{"id":1101,"date":"2011-02-19T13:00:53","date_gmt":"2011-02-19T17:00:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?page_id=1101"},"modified":"2011-12-29T16:08:52","modified_gmt":"2011-12-29T20:08:52","slug":"manfaq","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?page_id=1101","title":{"rendered":"ManFAQ"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Between 18 June 2010 and 30 December 2011, Friday meant answer time here at the ManFAQ, and there got to be enough questions asked that the FAQ needed its own page. I\u2019ve kept the following 82 questions that women have asked me about men over the years, and as <del>part of my parole agreement<\/del> a public service I&#8217;ve answered them, to help demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you; we\u2019ll add them to the list and try to answer them all in turn.<\/p>\n<p>Got a question for the ManFAQ? Send it to <a href=\"mailto:BUMD@BigUglyManDoll.com\">BUMD@BigUglyManDoll.com<\/a> \u2013 your anonymity is guaranteed!<\/p>\n<p><a name=\"PageTop\">Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?<\/a><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em><a href=\"#aftermidnight\">Why is it that he&#8217;s in the mood for Hey Hey when he stumbles home after midnight?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#partyplanner\">Why can\u2019t he plan parties?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#tellmewhatyouwant\">Why can\u2019t he ever just come out and ask for what he wants when he\u2019s horny?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#householdchores\">Is there some kind of genetic thing that makes strong, athletic men fall asleep when the dishes are dirty?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#caketopper\">Is the way to his heart really through his stomach?  Does his belly really do as much of his thinking as his tonker?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#longhair\">Why do you all seem to lose your minds for long hair?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#notfunny\">Why do boys try to be funny when they\u2019re not?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#paintcolor\">What\u2019s the problem with painting?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#boysmyage\">Why are boys my age so immature?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#reclassify\">Here\u2019s a guy thing that maybe you can explain:  the ability to instantly reclassify the merit of an object.<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#guything\">I keep hearing people say, \u201cIt\u2019s a guy thing.\u201d  What, exactly, constitutes a guy thing?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#bighands\">Is it true what they say about men with big hands and big feet?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#taller\">Why in the world would it be a problem if I were taller than you?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#bacon\">What is it with you guys and bacon? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#becauseimright\">Why do men always think they\u2019re right \/ assume they\u2019re right \/ and need to be right? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#greatbetter\">Why do guys always twist your words around when you make a suggestion to them to make something that\u2019s already great better?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#ontravel\">Why is it that you\u2019re always on travel somewhere when the kids get ill, break an arm, or we have a flash flood that closes school?  How do you know in advance to leave for those inconvenient times?  <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#manpris\">What\u2019s up with the long-shorts?  Horrible laundry accident?  Can\u2019t commit to pants?  Hurricane preparedness?  What? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#gottapee\">Why do men think it\u2019s ok to pee in public?  I live behind a tee box on a golf course.  It can be unpleasant.  Or be seen without shirts in public?  The whole unpleasant aspect again\u2026  <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#nakedguns\">Why do men like guns?  ESPECIALLY naked women with guns?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#commentary\">The studs in the romance books provide their lovers with a running commentary.  Is one allowed to or supposed to talk during Hey Hey?  Should a girl expect it? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#legorbreast\">Why is the question, \u201cAre you a leg or a breast man?\u201d a natural greeting amongst some of the lesser menfolk? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#reallysick\">Why is it that whenever I get sick, my spouse likes to inform me that he is actually feeling worse? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#peeagain\">How does the pee get on the outside of the toilet?  <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#musclecars\">What is it with the muscle cars?  Are you really compensating for something?  <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#mancave\">Why is his \u201cman room\u201d always a mess? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#suitcases\">I don\u2019t understand why I\u2019ve got two suitcases and a bag, and he\u2019s only got a small bag.  We\u2019re going to the same place, for the same time.  WTF, over?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#8ways\">I was reading this post about how to make your man \u201cfeel like a man\u201d and I wanted your opinion.  Does this stuff work?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Laundry\">I\u2019m sure lots of guys do laundry \u2013 why can\u2019t mine seem to make this happen without help?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Weiner\">Why on earth do you think it\u2019s a good idea to take a picture of that?  Do you really think we want to see it?  Does Weiner have some kind of mental defect, or are you ALL like that?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Device\">I know you\u2019re so mightily important that you need a device that provides 24\u00d77 connectivity, but do you have some kind of sixth sense for turning your phones off when I need to reach you?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Skidmarks\">What\u2019s with the skidmarks?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Elephant\">What is it with the farting?  Pull your finger???<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Clueless\">Why are some guys so clueless?  Can he not see that she likes him?  Why doesn\u2019t he notice her?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Enlightened\">Why do some guys appear to be more enlightened than others and how can I find one? (Doesn\u2019t pertain to me but many women want to know.)<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Pickup\">What is it with cheesy pickup lines?  Does that really work?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Doctordoctor\">What is it with men and going to the doctor?  Why is this hard?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Feelings\">Why do men never really tell you what they feel? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Typical\">\u201cYou are such a typical man.\u201d  I hear that a lot, and sometimes I even say it.  What does that mean, really?  What is the typical man? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Videogame\">Why is it that my husband always notices if someone\u2019s video game toon has reached a new level or gotten new gear \u2013 but getting him to notice a new thing in the house or a new hair cut is a bit like pulling teeth?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#LidEtquette\">Lids up, or lids down?  Is there etiquette here?  <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Lawn\">What is it with you and the lawn?  Why is it OK if the basement looks like a free-fire zone, but you have to cut the grass and hedges six times a month? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Credit\">Why do you get twice the credit and attention for doing the damn dishes than we do?  In fact, why do you get ANY credit for doing them?  Did you not eat off those? <\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Breast\">Why do men tend to favor one breast over the other?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Older\">Why do some men like younger or older women?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Nosehair\">Why is it OK when men go out with hair coming out their ears and nose, but we\u2019re supposed to shave our legs?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Bonding\">What\u2019s the deal with this male bonding business?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Attractive\">Why can\u2019t guys admit that other guys are attractive?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Measuring\">What kind of measuring tape\/ruler are you using anyway? Is there a special \u2018guy edition\u2019 that I don\u2019t know about?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Honesty\">Is honesty the best policy in a relationship?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Shopping\">Why do men hate shopping?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Wrapping\">Why do I always seem to be the one wrapping the presents at the holidays, often the night before? Why can\u2019t he help?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Sex\">Can men really die from a lack of sex?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Illness\">Why are guys such big babies when they\u2019re sick?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Fuzzy\">Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Partname\">Why do most men name their private parts?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#FakeO\">Do men really fake orgasms?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Month\">Why do men always assume it\u2019s that time of the month?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#MakeUp\">What does it mean when men tell you that they prefer women who don\u2019t wear a lot of make up?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#SittingAround\">Why do men hold their penises when they are just sitting around, watching TV, etc.?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Waitress\">Why does the waitress always seem to give you the check?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Shave\">Why do men shave and say they cleaned it up, yet there is still hair EVERYWHERE?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Stroke\">Why do some guys insist on using the word \u201cstroke\u201d in places I wouldn\u2019t expect?