\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n 2011: The Last Year?<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 10 May, 2011 |\u00a011 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n Thus I have heard:\u00a0 We live in the end of days, and 21 May 2011 will be the last day.\u00a0\u00a0 The internets told me so<\/a>, and the very fundamentalist Christians <\/a>told the internets.\u00a0\u00a0 Since it\u2019s on the internet, it must be true.\u00a0 Therefore, starting tomorrow, I\u2019m going to start counting down the top ten things thatI\u2019m Not Gonna Miss, come the Rapture.<\/p>\n Tell me, tell me, readers \u2013 what are YOU Not Gonna Miss when the world ends?\u00a0\u00a0 Will your pet peeve make the list?\u00a0\u00a0 Comments here \u2013 and remember, you only have 11 days to go!\u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 10<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 11 May, 2011 |\u00a02 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n There are only 10 days left \u2019til the end of the world, per the internet, which is the only news source worth quoting anymore and therefore it must be true.\u00a0 I know, we\u2019ve come close before <\/a>, but we here at Big Ugly Central are reliably informed that this is the real deal.\u00a0 We\u2019re planning a huge May 21 End Of The World party to celebrate the Rapture, when there will be no more future, no more past, the judgment, the end of everything on earth, the end of Time.\u00a0 Rain date is May 22.<\/p>\n So, with 10 days to go, I\u2019m going to highlight a different thing each day that I\u2019m NOT GONNA MISS when the freakin\u2019 world ends.<\/p>\n Sure, there will be moaning and great gnashing of teeth (don\u2019t worry if you don\u2019t have any, I\u2019m reliably informed that teeth will be provided for your gnashing pleasure).\u00a0 Sure, there will be pain and suffering and right bad weather.\u00a0 Sure, it\u2019s the end of the world as we know it, and we feel fine.\u00a0 But despite all that, despite all the good things that will end too soon come the Rapture, there\u2019s a host of things that, let\u2019s face it, you\u2019re Not Gonna Miss.\u00a0 Please feel free to comment with your own NGM comments as well \u2013 I\u2019ll tally them all up and see what we\u2019re all least likely to miss at the end!\u00a0 For right now, I\u2019m going to kick this off with:<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n For the love of all that is holy, please God, call the Rapture early so we don\u2019t have to see any more of that bird\u2019s nest on the head of the Donald.\u00a0 Really.\u00a0 You called home the peacock on Herbert Haft\u2019s head, you seem to have calmed the storm of Don King\u2019s superglued coiffure, and I no longer wanna get me an Al Sharpton haircut.\u00a0 If the Donald buys his way onto the Republican ticket, I worry that his legions of preppie minions will be marching in peaceful demonstration, arm in Armani-clad arm, singing \u201cWe Shall Overcomb\u201d though the streets of New York.<\/p>\n So God, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss <\/strong>the Donald\u2019s Hair \u2013 call the Rapture on May 21.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 9<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 12 May, 2011 |\u00a06 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n We\u2019re into single digits \u2013 there are now only 9 full days left \u2019til the end of the world.\u00a0 In case you still doubt, yesterday was to mark the destruction of Rome<\/a>.\u00a0 Hundreds of people fled the city; luckily for them, Rome wasn\u2019t destroyed in a day.<\/p>\n Anyway, I\u2019m highlighting a different thing each day that I\u2019m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture.\u00a0 Please continue to comment with your own NGM thoughts as well \u2013 I\u2019m keeping the list, and I\u2019ll tally them up and see what we\u2019re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair.<\/a> Every winter in the Northern hemisphere, people take time out from meebling about their pathetic little lives to \u201ccount their blessings.\u201d\u00a0 They give thanks for things they take for granted, like cars, and for things that really matter to them and make a positive difference in their lives, like the latest episode of Glee.\u00a0 Then they get in their cars, humming unrecognizable versions of songs you were too stoned to remember the first <\/strong>time they were hits, and stop halfway up the icy hill.