{"id":1618,"date":"2011-07-31T17:09:43","date_gmt":"2011-07-31T21:09:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1618"},"modified":"2019-06-27T09:35:30","modified_gmt":"2019-06-27T14:35:30","slug":"15-things-not-to-tell-your-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1618","title":{"rendered":"15 Things NOT to tell your kids…"},"content":{"rendered":"

There’s an article over at Momtourage.com<\/a>, which usually has its head screwed on straight, that SOBUMD reviewed, retched, and had the Human Tape Recorder read as well.\u00a0 She also made gagging noises, and I was forced to step in.\u00a0 The article purports to review 15 things that should be said daily<\/a>\u00a0during your child’s teen years.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Needless to say, I can’t recommend\u00a0most of these.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

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1<\/strong><\/span>.\u00a0\u00a0 No one will ever love you in the same way or have your best interests at heart more than your mom\/dad and I will.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>Crap.\u00a0 This tells them that you and you alone are the only person they should ever trust, setting you up as an authority figure from on high.\u00a0 You sound like a bully.\u00a0 Are you unsure of your position as a parent?\u00a0 Why do you need to tell this to your child, or even to yourself?\u00a0 You are not infallible, and having their best interests at heart will not make you smarter.\u00a0<\/p>\n

2<\/strong><\/span>.\u00a0\u00a0 You have so many gifts and options; I will help you capitalize\/benefit from them as best I can.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/strong>First, see above.\u00a0 Then ask yourself how that would sound if someone said it to you, today.\u00a0 \u00a0This sounds like pressuring someone to stop JUST SITTING THERE and go out and do something with your life because I know I didn\u2019t and god I wish someone had kicked my ass into gear when I was your age, do you know I won that art contest in 8th Grade with Mrs. Grody\u2019s class, and I could have been famous but I met your father and he needed to go to fucking LAW SCHOOL and where is he now, I ask you, and you have so many gifts, honey, you could really do something, and I will help you monetize your dreams so we don\u2019t have to move anymore, OK?<\/p>\n

3<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 How can I help you reach your dreams?<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0Good question.\u00a0 A better question might be \u201cwhat are they?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

4<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 No matter what you confide in me, I will always love you and do what is best for you.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>Crap.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t have ANY lines or boundaries, you probably haven\u2019t been on planet for very long \u2013 welcome!\u00a0 Also, you won\u2019t do what is best for them \u2013 you\u2019ll do what you think<\/span> is best for them.\u00a0 Again, you are not infallible, and having their best interests at heart will not make you smarter.<\/p>\n

5<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 My job is not to be your buddy.\u00a0 I am your parent and will love and mentor you.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>As best you can.\u00a0 No arguments here.\u00a0<\/p>\n

6<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 I am sorry.\u00a0 (Say this whenever you hurt your child, or your child is in pain from something someone else said to them.)<\/strong><\/span> \u00a0Innocuous in the latter case and not strong enough in the former.\u00a0 First make sure you\u2019re not going to hurt them again, and tell them why you did it in the first place.\u00a0 Regardless, the word is \u201capologize\u201d when you need to.\u00a0<\/p>\n

7<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 I embrace your friends, but I love you the most.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>If you\u2019re embracing them so much that your kid wonders which one you love most, I hope their friends are over 18 in most states.\u00a0<\/p>\n

8<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 It is okay to mess up; I do it all the time.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>Wrong and wrong.\u00a0 First, it\u2019s OK as long as you learn from it, and you didn\u2019t hurt anyone else in the crossfire. Some things are important, and if you\u2019re talking to a kid and that kid is about to get a driver\u2019s license, then sometimes it\u2019s not OK to mess up.\u00a0 Second, if you<\/strong> really mess up \u201call the time,\u201d I\u2019m calling CPS.\u00a0<\/p>\n

9<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 I am sorry you don’t like my rules, but you will have to abide by them.\u00a0 I will hold you accountable if you break them and there will be a consequence.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>Crap.\u00a0 Rules are like facts.\u00a0 Have your kid read Tom Godwin\u2019s \u201cThe Cold Equations<\/a>\u201d and then talk about this.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care if you don\u2019t like my rules.\u00a0 Also, \u201cif you break them there will be a consequence?\u201d\u00a0 Are veiled and vague threats really the best you can do?\u00a0 Fear is a bully\u2019s weapon.\u00a0 Talk about what the rules are and discuss what the punishments for breaking those rules are as well.\u00a0 Make sure you follow through with them.\u00a0<\/p>\n