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Directions\">Why won\u2019t men read instructions, ask for directions?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Credit\">Do I give you too much credit?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#TPRoll\">Would it hurt to change the toilet paper roll and make certain the paper is coming off the roll from the top instead of the bottom? (Is that too picky?)<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#PMS\">Do you have your own version of PMS that makes you moody?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Ego\">Does it do your ego good when women ask you to do things like opening the jar of pickles or killing the bug, which we are perfectly capable of doing ourselves, or would you rather us be self-sufficient?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Boobs\">When you meet a woman for the first time, seriously, what is the first thing you notice? Is it a stereotype that the first thing is really the two things below the chin and above the belt?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Shortcomings\">Why do they not admit their shortcomings? My man is so anti-Mr. Fix-it that I get insanely worried when my he gets within 20 feet of the toolbox. Just admit that you cannot do something so I can let the landlord know before you seriously break it!<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Clutter\">I want to know if the ability to relax amid clutter and dust is acquired or inborn. If acquired, how can women cultivate it\u2026i.e. is there a 10-step program? Seriously, I would absolutely love to perfect my skill in this area. I think out of level 1 to 10 I\u2019m at about a 6, and it isn\u2019t enough. I want to achieve real man status on this one.<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Hamper\">Why can\u2019t you put the clothes IN the hamper? You can sure throw them on the floor NEXT to it \u2013 what is the aversion to IN the hamper?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Underwear\">Why do you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor after taking a shower? Do you think I have nothing better to do than pick up after you?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Adrenaline\">Why are men such adrenaline junkies?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Shower\">Why do men have to wring out their penis after a shower? Does it really suck up water like a sponge?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Pants\">Why do they keep their hands in their pants in public?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Searching\">I have always wondered how is it that when looking for something, men can never seem to find it? Why don\u2019t they actually move other items to look for whatever it is they are seeking? My man did this at least 3 times this weekend! I would walk over, move 1 piece of paper and there it is! Shocking!<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Bed\">Do you talk to your friends about what we do in bed? (answer at your own risk).<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Married\">Are you glad you got married or do you miss the single life sometimes?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Inopportune\">Why do they always want sex at the most inopportune times? e.g.,\u2026when I\u2019m getting ready for work\/appt\u2026etc. He has 12 other hours of the day to want some but only gets horny when I\u2019m getting ready to leave?<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Compliment\">I would like to know the percentage of times a man gives a woman a compliment because he means it, versus the percentage of times he gives the compliment hoping for hey-hey later.<\/a> <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><a href=\"#Diaper\">Why can\u2019t you change the baby\u2019s diaper without me asking you to? You can smell that noxiousness as easily as I can \u2013 even commenting \u201cPee-u, you stink girl\u201d \u2013 but not change it?<\/a><\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"aftermidnight\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why is it that he&#8217;s in the mood for Hey Hey when he stumbles home after midnight?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>   Since this is the last official Friday ManFAQ, I&#8217;m going to give you one last bit of truth &#8211; they&#8217;ll pull my Guy Card for telling you this anyway. <\/p>\n<p>When he staggers home at a quarter to beer in the morning, he knows full well what kind of trouble he&#8217;s in.  He&#8217;s been out drinking with the boys, he should have called, he should have been home hours ago &#8211; and he knows it.  While Hey Hey is always on the top of his mind, he is also very aware that right at the moment he could no more have his way with you than could the local harem guards.  Even in the event, unlikely at this hour, that you were willing &#8211; even if you were waiting upstairs naked spread-eagle and roped to the bedposts like in that dream he had the other night &#8211; there is <strong>zero<\/strong> chance that he can perform after that much booze.  He knows this.<\/p>\n<p>But there he is, walking in the front door and yelling, &#8220;Who wants to fuck?&#8221; at the top of his voice.  Why?<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s a ruse.   He knows that if he tries to come tip-toeing in the house and up the stairs, you&#8217;re going to yell at him for being out late drinking.  If you hear <strong>that<\/strong>, however, the chances are pretty good that you&#8217;re going to roll over and pretend you&#8217;re asleep so as not to have to deal with the idiot, which means he doesn&#8217;t have to get yelled at until the morning.  Notice that he never tries too hard to wake you up.  <\/p>\n<p>Next time, try yelling &#8220;Oh, I do, I do!&#8221; and watch the hilarity ensue!  I assure you, the look on his face will be equal parts anticipation, bewilderment, and embarrassment.   He&#8217;ll probably try &#8211; he&#8217;ll <strong>want<\/strong> to try &#8211; but he will usually fail. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2170\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"partyplanner\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why can\u2019t he plan parties?  I spend weeks getting ready for his special day, birthday, anniversaries, favorite football game, holidays, whatever, but when the shoe is on the other foot, it\u2019s 10 minutes of planning on the morning of, and he spends half that on the phone with my mother.  What the hell?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>   We don&#8217;t plan well, most of us.  It&#8217;s true. <\/p>\n<p>Don&#8217;t get me wrong, there are some guys who can out-plan and out-organize and out-do all of us plus Julie from the Love Boat &#8211; but those guys aren&#8217;t married to you.  They&#8217;re married to guys named Steve.<\/p>\n<p>You&#8217;re having to make do with your man, flawed though he is, and you&#8217;ve run into one of his major limitations &#8211; The Future.  Unlike your anniversary, he really does know the date of your birthday.  And he probably knows what day it is today.  But without a good deal of prodding, the coincidence of &#8220;today&#8221; with &#8220;your birthday&#8221; is still going to come as just as much a surprise to him as your anniversary usually does. <\/p>\n<p>For most guys, The Future is sort of a bright, shiny, poorly defined place where nice things will happen, people will get naked, and there might be beer.  It just sort of happens, and when we stop to think about what&#8217;s going to be needed to make it happen, we get wrapped up in the visions of nudity and beer, and we stop thinking altogether.  Suddenly it&#8217;s that morning, and Oh Shit, somebody needs to plan something! <\/p>\n<p>Of course he calls your mom &#8211; <strong>his<\/strong> mom will yell at him, and he knows that he&#8217;s going to get yelled at later anyway, so he&#8217;s in no hurry to start now.  Your mom, on the other hand, will bail him out, because she wants to make sure your day is special, and she&#8217;s always happy to have a marker on him &#8211; she can make him dance like a puppet.   For his part, he likes your mom because she bails him out of these spots (at least a little), and because he thinks that she thinks he&#8217;s cute.  (Trust me, you don&#8217;t want to know what goes on in his mind.)<\/p>\n<p>We don&#8217;t plan well.  The really smart guys know this, and keep enough &#8220;general party stuff&#8221; around the house to pull off a semi-respectable party in under 2 hours, and have the local cake place on speed dial.  He cares.  Really.  He just doesn&#8217;t know. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2165\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"tellmewhatyouwant\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why can\u2019t he ever just come out and ask for what he wants when he\u2019s horny?  I\u2019m no better at hints than he is.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Before I answer this, let me tell you a story.  So there I was, up at pee O&#8217;clock in the morning, only to find SOBUMD awake at my desk.  We talked for a while, then I checked on the three lunatic children, removing books from sleeping fingers and turning off lights.  I returned to find that SOBUMD had climbed back into bed.  I did likewise, we chatted for a minute, and as I intricated myself into sheets and covers, I remarked that my &#8220;underwear was not entirely comfortable.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;That is, I believe, the stupidest, most obsure way you&#8217;ve ever asked for sex in the 20 years I&#8217;ve known you,&#8221; she said as she shrugged out of her PJs.  Now, I was <strong>really<\/strong> just complaining about my shorts, but Hey Hey &#8211; that&#8217;ll solve the problem too! <\/p>\n<p>So look, sometimes you&#8217;re assuming that we think about Hey Hey all the time.  And you&#8217;re right, we are.  But we figure you&#8217;d get tired of hearing the same question asked the same way after a few hundred times, and we&#8217;re looking for ways to spice it up, make it sound like it was your idea in the first place, distract you so you don&#8217;t notice we&#8217;ve got half our clothes off already, anything.  Besides, there&#8217;s oblique, and then there&#8217;s GUY oblique.  It&#8217;s the difference between, &#8220;Say, you look really nice tonight.  Are you busy later?&#8221; and &#8220;Nice dress, but it looks a little tight &#8211; may I help you out of it?