<\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t matter where you are, what state, how much snow you do or don\u2019t get \u2013 there\u2019s always some idiot who chickens out halfway up the damn hill and can\u2019t get started again, despite having paid extra for the Sport-n-Weather Package down at the Gas-n-Go, with those cute Pirelli tires starting to spin as they slide to the right and then sideways back down the hill, looking more surprised than embarrassed.\u00a0 They\u2019re usually right in front of me.\u00a0 What is so hard about this?\u00a0 Don\u2019t stop on the hill.\u00a0 Don\u2019t. Stop. On. The. Hill.\u00a0\u00a0 SOBUMD and I will open the curtains and a bottle of wine on a snowy day, counting morons as they stop on the hill and go sliding.\u00a0\u00a0 Bonus points for busses.<\/p>\n So God, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss people who can\u2019t drive in bad weather \u2013 call the Rapture on May 21.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 8<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 13 May, 2011 |\u00a01 Comment<\/a><\/p>\n There are only 8 days left until the end of the world.\u00a0 That\u2019s 192 hours.\u00a0 Only 11,520 minutes to the Rapture.<\/p>\n That\u2019s 11,520 minutes that we still have to live with a whole lotta stuff that we\u2019re Not Gonna Miss <\/strong>when the world ends on Saturday, May 21, such as:<\/p>\n 10.\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair Please re-post this as your status if you or someone you know has been affected by the End of Days. The Rapture has affected millions \u2013 and polls show 3 of 4 people make up nearly 75% of the population! I know only 3% will repost this and a damn sight fewer will be caught up in any Rapture. Please, support Rapture awareness by leaving this as your status for an hour, and include this handy link:\u00a0 http:\/\/bit.ly\/mr5Q1T<\/a><\/p>\n Come on, God.\u00a0 Call the Rapture on May 21st, because I am so Not Gonna Miss those crazy Facebook status update memes.\u00a0 Or at least post the above on Your divine Page \u2013 I could really use the ad revenue.\u00a0 You know, in case the world doesn\u2019t end.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 7<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 14 May, 2011 |\u00a02 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n Seven days, that\u2019s all she wrote \u2013 a cosmic ultimatum note!\u00a0 As we plan for our End of Days party on the 21st, I\u2019m highlighting a different thing each day that I\u2019m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture.\u00a0 Please continue to comment with your own NGM thoughts as well \u2013 I\u2019m keeping the list, and I\u2019ll tally them up and see what we\u2019re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>. Look, let\u2019s be blunt:\u00a0 I\u2019m a snob.\u00a0 I get that.\u00a0 I\u2019m a beer snob.\u00a0 I used to, by which I mean before I had kids running around underfoot, make my own beer.\u00a0 I grew up in the 1970s, a decade when Americans took their eye off the ball long enough for Budweiser to start putting rice in their beer.\u00a0 I\u2019m told that an ice cold Bud in the shade was a good thing, back in the 1950s \u2013 and don\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019m sure it\u2019s a fine thing still.\u00a0 Sex in a canoe is nice too, and just like Bud these days, it\u2019s fucking close to water.<\/p>\n Fritz Maytag over with Anchor, along with Jim Koch from Sam Adams and the home brewing movement in the mid 1990s tried to rescue us, and we may be winning the battles for the bottles.\u00a0 But I still walk into bars and, on inquiring, am told, \u201cNo micros, no imports, no bottles.\u201d\u00a0 Do you know how awful it is to have to drink water in a bar?\u00a0 Cheap beer still has a chokehold on the American beer drinker, and it\u2019s just wrong.<\/p>\n I do worry about the Rapture in relation to beer \u2013 as we know, In Heaven There is no Beer<\/a>.\u00a0 I think I\u2019d better get a decent ale out of the fridge now, just in case \u2013 and lay in a one week supply!\u00a0 But really. I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss cheap beer.\u00a0 There\u2019s just no excuse any more.<\/p>\n So God, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss cheap beer \u2013 call the Rapture on May 21.\u00a0 And please, have a few cold ones ready for us!<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 6<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 15 May, 2011 |\u00a02 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n We\u2019re into single digits \u2013 there are now only 6 full days left \u2019til the end of the world.