{"id":1388,"date":"2011-05-19T07:12:34","date_gmt":"2011-05-19T11:12:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1388"},"modified":"2011-05-19T07:12:34","modified_gmt":"2011-05-19T11:12:34","slug":"countdown-to-the-rapture-ngm-edition-%e2%80%93-day-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1388","title":{"rendered":"Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 2"},"content":{"rendered":"

“This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”\u00a0 Well, we’ll never have to deal with another one – the world ends on Saturday.\u00a0 There are only two days left before the end of the world – 48 hours.\u00a0 Someone call Eddie Murphy.<\/p>\n

\n
\n
\"Demonic<\/a><\/dt>\n
Demonic Cedarball Droppings<\/dd>\n<\/dl>\n

What, you don’t think we’re up against the Rapture?\u00a0 Check out the demon droppings caught in my friend Auntie Jenny’s<\/a> cedar tree the other day.\u00a0 These appeared overnight, and since cedar was once sacred, we can be sure that this is a true vision of the coming mope-fest for sinners, the glorious ascension, the One Last Time to overplay REM on the radio – the End of Days.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Well, demonic cedar rust ball droppings are just one more thing on the big list of things I’m Not Gonna Miss come the Rapture.\u00a0 Here’s the list so far:<\/p>\n

Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>.
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer<\/a>.
\nNumber 6:\u00a0 Natural Disasters<\/a>.
\nNumber 5:\u00a0 Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong<\/a>.
\nNumber 4:\u00a0 Organized religions<\/a>.
\nNumber 3:\u00a0 Dieting<\/a>.
\nNumber 2: <\/strong>Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

You can name them as well as I can.\u00a0 In fact, recent polls suggest you can name them better than I can.\u00a0 Charlie Sheen.\u00a0 Lindsay Lohan.\u00a0 Cher, off and on.\u00a0 Charlie Sheen.\u00a0 Miley Cyrus.\u00a0 Britney Spears.\u00a0 Charlie Sheen.\u00a0 Paris Hilton, though who can blame her?\u00a0 Oh yeah, we can.\u00a0 Courtney Love, to say nothing of her late Kurt.\u00a0 Zevon said it<\/a>: “It’s tough to be somebody.\u00a0 It’s hard to keep from falling apart.\u00a0 Here on Rehab Mountain, we all learn these things by heart.”\u00a0 And oh yeah, since he reminds me – Liza and Liz, back in the day.\u00a0 Oh, and let’s not forget Tiger’s Wood.<\/p>\n

And this isn’t limited to “the arts” either – we have the best politicians money can buy, and you know what happens to them <\/strong>once they hit that “hey, I’m a famous person” threshold.\u00a0 Um, Arnold?\u00a0 Wouldn’t it have been cheaper just to get another gym membership?\u00a0 Did you really need to lift THOSE weights?\u00a0 (Sheesh, he married a Kennedy – don’t they have a support group for that sort of thing?)\u00a0<\/p>\n

I know it’s probably hard to teach your kids by example when they’re famous and you’re not, or if they didn’t grow up with that kind of money.\u00a0 But really, most of them didn’t wake up one morning and find out they were famous – can you not envision some warning system?\u00a0 In fact, I’m going to start one now, just in case anyone becomes dangerously famous between now and the Rapture!\u00a0 I hereby announce and declare the Elvis Alert, to be used when some poor poor pitiful fame-whore, celebretard, or news-hounding politico is coming close to the Charlie Sheen Line.\u00a0 If they’re mentioned on TMZ more than CNN, it could be time for an Elvis Alert.<\/p>\n

So Lord – most famous of them all – please, because I’m Not Gonna Miss Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity, call the Rapture on May 21st.\u00a0 And please, take Charlie Sheen first, OK?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Countdown to the Rapture: Because I’m Not Gonna Miss Celebrities who can’t handle celebrity, call the Rapture on May 21st. And please, take Charlie Sheen first, OK?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[51,16,14],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1388"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1388"}],"version-history":[{"count":14,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1388\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1403,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1388\/revisions\/1403"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1388"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1388"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1388"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}