&#8221;  We don&#8217;t really do hints well; if you think he&#8217;s hinting about Hey Hey, you&#8217;re right.  If you think he&#8217;s wondering about mowing the lawn, he&#8217;s really hinting about Hey Hey.  He&#8217;s just trying to be a little more genteel, since he&#8217;s been conditioned to believe that just asking &#8220;Hey, you wanna go bang me?&#8221; will get him slapped or arrested more often than it will get him laid.<\/p>\n<p>Remember, he&#8217;s ALWAYS interested.  He&#8217;s bringing up the topic because he hopes you are. <\/p>\n<p>Nice dress, by the way. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2167\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"householdchores\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>I know you\u2019ve covered this before, but what is it about household chores?  Is there some kind of genetic thing that makes strong, athletic men fall asleep when the dishes are dirty?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>   Do you know, I&#8217;m glad you asked.  In my capacity as the final arbiter of good taste, decency, and gender equality in this country, <del>we&#8217;re screwed<\/del> I was asked to comment on an <a title=\"Time Magazine Can Go Stuff Themselves\" href=\"http:\/\/newsfeed.time.com\/2011\/07\/21\/time-cover-story-why-men-and-women-should-end-the-chore-wars\/\" target=\"_blank\">article<\/a> from Time magazine a few months ago about why &#8220;Men and Women Should End&#8221; what Time magazine would like us to call the &#8220;<a title=\"A little while ago, in a living room far, far away...\" href=\"http:\/\/www.time.com\/time\/magazine\/article\/0,9171,2084582,00.html\" target=\"_blank\">Chore Wars.<\/a>&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Now, you&#8217;re welcome to refer to anything you like as a &#8216;war,&#8217; but with our men and women in uniform getting shot at overseas, as the final arbiter of good taste, decency, and gender equality in this country, it is my professional opinion that Time magazine can go stuff itself with this headline.<\/p>\n<p>That being said, Time is here telling us that &#8220;new research on working fathers indicates that they&#8217;re the ones experiencing the most pressure,&#8221;  and this time they have science on their side.  One researcher mentions, &#8220;We think men don&#8217;t do anything, but is that right? Are we systematically missing what they do do?&#8221; <\/p>\n<p>Yes.  Let&#8217;s face it, men have been systematically getting women to put up with their do-do for a long time.  It&#8217;s dollars to doughnuts that the study that says men do as much work around the house, or its equal in the office, was in fact run by men.   If you want him to clean it, hit him in the head with something.  Of course he&#8217;s tired.  We&#8217;re all tired.  You&#8217;re tired, aren&#8217;t you?  Nobody really wants to do the dishes and clean the floor, except for the Reigning Queen of Pink, and she has OCD.  (And no, we don&#8217;t rent her out &#8211; who would clean our floors?)<\/p>\n<p>So, is it genetic?  No.  It&#8217;s science.  We&#8217;re really working very, very hard.  Please, try not to wake him &#8211; he&#8217;s probably just got his eyes closed because he&#8217;s thinking about the office, and needs to concentrate. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2173\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"caketopper\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Is the way to his heart really through his stomach?  Does his belly really do as much of his thinking as his tonker?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>   Ooooh yes.  One of Robert Heinlein&#8217;s characters once said something like &#8220;Study how to please a man for years, make a science of it, and as soon as I find a good one he rolls over for the first pretty face who can cook.&#8221;   And she wasn&#8217;t too far wrong &#8211; most of us, much as I hate to admit it, do need to get out of bed eventually. <\/p>\n<p>Even the immortal (well, he&#8217;s working on it) Jeff Foxworthy has noticed this; he once boiled down all men&#8217;s deep basic needs to two things: &#8220;I want a beer, and I want to see something nekkid.&#8221;  Yep.   <\/p>\n<p>In the presence of food, when we&#8217;re hungry, we&#8217;re as much slaves to our guts as to our gonads.  &#8220;Why did you eat that?&#8221; is often answered with something very much like &#8220;It was there.&#8221;  If it&#8217;s not VERY clearly labeled, such as &#8220;this is for the party tomorrow with your mother and if you eat a slice of it before the party I will cut off your hand and feed it to the dog,&#8221; he probably thinks it&#8217;s fair game.  We expend a LOT of energy during the day &#8211; stop laughing, this is a true statement.  Think about it:  (1) thinking requires brainpower.  (2) brainpower uses up almost as many calories as exercise.  (3) men think ALL THE TIME.  (Granted, they&#8217;re thinking about Hey Hey, but they&#8217;re very diligent about thinking about it all the time.)  (4) ergo, we&#8217;re always hungry, from using up all that energy thinking about what you look like with your clothes off. <\/p>\n<p>And then there&#8217;s the whole bit about sensous eating, which is usually done with your mouth.  There&#8217;s a reason we call it Food Porn, but that&#8217;s probably another post. <\/p>\n<p>So yes, a degree from the Culinary Institute is as or more likely to net you a husband as one from the Courtesan College in Las Vegas. <\/p>\n<p>And for the guys &#8211; remember, Contemplate Before You Masticate!  Should you eat that?  Maybe you&#8217;d better check!  After all, you don&#8217;t want to be this guy:<\/p>\n<div id=\"attachment_2120\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"width: 512px\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/81st1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-2120 \" title=\"I'm Sorry I Ate The First One!\" src=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/81st1.jpg\" alt=\"I'm Sorry I Ate The First One!\" width=\"502\" height=\"672\" srcset=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/81st1.jpg 717w, http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/81st1-224x300.jpg 224w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 502px) 100vw, 502px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p class=\"wp-caption-text\">A replacement wedding cake topper &#8211; because something &quot;mysteriously happened&quot; to the original.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2117\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"longhair\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why do you all seem to lose your minds for long hair?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  This is hard-wired into our subcortex from the caveman days, the blood of bears welling up in our unconscious as we notice your long tresses cascading down your shoulders.   That wonderful long hair tells our caveman selves that you&#8217;re healthy and well fed, that your body is in decent enough shape to make babies. <\/p>\n<p>The sight of long, strong hair falling halfway down your back tells some part of him to grab it and drag you back to the cave &#8211; which is of course confusing to the rest of him, since he can&#8217;t remember where the cave is anymore, or where he parked the mammoth.  This leads to a conflicting set of instructions from the front of his mind, which is telling him to introduce himself in a proper 21st Century fashion, and the back of his mind, which is telling him to hit you over the head and drag you off.  As a result, his mouth is trying to form the words, &#8220;Do you live around here often,&#8221; and &#8220;Ugga!&#8221; at the same time, and what usually comes out is &#8220;Dywuuhh he hi, um, Hi.&#8221;  <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2083\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"notfunny\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why do boys try to be funny when they\u2019re not?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> What do you mean, they&#8217;re not funny?  Of course they&#8217;re funny!  They&#8217;re standing there telling you jokes and clowning around and jumping like &#8211; yeah, he&#8217;s pretty pathetic, isn&#8217;t he?  The short answer is that he&#8217;s desperate.  There are a couple of reasons here.<\/p>\n<p>KNOCK KNOCK!  If he&#8217;s telling you reasonably clean jokes, doing pratfalls, and using obvious physical humor, he&#8217;s desperate for attention &#8211; even if only for someone to tell him to knock it the hell off.  If you keep not laughing, he&#8217;ll eventually knock himself senseless, get tired of it, or kill him self trying.  (&#8220;Hey ya&#8217;ll, watch this!&#8221;)<\/p>\n<p>THERE&#8217;S THIS CAT&#8230;  If he&#8217;s telling you jokes about physics (&#8220;Sorry, we don&#8217;t serve faster than light particles here.&#8221;), he&#8217;s desperate to relate to you.  He wants to see if you&#8217;re on the same planet he is.  If you keep not laughing, he&#8217;ll move on eventually.  (&#8220;A neutrino walks into a bar!&#8221;)<\/p>\n<p>MORE BEAVER!  If he&#8217;s told you three ball jokes, two dick jokes, the one about the maggots making love in dead earnest, and he&#8217;s trying hard to make a pun about beavers, he&#8217;s desperate for some Hey Hey.  If you keep not laughing, he&#8217;ll move on eventually.  (&#8220;Do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?&#8221;)<\/p>\n<p>I READ THAT ONE &#8211; If he&#8217;s making literary jokes, anything with the words Hemmingway, Faulkner, or Baudelaire in the punchline,  he&#8217;s <em>really<\/em> desperate for some Hey Hey.  Don&#8217;t listen to a thing he says.  Really.  I don&#8217;t care what French restaurant he invites you to, don&#8217;t go.  Baudelaire is <strong>never<\/strong> funny.  (&#8220;Fleurs du Mal? That&#8217;s what SHE said!&#8221;)<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2019\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"paintcolor\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>>What\u2019s the problem with painting?  I read about a company renaming their paints \u201cfor men\u201d \u2013 would that really get my man to paint the living room?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Do you really want to paint your living room a shade of &#8220;Porcelain Throne&#8221; in an eggshell finish?  Or a bathroom with &#8220;Beer Foam&#8221; in high gloss?  Yes, the short answer is <a title=\"Who doesn't like Shotgun Shogun as a paint color?\" href=\"http:\/\/news.nationalpost.com\/2011\/11\/08\/cil-gives-paint-colours-masculine-makeover\/\" target=\"_blank\">those folks are geniuses<\/a>, and men really will buy one paint over another because it doesn&#8217;t sound like &#8220;Desert Blush.