\u00a0 In case you still <\/strong>doubt, yesterday we watched the opening of the Morganza Floodgates <\/a>in Louisiana.\u00a0 Hundreds of people there are now left with the impression that, while Rome might not have been destroyed in a day<\/a>, the town of Gibson, LA might be \u2013 and that the prediction of May 21st being the end of the world was in fact off by about a week.<\/p>\n I\u2019m continuing to highlight a different thing each day that I\u2019m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I\u2019m counting on YOU to comment if you haven\u2019t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well \u2013 I\u2019m keeping the list, and I\u2019ll tally them up and see what we\u2019re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>. Look God, You told that Noah dude You were done with the whole \u201cdestroying the earth and all the creatures with water\u201d thing back in the day.\u00a0\u00a0 I gotta tell Ya, there\u2019s about a gazillion folks all over this planet, from Phuket to Jakarta to the northern coast of Japan to the South Central US and Morganza, Louisiana, who are really thinking You might just have reneged on the rainbow, if You know what I\u2019m sayin\u2019.\u00a0\u00a0 Water may be the stuff of life, but a guy my size can drown in less than 2 cups of it \u2013 never mind 150,000 cubic feet per second.\u00a0 (I love the Cajun way of putting things, though \u2013 faced with 150,000 cubic feet of water per second, the salient quote was, \u201cThat can\u2019t be good.\u201d)<\/p>\n Also, tornados?\u00a0 What\u2019s up with that?\u00a0 Hey, this looks like fun, let\u2019s see how fast I can get this whirligig thingy going?\u00a0 Did You really program them to be attracted to trailer parks, or are You bowling?\u00a0\u00a0 I mean, volcanoes I understand, and it\u2019s not like they go off without warning \u2013 hey, look, a big bloody mountain, wonder what\u2019s under it, yeah, we get that.\u00a0 But earthquakes?\u00a0 Tsunamis?\u00a0 Justin Bieber?\u00a0 Really, that\u2019s just dirty pool.\u00a0 Oh, and the whole \u201clightning hitting the steeple\u201d gag \u2013 You\u2019re showing Your hand there, You know that, right?<\/p>\n So God, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss Your natural disasters \u2013 call the Rapture on May 21.\u00a0 And stop trying to pick up the seven-ten split with a brace of mobile homes.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 5<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 16 May, 2011 |\u00a02 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n We\u2019re into single digits \u2013 there are now only 5 full days left \u2019til the end of the world.\u00a0 Today is a Monday, and if we\u2019re lucky it\u2019ll be the last damn Monday we have to face.\u00a0 Mind you, there\u2019s a trade off; end of the world and all.\u00a0 I\u2019m continuing to highlight a different thing each day that I\u2019m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I\u2019m counting on YOU to comment if you haven\u2019t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well \u2013 I\u2019m keeping the list, and I\u2019ll tally them up and see what we\u2019re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>. From Mother Shipton and Nostradamus to Al Gore and Harold Camping, they\u2019ve let us down so many times.\u00a0 The world will end on Y2K.\u00a0 The world will end today, or tomorrow, or the next week, or Real Soon Now.\u00a0 Hurry hurry, the end is at hand, and we\u2019re all about to buy it.\u00a0 They spin us up, get us ready, and then \u2013 whoosh, the date for The End goes by like a thousand other deadlines before it.\u00a0 So, just because I\u2019m sure everyone needs a small ray of hope to cling to, here\u2019s the Official Big Ugly Prediction you\u2019ve been waiting for:<\/p>\n There, was that so hard?\u00a0 You\u2019ve never heard a more accurate prediction than that, and you probably never will.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of these Chicken Little clowns getting people all spun up, getting everyone ready for the end, and getting it wrong.\u00a0 It didn\u2019t end when they turned on the Large Hadron Collider, it didn\u2019t end when all our clocks turned 00-00-00-00-00 etc., and it didn\u2019t end when Michael Jackson died.\u00a0 The world seems pretty resilient.\u00a0 If this one is really the big one, so be it.\u00a0 If not, I\u2019m going have to add Mr. Harold to the list of people I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss next time.