10<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 If you are in trouble, call me first, no matter where you are.\u00a0 I may be angry, but my first concern will always be your safety.\u00a0 We will talk about punishment or consequences later.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>Be smart and keep your wits about you.\u00a0 If you\u2019re in real trouble, 911 may be your better option.\u00a0 If you\u2019re old enough to be out on your own, you\u2019re old enough to call the police when you need to.\u00a0 If you\u2019re not smart enough to know the difference between when to call your folks and when to call the cops, you probably shouldn\u2019t be out on your own.\u00a0 Also, note the veiled and vague consequences \u2013 what are the rules under your roof, and what are the rules if you\u2019ve let your kid out to deal with the world on their own?\u00a0 Think about it BEFORE it happens.<\/p>\n

11<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 You are an integral part of this family, and the family needs you<\/em> to run smoothly.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>So take your Castor Oil.\u00a0 Seriously, one of my best friends was presented with \u201cyou are part of the family unit\u201d when asking to complete high school in one state instead of moving in senior year; the response was \u201cWhat, we\u2019re R2-D2 and I\u2019m an extendable arm?\u201d\u00a0 If you\u2019re really working with your child\u2019s \u201cbest interests at heart,\u201d remember that the best interests of the family may not be the same as the best interests of each member.\u00a0 Your goal as a parent is to raise a decent human being who can survive without you \u2013 not to outbreed the Joneses.\u00a0<\/p>\n

12<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 I don’t care what your friends get to do.\u00a0 I am not their parent; I am yours and you are my main responsibility and concern.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>Ah, making sense here.\u00a0<\/p>\n

13<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 I admire you more than you can ever understand or know.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>Back to the beginning of this list \u2013 you can\u2019t conceive how much smarter I am because I\u2019m older than you are.\u00a0 Your words<\/strong> are that they\u2019ll never understand or know how much you admire them, but what they\u2019re hearing<\/strong> is that they will never really understand or know you.\u00a0 Is that really what you want to say?\u00a0 Is the age difference between you the main source of your authority?<\/p>\n

14<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 If you get in trouble at school, be honest with me.\u00a0 Your teacher is the authority at school and if I hear it from your teacher before I hear it from you, I will feel betrayed or deceived.\u00a0 I may react to this breach of trust. <\/strong><\/span>\u00a0First off, make sure you know how this works \u2013 in this age of instant communication, the kid may not have access to a cell phone in the school, and you may get a call or email before they get home.\u00a0 Yes, of course they need to be honest with you in this \u2013 as with everything else.\u00a0 Also, \u201cI may react to this breach of trust?\u201d\u00a0 WTF?\u00a0 Back to vague bullying and veiled threats; I \u201cmay\u201d react, but you know, I might not, since if you failed that test and it was in a subject that I didn\u2019t care about anyway, and I always got D\u2019s in math as well, and I\u2019d had a couple beers already and you told me this bad news while bringing me another one, and it was nice and cold, you know, I might just not beat you for this one, but don\u2019t let it happen again, youknowwhaddimsayin?<\/p>\n

15<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 From the first time I saw your eyes, I vowed to be the best parent I could be for you.\u00a0 I make mistakes but they are not meant to hurt you.\u00a0 I make them because I love you so much and get scared sometimes.\u00a0 It is hard parenting a teen (your child will understand this confession).\u00a0 <\/strong><\/span>Crap.\u00a0 Unless your child is a teen parent as well as a teen child, they\u2019re unlikely to understand this confession \u2013 as you yourself have stated pretty explicitly in Number 13 and implicitly in many of the rest of these.\u00a0 \u201cI make mistakes, but I don\u2019t make them to hurt you, I make them because I love you.\u201d\u00a0 What in the hell kind of logic do you think your kid is using?\u00a0 \u00a0What the hell kind of logic are YOU using?\u00a0\u00a0 You were doing better with Number 8 (\u201cIt\u2019s OK to mess up!\u201d) than you are here \u2013 are you seriously excusing your mistakes by blaming them on \u201cI love you so much?\u201d\u00a0 I assure you that your teenager will read this as \u201cI make mistakes and they are your fault,\u201d which is actually what you\u2019re trying to say.\u00a0 It\u2019s not your fault, is it?\u00a0 It never was your fault.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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After this, it would be disingenuous of me not to post my own set of Big Ugly Truths to say to your kids.\u00a0 Look for that post this week.<\/a><\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Are you seriously excusing your mistakes by blaming them on \u201cI love you so much?\u201d I assure you that your teenager will read this as \u201cI make mistakes and they are your fault,\u201d which is actually what you\u2019re trying to say. It\u2019s not your fault, is it? It never was your fault.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[61,47,3,40,23,4],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1618"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1618"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1618\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4178,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1618\/revisions\/4178"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1618"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1618"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1618"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}