&#8221;  (The fact that I loved that shade and used it liberally in our last house is not materially relevant to this post.) <\/p>\n<p><em>&#8220;Hey, nice paint job!  What&#8217;s that color?&#8221;<\/em><br \/>\n<em>&#8220;Brute Force.&#8221;<\/em><br \/>\n<em>&#8220;Nice!&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Guys focus on primary colors &#8211; most of us don&#8217;t get past 3rd Grade in our color palette.  When you ask him to choose between Eggshell, Soft Ecru, Pressed Linen, or Silver Lace, he&#8217;s pausing because (A) he can&#8217;t tell the difference, (B) he couldn&#8217;t care less, (C) he&#8217;s having a hard time figuring out which answer you&#8217;re leaning toward, and (D) he thinks if he guesses right, it&#8217;ll lead to Hey Hey sooner.   He&#8217;s frustrated at the lack of clear labels.<\/p>\n<p>This has been an issue for a long time.  Prehistoric men came home to find their wives had painted the cave in calming earth tones using urine and bird droppings, and called it &#8220;light ugga foam.&#8221;  This was also the first use of the term &#8220;man cave,&#8221; by the way &#8211; when he painted the next cave over using mammoth blood, and called it &#8220;fucking mammoth blood.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Shortly after the Woolly Mammoth died out, I myself went hunting one day in an ancient place called Hechinger\u2019s.  I was hunting for White Paint &#8211; I had orders, and they were to return with White Paint.  (And yes, my orders usually include Capital Letters.)  I spent about 15 minutes wandering up and down the paint aisles, reading labels and becoming increasingly frustrated with the Light Elephant, Eggshell, Ecru, Off-White, Bride&#8217;s Kiss, Caucasian Sway, Soft Linen, Lilly Ass, and all the other things that might &#8211; or might not &#8211; be what I was looking for.  Finally some &#8220;May I Help You&#8221; type came over and May I Help You&#8217;d me.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Yes,&#8221; said I, in a state, by that time, of high dudgeon.  &#8220;I&#8217;m looking for Fucking White Paint, but you don&#8217;t seem to carry that.  You have seven hundred and sixteen others kinds of white, but I can&#8217;t find just plain old White.&#8221;  Luckily, this May I Help You had seen my type before, and without missing a beat lead me down the next aisle:<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Oh, yes sir, not a problem, it&#8217;s over here in the Fucking Aisle.  Let&#8217;s see, Fucking Red, Fucking Blue, Fucking Green, here we are, Fucking White Paint.  Not a problem!&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>At least he was cheerful about it.<\/p>\n<p>So no, most guys don&#8217;t really care what color you paint the walls, or what color you tell him to paint them &#8211; but you&#8217;ll get it done faster if you tell him you want to paint the walls &#8220;Miller Time&#8221; and the ceiling &#8220;Lilly-White Ass&#8221; than you will with &#8220;Soft Umber&#8221; and &#8220;Ecru.&#8221;  <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2030\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"boysmyage\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why are boys my age so immature?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> They&#8217;re not, really.  You&#8217;re just noticing the difference between the ones &#8220;your age&#8221; and the ones a few years older, who are less likely to be talking and more likely &#8211; you don&#8217;t believe a word of this, do you?  OK, no, you&#8217;re right.<\/p>\n<p>Now, the funny thing is that while this question was posed by a younger woman, by which I mean a 3rd-Grader, it never stops being a valid question, asked by women of every age throughout history.  My mother, who is in her very late 30s, has asked it of my father.  Many friends, girl-type, have asked me this about their guys at one point or another, at various ages, and in fact an older woman (in her early 100s) was recently bemoaning the fact that all the men her age were either still too immature or &#8220;napping, if you know what I mean.&#8221;  <\/p>\n<p>Which actually answers the question.  Our fear is that if we were to actually mature and &#8220;act our age&#8221; all the time, you&#8217;d throw dirt over us.  The boys your age will always be immature morons, because that&#8217;s pretty much our natural state &#8211; age notwithstanding.  We&#8217;re aging with you, but we&#8217;re not maturing with you.  We&#8217;re not planning on maturing at all.  Consider Shrek&#8217;s choice in his second film: <\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><strong>Shrek? You drink that, there&#8217;s no going back.<\/strong><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\"><strong>I know.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>No more wallowing in the mud?<\/strong><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\"><strong>I know.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>No more itchy butt crack?<\/strong><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\"><strong>I know!<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>But you love being an ogre!<\/strong><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #008000;\"><strong>I know!  But I love Fiona more.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Now remember, that was a movie.  Most of us wouldn&#8217;t drink that shit to change us into someone your parents will approve of &#8211; at least, not without a whole lot of Hey Hey involved.  Itchy Butt Crack is more than just a great name for a band &#8211; it&#8217;s a lifestyle choice.  We fart, we belch, then we giggle because it smells <em>really<\/em> bad in here &#8211; and we&#8217;re not planning on growing out of it. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2017\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"reclassify\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>I\u2019m one of the guys most of the time, but here\u2019s a guy thing that maybe you can explain:  the ability to instantly reclassify the merit of an object. To wit:<\/em><br \/>\n<em><span style=\"color: #0000ff;\"><strong>Hubby:<\/strong><\/span> \u201cI need a new putter. This one is a piece of shit. It never hits straight, the grip\u2019s crap, the balance is all wrong, and it\u2019s scuffed up.\u201d<\/em><br \/>\n<em>[<span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">buys new putter<\/span>]<\/em><br \/>\n<em><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong>Me:<\/strong><\/span> \u201cI need a new putter\u2026\u201d<\/em><br \/>\n<em><span style=\"color: #0000ff;\"><strong>Hubby:<\/strong><\/span> \u201cHere, take my old one. It\u2019s a great putter!\u201d<\/em><br \/>\n<em><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong>Me:<\/strong><\/span> \u201c\u2026?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> As much as I would love to claim mere frugality and go drink beer, there\u2019s more to it than that.  My deep study of Einstein\u2019s Theory of Relativity tells me that what he means \u2013 and you\u2019re right, we all do that \u2013 is that his putter is a piece of shit in his hands, since the scuffed up balance is coming off where he grips it.  You, on the other hand, might well \u2013 in fact, almost certainly will! \u2013 find that you grip it in a different spot, and so we find that it\u2019s only a scuffed-up piece of shit relative to him.  Relative to you, it\u2019s well balanced, has a good grip, and hits straight and true as an arrow.<\/p>\n<p>Remember, Darth Vader did kill Luke\u2019s father \u2013 from a certain point of view.  Is Hubby in sales, by any chance?  This same ability to reframe merit based on point of view has been honed over generations of hucksters and salesmen, long before Tom Sawyer whitewashed that fence.  I myself employ it regularly on Craigslist and eBay.  Just as one man\u2019s religion is another man\u2019s belly laugh, and one man\u2019s trash is another man\u2019s treasure, one man\u2019s putter\u2026<\/p>\n<p>So, I hope you took the putter and put it to relatively good use.  Did it bend when you hit him with it?<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2005\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"guything\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>I keep hearing people say, \u201cIt\u2019s a guy thing.\u201d  What, exactly, constitutes a guy thing?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> I could tell you, but it\u2019s a guy thing.  No no, OK, I\u2019m kidding.  Guy things are usually things we assume you won\u2019t like, won\u2019t really approve of, or that we really don\u2019t want to have to admit to you.  For example if you have more than one guy at a table, in public, and they\u2019re watching people walk by, they will, eventually, start discussing the desirability of &#8211; and likelihood of Hey Hey with \u2013 each woman walking by.  When you walk up and ask them what they\u2019re talking about, they will respond, in near unison: \u201cFootball.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s a guy thing.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s another example. Yesterday a nice couple came over and bought some furniture SOBUMD was selling on Craigslist (and yes, I wrote the ad copy). They paid cash, still legal tender for many things, and the husband had a bank envelope with twelve $100 dollar bills. I\u2019m certain his wife had told him to go to the bank and get $1200 bucks. When they left, I noticed the envelope from the bank said \u201cKevin, $1240&#8243;.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s a guy thing.<\/p>\n<p>Belching, farting, obnoxious smells, football and beer and scratching themselves in public \u2013 guy things. And if you\u2019re thinking to yourself, wait, but I do those things! \u2013 then let me assure you that guy things are not always limited by gender. You might just be one of the guys.<\/p>\n<p>After all, it\u2019s a guy thing.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1989\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"bighands\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Is it true what they say about men with big hands and big feet?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Yes, it is.<\/p>\n<p>They wear larger gloves and they\u2019re generally hard to buy shoes for.  I\u2019m sure that\u2019s what you were askin \u2013 oh, it\u2019s not?  Hmmm.  Well, then, speaking strictly as a man who can palm a basketball and pick it up and throw it one-handed, I\u2019d like to say very little about this question.  