<\/p>\n And it\u2019s probably not going to be, either.\u00a0 In discussing the upcoming Rapture with Number One Son, he expressed his disdain for the current prediction.\u00a0 I asked him why, and he explained:\u00a0 \u201cDaddy, the 21st is a Saturday.\u00a0 Douglas Adams made it very <\/strong>clear that the Earth will be destroyed on a Thursday.\u201d<\/p>\n His point is as valid as any I\u2019ve heard.<\/p>\n So please Lord, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss all the weenies trying to outguess You \u2013 call the Rapture on May 21st.\u00a0 Even if it is<\/strong> a Saturday.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 4<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 17 May, 2011 |\u00a04 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n [Ed. Note:\u00a0 This morning’s Countdown is dedicated to M-Bone Talbert<\/a>, whose world got ended for him<\/a> Sunday night.\u00a0 RIP M-Bone.]<\/strong><\/p>\n Hurry!\u00a0 Hurry!\u00a0 This week only \u2013 and I mean that!\u00a0 There are only 4 shopping days left \u2019til the end of the world.\u00a0 In case you\u2019ve been living under a rock \u2013 and I would not blame you one minute if you had been \u2013 I\u2019m highlighting a different thing each day that I\u2019m NOT GONNA MISS come the Rapture, and I\u2019m counting on YOU to comment if you haven\u2019t yet with your own NGM thoughts as well \u2013 I\u2019m keeping the list, and I\u2019ll tally them up and see what we\u2019re all least likely to miss at the end of all things.<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>. There are some really, really smart people out there.\u00a0 Many of them think that the smartest guy alive is a wheelchair-bound dude who needs speech-translation software to talk to us; yes, Stephen Hawking.\u00a0 It turns out that Stephen Hawking, when he\u2019s not expounding on Time, the Universe, and All The Things, is an avid reader of the Big Ugly Man Doll.\u00a0 I believe this is a perfectly logical conclusion, and I base it on the fact that while he didn\u2019t actually mention it in a recent interview, he was obviously rebutting my recent assertion that In Heaven, There Is No Beer.<\/p>\n Stephen Hawking believes in beer.\u00a0 He just doesn\u2019t believe in heaven<\/a>.<\/p>\n And that\u2019s ok<\/strong>.\u00a0 But there are people \u2013 millions of them \u2013 who think he\u2019s not just wrong, but so wrong that he should be censured and perhaps punished for saying that sort of thing in public.\u00a0 Many of these people, it turns out, tend to make their livelihoods by getting other people to give them money in exchange for telling them not only that is there a heaven, but also that they personally will be allowed to go there.<\/p>\n In return for this kind of public display of assurance, people have been known to commit more and bloodier atrocities than for nearly any other reason I can think of.\u00a0 Deus Vult!\u00a0 \u201cGod Wills It\u201d was the rallying cry for the crusades \u2013 a bloody-minded fool\u2019s errand for which the world continues to pay the price to this very day.\u00a0\u00a0 Allahu Akbar!\u00a0 God is indeed great.\u00a0 If He\u2019s that all-fired great, you would think He could just kill off His enemies without your help \u2013 and perhaps there\u2019s a reason He hasn\u2019t yet.\u00a0 Perhaps He\u2019d prefer you stop meddling in His affairs for a few minutes so He can sort things out.<\/p>\n People who are divinely inspired to do really crazy stuff in the name of the god of their choice, out there by themselves \u2013 I have no problem with that.\u00a0 Sting sang it more succinctly <\/a>than I can:\u00a0 \u201cMen go crazy in congregations \/ They only get better one by one.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s the people who get together only with others of their own closeminded philosophies and decide that everyone else is wrong that worry me.\u00a0 The older I get, the more I lean toward Militant Agnosticism:\u00a0 \u201cI Don\u2019t Know, and You Don\u2019t Either.\u201d\u00a0 Really, soon enough we\u2019re all going to find out \u2013 why rush things?<\/p>\n So please Lord, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss your more vocal, vehement, violent followers \u2013 call the Rapture on May 21st.\u00a0 My buddy Stephen Hawking and I will expect our 72 virgins when we arrive.