/ When you pick up the phone
<\/font>On the other side of the glass





<\/font>



And baby, I remember
<\/font>All the things you bought me \/ All the lessons that you taught me
<\/font>Well I learned how to phish \/ And I learned how to lie
<\/font>You'd think I could learn \/ How to tell you goodbye
<\/font>'Cause you don't steal me flowers
<\/font>Anymore<\/font><\/pre>\n<\/blockquote>\n
(Just to be thorough, I waterboarded the cat again.  He swore it wasn\u2019t him, and I can\u2019t prove anything, so I had to let him walk.)<\/div>\n
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Anyway, go check your credit cards.  And next time you meet that nice person on www.HotSinglesLoveYouLongTime.com<\/a>, check for certain clues: <\/div>\n
    \n
  • \n
    _Punk Rock Girl_ is playing on the XM (\u201cWe hopped into her car and then we started rollin \/ I asked how much you pay for this she said nothin man it\u2019s stolen”).  Note make of vehicle.<\/div>\n<\/li>\n
  • \n
    Notice if your date seems inclined to spend money on you beyond their obvious means, or beyond what you know you\u2019re really worth.<\/div>\n<\/li>\n
  • \n
    Ask who\u2019s footing the bill for the evening, and take special note if they respond with something like, \u201cOh, just some big, ugly man doll.\u201d<\/div>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
    You are authorized to use waterboarding if necessary.<\/p>\n
     <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
    So, sure, I can take a few days off from typing here. Why? Because I\u2019m the Big, Ugly Man Doll, that\u2019s why. What\u2019s the point of being fascinatingly crazy big and ugly if you can\u2019t kick back once in a while, eh?   Just to bring you up to speed from when last we left our hero: I\u2019ve been […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[21],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=166"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=166"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=166"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=166"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}