Of course, I\u2019m generalizing from one example, but everyone does that.  Or at least, I do. <\/p>\n<p>Howard Stern was once quoted as saying, \u201cI\u2019m 6 foot 4 with no penis to speak of.  Thanks for that, Mom and Dad.\u201d <\/p>\n<p>So, maybe yes, maybe no \u2013 your mileage may vary.  If you have experiential evidence, or even highly apocryphal yet amusing anecdotes, please share them with the group.  You\u2019ll be a bigger person for it!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1966\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"taller\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why in the world would it be a problem if I were taller than you?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> I\u2019ll wager that most guys don\u2019t mind.  And by \u201cmost guys,\u201d I mean the ones under 5 foot 3 inches who don\u2019t want to narrow their windows of opportunity.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s hard to feel all macho and stuff when we\u2019re reaching up on our tiptoes to kiss you.  An inch or so, sure, no big deal.  If you\u2019re the 50-foot-tall woman, or Madame Maxine, well, you know.   Also clearly, if we\u2019re on television, it\u2019s a huge issue. <\/p>\n<p>Like the man said, \u201cYou are smaller, so I can be taller than!\u201d  Never mind the grammar, this is Hollywood!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1926\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"bacon\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>What is it with you guys and bacon?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> I\u2019ll confess I was going to write something with great righteous indignation, along the lines of \u201cOh yeah? Well, what is it with you ladies and purses?\u201d  Then I remembered\u2026  the bacon weave.<\/p>\n<p>I may have to go with righteous indigestion on this one. <\/p>\n<p>We know from holy scripture that \u201cThere are no two finer words in the English language than \u2018Encased Meats,\u2019 my friend.\u201d (Hot Doug, Letters to the Chicagoans, $3.16.)   And we know, because I\u2019ve told you before, that pig is yummy \u2013 it\u2019s a good reason to go to Alabama, for instance.  So, yes, I have been known to stock up on bacon.  And by stock up, I mean walking into a butcher shop and walking out with 40 pounds of it. <\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not just meat!  It\u2019s thick, juicy meat, with nice smoky flavor, and it will take whatever you do to it \u2013 brown sugar, cayenne pepper, you name it.  Bacon is life.  So, men are pigs, men eat pigs, men love pigs &#8211; it all makes sense.   You know, somewhere. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1924\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"becauseimright\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why do men always think they\u2019re right \/ assume they\u2019re right \/ and need to be right?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about.  I can\u2019t believe you would even say that; how could you ask such a question?  Surely our devotion to absolute objectivity, veracity, and perspicaciousness is notorious \u2013 we could never stoop to less than 100 percent certainty.   (Is it her or is it me?  It\u2019s her, isn\u2019t it?) <\/p>\n<p>Right.  OK, this is hard for some people to understand, and it\u2019s not just women, and it\u2019s not ALL guys.  Some people are really, really sure of themselves.  Sometimes, that surety pervades the inner lining of their brains and leaks into the infallibility chamber, which is (of course) the source of all certainty.  This ability to believe so completely in our own rightness is actually a survival skill; when you exude confidence, many people will stop questioning you and just do what you tell them.   (Things like, \u201cYou need to invest in my hot dog stand,\u201d or \u201cTurn left here,\u201d or \u201cPut the gun down.\u201d  Trust me that this is a survival skill.)  Of course we\u2019re right.  If we didn\u2019t think we were right, we\u2019d never get away with anything accomplish anything noteworthy. <\/p>\n<p>And yes, because you asked, of course this comes up \u2013 along with everything else \u2013 in the pursuit of Hey Hey.  \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it.\u201d  \u201cYou look great tonight.\u201d  \u201cIt\u2019ll be fine.\u201d  He sounds like he believes it, and he seems so confidant, doesn\u2019t he? <\/p>\n<p>After a while, we\u2019ve spent so long using this technique of projecting our confidence around to get what we want that some guys start licking their own ice cream cone and believe it themselves.  It\u2019s worked so well on everyone else that it\u2019s now working on themselves, and it\u2019s hard to stop because that involves both thinking, which we\u2019re not really great at, and introspection, which most of us think is something you need to go to the doctor and get shots for. <\/p>\n<p>And you don\u2019t need to do any more research on this topic, because I am, as we both know, the final arbitrator of truth and good taste on the internet \u2013 and I\u2019m always right.  Just ask me! <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1646\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"greatbetter\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why do guys always twist your words around when you make a suggestion to them to make something that\u2019s already great better?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Not unlike falling into the manhole of comedy, criticism is when you tell me how to make it better.   Constructive criticism is when I tell you how to make it better.  Really, whatever it is, we don\u2019t want to hear that it\u2019s not 100 percent perfect because not because we did it, built it, thought of it, or are overly proud of it.  We don\u2019t want to hear about how to improve on it because we\u2019re bored with it already, we\u2019re done, finished, moving on.  We\u2019re lazy, really, and if you think you can make it better, go ahead, because it\u2019s Miller Time, baby \u2013 he did his part.  You\u2019re dealing with intellectual ADD here \u2013 let\u2019s go ride our bikes!<\/p>\n<p>Besides, he only sees in binary \u2013 it\u2019s either awesome or it sucks.  His team won or they lost.  The ball went through the hoop, or posts, or net, or it didn\u2019t.   Hi it the mark or he missed it.  We live every day with the certain knowledge that walking across the moors of fate, we find only the singular flame of eternal glory or the dark swirling mists of perpetual obscurity \u2013 there is no middle path.  If it\u2019s not already awesome, as Harry Chapin\u2019s brother Tom once told him:  \u201cHarry, it sucks.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1653\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"ontravel\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why is it that you\u2019re always on travel somewhere when the kids get ill, break an arm, or we have a flash flood that closes school?  How do you know in advance to leave for those inconvenient times?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> No no, that\u2019s just silly.  We couldn\u2019t possibly have sixth sense that tells us to book that trip for the time when little Sweetheart will spike 104.8 fever, while the power is blinking during the hurricane and the dog is throwing up and fish died yesterday and the damn washing machine started leaking.  Nope.<\/p>\n<p>Yeah, OK, we do.  It\u2019s tied to our ability to sense when it\u2019s not going to be a good week for Hey Hey, if you get my drift.  After a while we can just look at the calendar and say, yep, about 11 weeks from now will be a good time to attend that conference.  In Vegas.  (Unless you live in Vegas, in which case his conference is in Hawaii.)<\/p>\n<p>We don\u2019t mean to do it.  It really does \u201djust work out that way\u201d sometimes.  And don\u2019t think we don\u2019t feel badly about it!  Take the following example:  \u201cHey, glad I could reach you out there!  Our 9-yr-old daughter just crashed her bike down the hill and broke both arms; the Dr says she\u2019ll be in casts for weeks.\u201d   His response:  \u201cReally?  Hey, we\u2019re drinkin\u2019 out here!\u201d <\/p>\n<p>But he really did feel bad about it.  You know, when he got home. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1846\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"manpris\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>What\u2019s up with the long-shorts?  Horrible laundry accident?  Can\u2019t commit to pants?  Hurricane preparedness?  What?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Right off the bat, I\u2019m just gonna say it:  Don\u2019t mock the manpris, man.  Just like Metro\u2019s the new Hetero, the short longs that are neither are just the thing for the sensitive macho man who needs to shield the knees but still wants to feel the breeze on those rock-solid ankles and chiseled calves.  They\u2019re long for shorts and short on style, but these versatile vestments are every man\u2019s vowels as he spells the word S-U-M-M-E-R.<\/p>\n<p>Yeah, sorry \u2013 did I mention I have a problem with ad copy?  Look, we both know most guys have no sense of fashion whatsoever.   If I\u2019m wearing mid-calf pants, you can assume that (1) I don\u2019t realize it; (2) I tried to do the laundry without supervision, or (3) I\u2019m in the backyard building my ark.  Since my \u2018chiseled calves\u2019 look more like frightened steers, you\u2019re within your rights to call me on it if I\u2019m in public.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1709\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"gottapee\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why do men think it\u2019s ok to pee in public?  I live behind a tee box on a golf course.  It can be unpleasant.  Or be seen without shirts in public?  The whole unpleasant aspect again\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Most men don\u2019t think it\u2019s ok to pee in public.  A guy who\u2019s had a few drinks, on the other hand, will suddenly remember that he doesn\u2019t have to make a scene to relieve himself; he can just find a tree, a bush, a lightpost, a nine-iron, and whip it out.  (I\u2019m guessing you don\u2019t live on the first hole.)  Remember, with a little practice, we don\u2019t even have to stop walking.<\/p>\n<p>In this case there are two kinds of pissers:  Those who think you can\u2019t or won\u2019t see them, and those who secretly hope you will.  