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition: Day 3<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 18 May, 2011 |\u00a0No Comment<\/a><\/p>\n Folks, the TV show Glee has made a few of your lists for things you\u2019re Not Gonna Miss, and I can\u2019t tell you how close it\u2019s come to making mine.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a near thing.\u00a0 They only have one sympathtic character, and they give her all the good lines.\u00a0 (\u201cYou think that\u2019s hard?\u00a0 I\u2019m counting down \u2019til the Rapture!\u00a0 That\u2019s <\/strong>hard!\u201d)\u00a0 I just can\u2019t make myself suspend enough disbelief to give a damn.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t care if Finn and Shue have made up and are kissing again, or who Puck wants to bang today.\u00a0 Shut up and sing already \u2013 I\u2019ve seen better plots in porn movies.\u00a0 But as much as I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss it, it\u2019s not bad enough to make the Top Ten list:<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>. It\u2019s been noted that diet is just \u201cdie\u201d spelled with a T at the end, and I think there\u2019s a reason for this.\u00a0 Let\u2019s face it, there\u2019s a reason I\u2019m not called the Small Ugly Man Doll \u2013 and it\u2019s not all beer.\u00a0\u00a0 Most of us like a nice outing to the Fatty Snax deli at least once in a while \u2013 Mmmmm, butter, bacon, beef, it\u2019s like a litany of deisre for my tastebuds.\u00a0 Rich foods, that nice sharp chocolate, and a good Scotch \u2013 counting calories my eternally expanding ass, let\u2019s eat!<\/p>\n In heaven, I won\u2019t watch my cholesterol, my weight, my calorie intake, or my liver.\u00a0 Or I\u2019m not going.\u00a0 Here on earth, I go to the Dr to hear that I should eat less and exercise more.\u00a0 I\u2019ve heard it often enough that I\u2019m starting my own weight loss program \u2013 watch your bookshelves, because I\u2019m going to publish shortly after the Rapture!\u00a0 You know, in case anyone\u2019s still here.<\/p>\n So please Lord, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss watching my weight \u2013 call the Rapture on May 21st.\u00a0 And have the grill fired up \u2013 let\u2019s cook the golden Ox while we watch Glee re-runs.\u00a0 Maybe there\u2019s a plot in heaven.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 2<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 19 May, 2011\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cThis must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.\u201d\u00a0 Well, we\u2019ll never have to deal with another one \u2013 the world ends on Saturday.\u00a0 There are only two days left before the end of the world \u2013 48 hours.\u00a0 Someone call Eddie Murphy.<\/p>\n <\/a><\/p>\n Demonic Cedarball Droppings<\/p><\/div>\n What, you don\u2019t think we\u2019re up against the Rapture?\u00a0 Check out the demon droppings caught in my friend Auntie Jenny\u2019s<\/a> cedar tree the other day.\u00a0 These appeared overnight, and since cedar was once sacred, we can be sure that this is a true vision of the coming mope-fest for sinners, the glorious ascension, the One Last Time to overplay REM on the radio \u2013 the End of Days.<\/p>\n Well, demonic cedar rust ball droppings are just one more thing on the big list of things I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss come the Rapture.\u00a0 Here\u2019s the list so far:<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>. You can name them as well as I can.\u00a0 In fact, recent polls suggest you can name them better than I can.\u00a0 Charlie Sheen.\u00a0 Lindsay Lohan.\u00a0 Cher, off and on.\u00a0 Charlie Sheen.\u00a0 Miley Cyrus.\u00a0 Britney Spears.\u00a0 Charlie Sheen.\u00a0 Paris Hilton, though who can blame her?\u00a0 Oh yeah, we can.\u00a0 Courtney Love, to say nothing of her late Kurt.\u00a0 Zevon said it<\/a>: \u201cIt\u2019s tough to be somebody.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to keep from falling apart.\u00a0 Here on Rehab Mountain, we all learn these things by heart.\u201d\u00a0 And oh yeah, since he reminds me \u2013 Liza and Liz, back in the day.\u00a0 Oh, and let\u2019s not forget Tiger\u2019s Wood.<\/p>\n And this isn\u2019t limited to \u201cthe arts\u201d either \u2013 we have the best politicians money can buy, and you know what happens to them <\/strong>once they hit that \u201chey, I\u2019m a famous person\u201d threshold.\u00a0 Um, Arnold?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t it have been cheaper just to get another gym membership?\u00a0 Did you really need to lift THOSE weights?\u00a0 (Sheesh, he married a Kennedy \u2013 don\u2019t they have a support group for that sort of thing?)<\/p>\n I know it\u2019s probably hard to teach your kids by example when they\u2019re famous and you\u2019re not, or if they didn\u2019t grow up with that kind of money.\u00a0 But really, most of them didn\u2019t wake up one morning and find out they were famous \u2013 can you not envision some warning system?\u00a0 In fact, I\u2019m going to start one now, just in case anyone becomes dangerously famous between now and the Rapture!\u00a0 I hereby announce and declare the Elvis Alert, to be used when some poor poor pitiful fame-whore, celebretard, or news-hounding politico is coming close to the Charlie Sheen Line.\u00a0 If they\u2019re mentioned on TMZ more than CNN, it could be time for an Elvis Alert.<\/p>\n So Lord \u2013 most famous of them all \u2013 please, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss Celebrities who can\u2019t handle celebrity, call the Rapture on May 21st.\u00a0 And please, take Charlie Sheen first, OK?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Countdown to the Rapture, NGM Edition \u2013 Day 1<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 20 May, 2011 |\u00a02 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n OK, this is it.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing penultimate about this one.\u00a0 Today is the last full day before the end of the world as we know it.\u00a0 How do you feel?\u00a0 Tell me, how do you feel?<\/p>\n Right, I thought so.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been counting down all the things that I am Not Gonna Miss come the rapture tomorrow, and I have to confess I\u2019m feeling pretty good about it all.\u00a0 I\u2019m not gonna miss the hair on The Donald, and I\u2019m certainly not gonna miss Charlie Sheen and our loonyfauxtainment system \u2013 nor the prices we have to pay the damn cable companies to be loonyfauxtained.<\/p>\n There are so many things that will end too soon, it\u2019s true, and so many hopes and dreams will die unrealized when the world ends tomorrow afternoon.\u00a0 Bummer.<\/p>\n But of all the things I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss, speaking of hopes and dreams that die unrealized, there\u2019s one thing that was always going to stand out at the top of this list.<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>. You know, a friend of mine mentioned the other day that I seemed like an optimist.\u00a0 \u201cYou amaze me,\u201d she said, \u201cyou always seem to have faith that things will work out.\u201d\u00a0 I responded with the simple truth: Of course I have faith. I\u2019m programmed<\/span> to have faith. I\u2019m a goddamn Cubs fan.\u00a0 It\u2019s what we do.<\/p>\n A lot can happen between May and October.\u00a0 Just because we nearly lead the league in runs allowed doesn\u2019t mean we can\u2019t pull it out.\u00a0 Right?\u00a0 Just because we haven\u2019t won a World Series in a century doesn\u2019t mean we won\u2019t win it this year.\u00a0 This is next year!\u00a0 Who\u2019s with me?\u00a0 Just because we haven\u2019t even BEEN to a world series in 66 years doesn\u2019t mean we won\u2019t win it this year!<\/p>\n Yeah, it does.\u00a0 We won\u2019t win it this year either.\u00a0 We know.\u00a0 But we\u2019re still going to cheer.\u00a0 We\u2019re still going to have faith that things will work out.\u00a0 We\u2019re Cubs fans, after all.\u00a0 It\u2019s what we do.<\/p>\n So please God, because I\u2019m Not Gonna Miss watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year, call the Rapture tomorrow.\u00a0 Because Harry Caray is waiting for us all in Heaven:\u00a0 \u201cCubs win! Holy Cow!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Happy Rapture to All, and to All a Good Night!<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n 21 May, 2011 |\u00a07 Comments<\/a><\/p>\n So there we have it, it\u2019s Rapture day.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got about 2 hours (local time) until <\/a><\/p>\n Not Gonna Miss<\/p><\/div>\n There were some overlaps with my list, of course:<\/p>\n Number 10:\u00a0 Donald Trump\u2019s Hair<\/a>. Thank all of you who posted with the things that you\u2019re Not Gonna Miss as well!\u00a0 It\u2019s been delightful knowing you all, and I\u2019m sure we\u2019ll all have Great Fun once we\u2019re caught up in a few hours.\u00a0 Unless, you know, this becomes another damn Number 5 (above)\u2026<\/p>\n
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\n<\/a>9.\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather.