Both of them have had enough to drink that peeing outside in public doesn\u2019t sound like a bad idea anymore.  The ones who think you can\u2019t see them are usually much more inebriated, as though the telephone pole they\u2019re standing behind can hide the fact that they\u2019re 275 pounds and fumbling for their belt.  The guys who secretly hope to be \u201ccaught\u201d have the following fantasy:  \u201cOMG, is that your penis?\u201d  \u201cWhy, yes, yes it is!\u201d  Despite the fact that in the history of the world, this has never, ever, lead to Hey Hey, he\u2019s still hoping that he\u2019ll be the first, that this time he\u2019ll get actually lucky, as opposed to just lucky not to be arrested. <\/p>\n<p>Yes, some guys really think like that.  We\u2019re pigs.  As for the shirtless part, that\u2019s partly the same reason (\u201cbecause we can\u201d) and partly because he\u2019s hoping to impress you with his manly chest and massive pectoral muscles.  The fact that his massive pecs turned into sagging manboobs 35 years ago has not yet changed his self-image:  the balding guy with the beer gut still sees the high school football champ when he looks in the mirror.  Why would you not want to see him without his shirt? <\/p>\n<p>He thinks of this show as being not so much \u201cunpleasant\u201d as just \u201ca little late.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1651\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"nakedguns\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why do men like guns?  ESPECIALLY naked women with guns?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> You know, everyone said people wouldn\u2019t go for peanut butter combined with chocolate too, but they were wrong.  So let\u2019s examine this.<\/p>\n<p>Guns.  Long hard barrel, stuff comes out the end when you manipulate it, symbol of power, makes the weak feel strong and the strong feel invincible.  The holder feels a sense of satisfaction and pleasure when it shoots.  Do you need a better metaphor for a penis?  No?  I didn\u2019t think so either.<\/p>\n<p>OK, what about Naked Women?  Let\u2019s go back to the bit about stuff comes out the end when you manipulate it, and leave it at that.  Guys love to see naked women, pretty much regardless of what they\u2019re holding.  Most men will tell you that naked women look just fine holding anything from an IRS tax invoice to a box of lightbulbs \u2013 they\u2019re not really going to notice what she\u2019s holding most of the time.<\/p>\n<p>So, you take a woman with no clothes on and hand her a very powerful penis metaphor, and you\u2019re probably going have his attention locked, cocked, and ready to go.  He wants to see something shoot.  If you asked him what kind of gun she was holding, he couldn\u2019t do much better than \u201ca big one.\u201d <\/p>\n<p>Now, I\u2019m all for nudity on all sides and while I\u2019m not a gun fanatic, I do like to shoot them once in a while.  However, I confess I was thinking that if a woman is butt nekkid and holding a piece, the only things being shot are the photos.  I mean, ouch! <\/p>\n<p>But, in the interest of the complete objectivity for which I am known, I decided that I should do a little research into your question.  I\u2019m happy to report that Googling \u201ctits and guns\u201d only took me six and half hours over two weeks \u2013 I wanted to make sure my research was thorough, you see.  In the interest of prudent prurience, I will leave you with this 26-second video clip, which is very nearly almost safe for work, depending on where you work and as long as you keep the volume off.  Notice, please the gradual buildup, the mounting tension, the unstoppable momentum, and the money shot at the end. <\/p>\n<p>Look familiar?<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1649\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"commentary\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>The studs in the romance books provide their lovers with a running commentary.  Is one allowed to or supposed to talk during Hey Hey?  Should a girl expect it?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> The short answer is that one could hope both your mouths would be otherwise occupied.   The long answer, and it is a very long answer (he said with a wink), is that we all know that sex is like baseball, and that ninety percent of Hey Hey is half mental (as are fifty percent of your partners, but that\u2019s a different post).  Sometimes we all need a few words of encouragement, or even a stern talking to.<\/p>\n<p>The trouble is in the execution of this talking.  The difference between the number of romance writers and the number of romance writers who have had sex with other people is staggering.  Just because they can write about some seriously kinky Hey Hey does not mean they\u2019ve ever actually had such Hey Hey, nor that they could if cornered at a cocktail party.  The Marquis de Sade is noted and remembered for his writing \u2013 did he really DO all those things?  Not so sure.<\/p>\n<p>Also remember that the stud in the romance books has a big advantage over your partner.  Not being real, he can enjoy the sight of your heaving bosom and tell you all about what he\u2019s thinking while not having any of the performance anxiety usually connected to maintaining his throbbing member.   Remember, he\u2019s in a book.<\/p>\n<p>Your partner, on the other hand, is not in a book.  As far as he\u2019s concerned, he\u2019s in a dream.  He\u2019s probably not thinking about saying much (OK, he\u2019s probably not thinking much), since he used up his store of words for the day while talking you out of your clothes.   Most men only really need to say about 6000 words a day, and he\u2019s pretty much tapped out by now \u2013 if you\u2019re getting more than \u201cMmmmmmmmm,\u201d it\u2019s a bonus.  Also, he\u2019s desperately scared of saying the wrong thing \u2013 he invested a lot of time and energy getting to this part of the day, and he REALLY doesn\u2019t want to screw it up and accidentally make you mad by opening his mouth other than to breathe \u2013 and possibly not even for that.  Are his eyes bugging out a little?  They are, aren\u2019t they?  He\u2019s not going to open his mouth except to put something interesting in there.<\/p>\n<p>Also, remember that he doesn\u2019t expect to have to tell you what his throbbing member is doing, or where it is.  He\u2019s *really* hoping you can feel it, unless you\u2019re still wearing that hot latex outfit or you\u2019ve been anesthetized \u2013 locally, since if you\u2019re under general anesthesia (A) he\u2019s talking to himself and (B) that\u2019s no time for Hey Hey, everything they say about dead girls notwithstanding.  If you have to ask \u201cSo, where is it now?\u201d he\u2019s probably going to collapse. <\/p>\n<p>You, on the other hand, are welcome to cheer him on; provide direction, guidance, or instructions; keep the beat; whatever you like.  If you\u2019re counting on him to recognize how you\u2019re doing by watching your eyebrows, forget it \u2013 we can\u2019t take hints well under normal circumstances, much less now.   Tell him what you like and he\u2019ll do it.  Don\u2019t worry that he\u2019s not doing the same \u2013 he\u2019s not going to tell you what he likes, because anything you\u2019re doing is great, trust me.  If you think you\u2019re not doing whatever it is you\u2019re doing fast enough, remember that he\u2019s not in a hurry to stop doing this. <\/p>\n<p>The only other thing to keep in mind is that if you make enough noise, you risk having the neighbors or kids check out the commotion and find you in Hey Hey Flagrante.  Lock the door.  A friend of mine in college, who lived in Stalnaker Hall, was known as the Stalnaker Screamer \u2013 and not because she\u2019d seen a mouse, if you know what I mean. <\/p>\n<p>So, are you allowed to talk?  All you like!  Scream like your mom can\u2019t hear you.  Are you supposed to talk?  If it makes you feel good, if it\u2019s good for you \u2013 you bet.  Should he be talking?  Usually your call, but remember that most of the intercourse discourse with which he\u2019s familiar he learned from watching porn; if you want him to use language you don\u2019t usually hear from him, I assure you he knows it \u2013 he just doesn\u2019t know what else he should say.  He\u2019s not likely to start comparing Thee to a Summer\u2019s Day. <\/p>\n<p>Or, maybe he is:<\/p>\n<pre>Shall I compare thee unh, yeah, to a summer's day?\r\nThou art more lovely oh god you're beautiful and more uhn temperate.\r\nRough yeah, harder, winds do shake the darling buds of your breasts,\r\nAnd summer's lease hath yeah oh yeah like that all too short a date.\r\nSometime too god you're hot too the eye of heaven shines, ah,\r\nAnd often is his gold, oh yeah baby complexion dimmed;\r\nAnd every fair from f-ooh god, sometime declines,\r\nBy chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed, yeah, you know I love that;\r\nBut thy eternal summer shall not fade, no, yeah, don't stop\r\nNor lose possession of that fair thou oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ow'st,\r\nNor shall death brag about how he banged you,\r\nWhen in eternal lines to Time thou oh god yes, now, yeah, don't stop, thou grow'st.\r\nSo long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, yeah, almost there,\r\nSo long lives this, oh god oh god oh god and this oh yeeees, gives life to thee.<\/pre>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1644\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"legorbreast\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why is the question, \u201cAre you a leg or a breast man?\u201d a natural greeting amongst some of the lesser menfolk?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> No no, it\u2019s a fried chicken thing.  Honest.  (And you know we love fried chicken!)<\/p>\n<p>No?  What?  You\u2019re giving me that look.  OK, no, you got me.  You\u2019re right, we\u2019re pigs.  We look at your body and scan for the highlights.  The guys who ask each other this question are talking in code, looking to find others of their own kind, the lowest common denominator on the Pig sweepstakes.  (\u201cI can objectify those women in seven words!\u201d) <\/p>\n<p>Because if the question gets an answer, like to like, then there\u2019s a chance that the respondent might be able to provide his interlocutor with pictures of the preferred selection of said anatomy. <\/p>\n<p>And believe me, before the advent of online porn, those lesser menfolk \u2013 and you\u2019ve nearly answered your own question with that phrase \u2013 didn\u2019t get to see much of them there wimmin\u2019s parts and protocols, if you know what I\u2019m sayin\u2019, and not hardly ever at all, if you mean strictly legal-like.  