\n<\/a>8. \u00a0Facebook status message memes.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer<\/a>.
\nNumber 6:\u00a0 Natural Disasters.<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer<\/a>.
\nNumber 6:\u00a0 Natural Disasters<\/a>.
\nNumber 5:\u00a0 Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong.<\/p>\n\n
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer<\/a>.
\nNumber 6:\u00a0 Natural Disasters<\/a>.
\nNumber 5:\u00a0 Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong<\/a>.
\nNumber 4:\u00a0 Organized religions<\/strong>.<\/p>\n
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer<\/a>.
\nNumber 6:\u00a0 Natural Disasters<\/a>.
\nNumber 5:\u00a0 Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong<\/a>.
\nNumber 4:\u00a0 Organized religions<\/a>.
\nNumber 3:\u00a0 Dieting.<\/strong><\/p>\n![\"Demonic](\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/cedarballs.jpg\" "\\"Demonic")
<\/a>
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer<\/a>.
\nNumber 6:\u00a0 Natural Disasters<\/a>.
\nNumber 5:\u00a0 Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong<\/a>.
\nNumber 4:\u00a0 Organized religions<\/a>.
\nNumber 3:\u00a0 Dieting<\/a>.
\nNumber 2: Celebrities who can\u2019t handle celebrity<\/strong>.<\/p>\n
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer<\/a>.
\nNumber 6:\u00a0 Natural Disasters<\/a>.
\nNumber 5:\u00a0 Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong<\/a>.
\nNumber 4:\u00a0 Organized religions<\/a>.
\nNumber 3:\u00a0 Dieting<\/a>.
\n<\/strong>Number 2:\u00a0 Celebrities who can\u2019t handle celebrity<\/a>.
\nNumber 1:\u00a0 Watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year.<\/strong><\/p>\nwe<\/del> can<\/del> start<\/del> looting<\/del> our glorious brothers and sisters are called to their reward.\u00a0 I\u2019ve tallied up all the things that people wrote in that they\u2019re Not Gonna Miss, and I wanted to share the results with you now\u2026\u00a0 (Not that it will matter soon.)<\/p>\n![\"Not](\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/notgonnamiss.jpg\" "\\"Not")
<\/a>
\nNumber 9:\u00a0 People who can\u2019t drive in bad weather<\/a>.
\nNumber 8:\u00a0 Annoying Facebook status update memes<\/a>.
\nNumber 7:\u00a0 Cheap Beer<\/a>.
\nNumber 6:\u00a0 Natural Disasters<\/a>.
\nNumber 5:\u00a0 Prophesies about the End of the World that turn out to be wrong<\/a>.
\nNumber 4:\u00a0 Organized religions<\/a>.
\nNumber 3:\u00a0 Dieting<\/a>.
\nNumber 2:\u00a0 Celebrities who can\u2019t handle celebrity<\/a>.
\nNumber 1:\u00a0 Watching the Chicago Cubs blow the pennant every damn year<\/a>.<\/p>\n