There\u2019s a chance that as porn becomes ever more prevalent, this question might even die out.  We can hope!<\/p>\n<p>Me, I\u2019m a just a Big Ugly fried chicken fan.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1631\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"reallysick\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why is it that whenever I get sick, my spouse likes to inform me that he is actually feeling worse?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Now, hold on a second.<\/p>\n<p>OK, I\u2019m back, thanks.  Yeah, he\u2019s a jerk.  We all are, really.  This kind of behavior is ingrained in many of us from a young age, by which I mean \u2018before we were born\u2019 \u2013 the concept of brinksmanship, one-upsmanship, call it what you will.  Anything you can do, I can do better.  I\u2019m the man in this house, sweetheart, and as such I expect to be taller, wider, heavier, faster, sicker, and drunker than you.  I\u2019d love to say we got it from our dads, but mostly we didn\u2019t.  We got it from one another, on the playground. <\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy wrist hurts.\u201d <\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh yeah?  My whole arm hurts.\u201d <\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh yeah?  My arm\u2019s actually broken.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh yeah?  Look, I\u2019m bleeding.  Doesn\u2019t bother me any.\u201d <\/p>\n<p>\u201cReally?  I\u2019m actually dead.  I just breathe out of habit.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Trust me, if you\u2019re sick, he wants to be sicker \u2013 both to show you solidarity in your time of illness, and to keep up the game.  He doesn\u2019t even think about it anymore, he\u2019s not doing it consciously \u2013 it\u2019s a call and response from his limbic system.  Try this: look dead at him, catch his eye, and sing a low note \u2013 then point at him.  No warning, no explanation.  I\u2019ll bet you he tries to sing a lower note. <\/p>\n<p>So, yeah, you\u2019re not feeling well.  He\u2019s on his last legs, near death.  He just didn\u2019t want to mention it because it\u2019s not manly (unless he has pneumonia, which is bitchin cool), and besides, if he had told you how unwell he was, you might not think he was up for a little Hey Hey later. <\/p>\n<p>And he is.  Even if he\u2019s dead.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1612\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"peeagain\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>How does the pee get on the outside of the toilet?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Now, we\u2019ve discussed toilets here before, but let\u2019s go into some detail on the mechanics.  I\u2019m going to start with something that you know, intellectually, but you may forget in the general case \u2013 we\u2019re standing up.  Many women I\u2019ve talked to about urine \u2013 and you\u2019d be surprised how often the topic comes up \u2013 tell me that they\u2019ve never had the opportunity nor occasion to pee into a target (bowl, bucket, whathaveyou) while standing up.  Or at least not while sober.<\/p>\n<p>So, starting with \u201che\u2019s standing up,\u201d the next item is \u201cgetting started.\u201d  Have you ever started a car by stomping on the gas, only to find that the wheels were turned to the side?  This happens to us.  It\u2019s not unlike targeting bullets using tracer rounds \u2013 you see where the first few salvos went and adjust fire accordingly.  Sometimes we\u2019re a little wider off the mark than we thought.<\/p>\n<p>And then we come to \u201cstopping.\u201d  Ever watched a garden hose go from all the way ON to all the way OFF?  Right.  There\u2019s an old poem among men: <\/p>\n<pre>No matter how you shake it\r\nno matter how you dance\r\nthose last few couple drops\r\nalways get on your pants.<\/pre>\n<p>That final trickle doesn\u2019t always go where we think it did.  It\u2019s not that we don\u2019t try, it\u2019s just that we slept through that part of our Fluid Dynamics classes that day. <\/p>\n<p>And finally \u2013 clean it up?  Let\u2019s face it, if he was actually cleaning the toilets you wouldn\u2019t be writing to the ManFAQ.  He might clean the top part that he can see (from above \u2013 remember, he\u2019s standing above it, and anything outside his immediate field of view does not exist) if he knows you\u2019re checking on him or that his mother\u2019s coming for dinner, but other than that he probably doesn\u2019t notice that you\u2019ve cleaned them, or that they should be cleaned.  To him, it\u2019s the natural state of the toilet.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1596\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"musclecars\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>What is it with the muscle cars?  Are you really compensating for something?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> As much as I\u2019d like to say, no, we\u2019re not\u2026  Yes, we are.  But it\u2019s not what you think!<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re compensating for not being able to wear swords and six-guns anymore, for the lack of that feeling of righteous power coursing through our veins when we heft the battle club and look our enemy in the eye.  We\u2019re supplanting the sensation of superiority we used to claim by being muscle-bound manly men with the visceral vroom of an overloud engine.  Not me, mind you, I drive a, well, let\u2019s not talk about that, but anyway I understand.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re compensating for a bygone time, when men were men, danger and honor were synonymous, and respect was still measured in who\u2019s was longer.  Now, we\u2019re settling for who\u2019s is louder.<\/p>\n<p>Besides, why do I keep seeing women, many of them 100 lbs or less, driving H3 Hummers or Jeeps that could crush my pimped-up Subaru Outback like a Matchbox toy?  What are they compensating for?<\/p>\n<p>Could it be that cars that goes vroomvrooom all low and growly-like are just cool?  Maybe they are, maybe they are.  Maybe I\u2019ll go buy one tomorrow.  I\u2019ll let you know.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1579\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"mancave\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>Why is his \u201cman room\u201d always a mess?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Whoa.  The obvious first question is, why are you in the \u201cman room?\u201d  Dude, he\u2019s got a designated space where he\u2019s not going to worry about cleaning to your standards, and you\u2019re going to beat him up for not cleaning to your standards?  He doesn\u2019t know you\u2019re in there, does he?<\/p>\n<p>Obviously, and I\u2019ve covered this before, he Just. Doesn\u2019t. Care.  It\u2019ll get cleaned one of these days, probably 10 minutes before your parents (or his) come over.  What you identify as \u201cman room\u201d he thinks of as \u201csafe zone,\u201d which means he has no intention of picking up after himself in there more than once a month, if that.  Besides, if he waits long enough, the cleaning fairy might come pick up for him, while he\u2019s out. <\/p>\n<p>My advice \u2013 don\u2019t do it.  Just don\u2019t go in there at all.  If you can smell the room from outside the threshold, give him his orders (for instance, \u201cMy mother will be here in 20 minutes\u201d).  Otherwise, I\u2019d say give it up as a bad job and get on with your life.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1548\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"suitcases\">Question:<\/a><\/strong><em>I don\u2019t understand why I\u2019ve got two suitcases and a bag, and he\u2019s only got a small bag.  We\u2019re going to the same place, for the same time.  WTF, over?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> There are a lot of forces at play here.  First, I have to tell you that the urge to ask why you NEED two suitcases and a bag is nearly overwhelming, but of course I\u2019m blessed with an iron will, and shall forbear against this base urge.<\/p>\n<p>Now, men the world round may hunt me down for letting this cat out of the suitcase, but I should let you know that your answer is actually zipped up within your question.  Take a look at what you\u2019ve packed.  Look closely.  How much of that stuff you need to bring is either ours, or stuff that you\u2019re bringing because we\u2019re coming with you? <\/p>\n<p>Right.  Of course he\u2019s only got a carry-on.  You\u2019re probably lugging around half his shorts, his golf Polos, his hiking boots, spare watch, razor, second-best belt, that tie you got him at Nordstrom Rack on clearance, and the mini socket set that he brings everywhere like a security blanket from Craftsman.  He\u2019s carrying two pairs of boxers and a fez. <\/p>\n<p>There are two other reasons that he travels lighter than you do, and I\u2019m glad to report that these are fraught with somewhat less perfidy than the first \u2013 though perhaps with no less danger.<\/p>\n<p>Have you ever opened one of those \u201cfwock\u201d roll containers, like you buy at the grocery store?  You know, with the biscuits or rolls that you bake at 375 degrees for 12-15 minutes or until golden brown and delicious?  Do you remember opening those, when you peel it a little way and then hit it against the counter or with a spoon and it goes \u201cFWOCK\u201d and pops open, usually spilling one of the damn biscuits on the floor and forcing you to decide which child has been the worst behaved this week?<\/p>\n<p>Try opening that \u201clittle\u201d bag he\u2019s carrying.  I\u2019d recommend unzipping it a little way, then hitting it with a spoon.  He doesn\u2019t care that his shirts will come out looking like unbaked crescent rolls, his pants balled up like a Slinky with a bad hair day.  It\u2019ll come out in the wash \u2013 and we all know how that happens, don\u2019t we?<\/p>\n<p>The last reason is even more mundane, and as such is probably more often the truth than the others.  We\u2019re only bringing a few clothes because we\u2019ll wear them a half-dozen times before it bothers us.  Men who pack more are travelling with or travelling to women who will bust them for wearing the same clothes several days in row.  Otherwise, we just don\u2019t care.  <\/p>\n<p>If he really needs to bring that extra stuff, chances are he\u2019ll figure out a way to ask you to pack it.  You\u2019re dealing with the same group of people who invented the idea of the caddy, after all.  \u201cDid you pack my yellow Polo shirt\u201d sounds an awful lot like \u201cI think the 9-iron, what do think?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1522\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em><strong><a name=\"8ways\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> I was reading this post &#8211; <a title=\"You have GOT to be kidding me\" href=\"http:\/\/madamenoire.com\/56323\/8-ways-to-make-a-man-feel-like-a-man\/\" target=\"_blank\">http:\/\/madamenoire.com\/56323\/8-ways-to-make-a-man-feel-like-a-man\/<\/a> &#8211; about how to make your man &#8220;feel like a man&#8221; and I wanted your opinion.  Does this stuff work?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer: <\/strong>What the hell?  OK, the short answer is no.  The article provides an intro and then 8 examples of how you can make your man feel like a man, whatever that means.  In the interest of completeness, I will respond to each of these items in turn, to maximize your understanding of how far off she is in most of these cases.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>The male ego is a fragile one.<\/em><\/strong><em> Like women, men need to know you care, that you are appreciative and that you love them. Just as daily compliments and sweet kisses make us feel feminine and pretty, there are similar things we can do for our men to help validate their masculinity. The things we say and do mean much more than they lend us to believe. Seldom do men admit to their specific emotional needs but, in many ways, they want the same things. Your man wants to feel loved; he wants to feel attractive; he wants to feel capable and needed. <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>OK, what?  First off, no, he doesn\u2019t want to feel attractive or feel validated or feel needed, he wants to feel your chest.  If you think his ego is fragile, you should assume that he thinks you\u2019re more likely to sleep with him if you think that.  It\u2019s not fragile, it\u2019s just very, very hard.  His \u201cspecific emotional needs\u201d are limited to Hey Hey and beer, for the most part, and if he seldom admits them, it\u2019s because they\u2019re embarrassingly short.<\/p>\n<p>So much for the into.  Then begin 8 tips for \u201chelping your man feel like the man he is,\u201d which I\u2019ll address in turn:<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>1.  Let him order for you. <\/em><\/strong><em>Ask him to take you to one of his favorite restaurants and insist he order for you. Since it\u2019s his spot, he will enjoy selecting something he\u2019s certain you will like. And, if you don\u2019t, send it back and let him try again.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Send it back?  This is not a game of Go Fish, Go Chicken, or Go Salad.  This is a restaurant, and if you\u2019re going to let him order for you, you\u2019re damn well going to eat what shows up in front of you.  To say nothing of the wait staff at his favorite restaurant, who are going to cringe when they see you walking in with him next time.  Send it back???<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>2.  Attend his company events. <\/em><\/strong><em>If you and your guy work in different industries, this is the perfect chance to let him professionally flex his arm candy. Men are often proud of the women they love, so let him bask in showing you off.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Also, please wear the skimpiest outfit you have.  As long as we\u2019re showing you off, let\u2019s make sure to push them up and out, highlight the orchestra and balcony.  Flat and sassy isn\u2019t why you\u2019re here \u2013 that ain\u2019t it kid.  Let\u2019s add a dash of silicone, tape that dress on and shake those maracas.  You want him to get promoted, don\u2019tcha?<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>3.  Make his plate. <\/em><\/strong><em>Waiting on your man lets him know he is special and you want to take care of him. Whether you are visiting in-laws, attending a cookout or eating Chinese takeout at home, make a plate for the booskie \u2014 at least every once in a while. He will feel like he\u2019s doing his job and be inspired by your appreciation. <\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>He\u2019s doing his job by sitting on his ass in front of the game and waiting for you to bring him food and beer?  The only thing this is going to inspire him to do is keep sitting on his ass and waiting for you to bring him more food and beer.  Also, he\u2019ll eventually suggest that you could bring that plate to him while naked.  Although that may be an issue if by \u201cvisiting in-laws\u201d we mean <strong>your<\/strong> parents \u2013 his dad won\u2019t mind, and his mom probably thinks you\u2019re a hussy anyway.<\/p>\n<p>Also, what the hell\u2019s a booskie?<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>4.  Put him in charge of the directions. <\/em><\/strong><em>Men like to think they are good at following and remembering directions. When he insists on knowing how to get somewhere, say O.K. Better yet, put the ball in his court and suggest he take the responsibility. You know, because he\u2019s so gifted.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Look, we all know what a bad idea this is, right?  <a title=\"ManFAQ Friday: It\u2019s right around here somewhere\u2026\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=579\" target=\"_blank\">I\u2019ve covered this one before, right?<\/a> Don\u2019t go there.  Nothing good can come of this.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>5.  Give him full reign in the bedroom. <\/em><\/strong><em>Don\u2019t speak just moan and give your man complete control. Let him flip you up, down, over, under\u2014whatever he wants (within predetermined parameters, of course). Talk dirty, scream and groan so he can take credit for the bad girl moment. He will fall asleep feeling like a stallion.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s right ladies, it\u2019s better for him when you\u2019re standing on your head.  Predetermined parameters?  Bah, what fun are those?  Let\u2019s go exploring!  Open up!  After all, he\u2019s looking for you to have that \u201cbad girl\u201d moment, so he can take credit for it \u2013 because only bad girls make noise.  All the rest of the girls he\u2019s been with were quiet as mice.<\/p>\n<p>Do you know why we have this myth?  I\u2019ll tell you.  It\u2019s because we never heard our parents in Hey Hey Flagrante.  There\u2019s this subconscious thought that since MOM never made noise, either they never did it, or the right way to do it is silently.  As a parent, I can tell you that it\u2019s quiet because we don\u2019t want to wake up the damn kids, not because it\u2019s more fun that way.  Sheesh.<\/p>\n<p>So please, just let him stand you on your head, curse for him a bit, and think of England.  Don\u2019t worry about the stallion thing \u2013 he\u2019ll fall asleep regardless.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>6.  Teach him to drive while pleasured. <\/em><\/strong><em>Men love oral sex, especially when it\u2019s uninhibited and spontaneous. Unzip his pants while he\u2019s driving and make that trip to church a little more exciting.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Church???  \u201cGive us this day our daily head\u201d is NOT how I remember that prayer, but hey, it\u2019s been a long time.  Also, \u201cuninhibited and spontaneous?\u201d  Have you ever given inhibited head?  How does that work, exactly?  And spontaneous \u2013 right, that\u2019s why we\u2019re planning this several days in advance.<\/p>\n<p>Since we\u2019re here, let me clear up a few myths about this:  No, we\u2019re not going to crash the car, assuming you don\u2019t knock into the gear shift.  (The <em>other<\/em> gear shift, thank you very much.)  Also, no, we\u2019re really not going to steer over toward that 18-wheeler so the trucker can watch.  (Unless you want us to, which is a different post.)<\/p>\n<p>But anyway, yes, this one\u2019s a winner \u2013 make sure you both have something to feel freshly guilty about when you get to church.  Great idea.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>7.  Give him a massage. <\/em><\/strong><em>Ease him into the night after a long workday with a pre- or post-shower massage to help relieve tension. Verbalize how hard you know he works and how much you admire his ambition.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not his ambition he\u2019s waiting for you to admire, and if you start rubbing him \u201cto relieve tension,\u201d you\u2019d better assume we\u2019re going to be rubbing everything else \u201cto relieve tension\u201d in short order.  Showers after.  Besides, we covered how hard he works in number 3, above \u2013 his job is sitting on his ass in front of the game and waiting for you to bring him food and beer.  It\u2019s a tough job, but someone\u2019s got to do it.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"><strong><em>8.  Thank him. <\/em><\/strong><em>It doesn\u2019t have to be for anything out of the ordinary. In fact, it will probably go farther if it isn\u2019t. Focus on the small things like how he always opens doors or takes the initiative to make minor repairs around your condo. Let him know you are thankful to have a man who can care for you.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Thanks for picking up your damn underwear the second time I asked.  Thanks for finally remembering the garbage goes out on Wednesday night.  Thanks for ordering the pizza again.  Sure, good idea.  You could give him one of those little \u201cWinner\u201d statues as well; the second-grader down the street has a few he can loan you.  Sadly, he won\u2019t get the irony.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1494\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Laundry\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   I\u2019m sure lots of guys do laundry \u2013 why can\u2019t mine seem to make this happen without help?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  Most of us are convinced that the laundry will eventually do itself.  When we were in college, there were documented cases of guys wearing their clothes long enough that the shirts and pants became so imbued with the essence of the guy that they crawled off without him and washed themselves.  We knew this was true because the guy would wake up the next morning and wouldn\u2019t be able to find his clothes anywhere.  (This was usually obvious when he tried to walk the rest of the way home.)  Anyway, it\u2019s the only explanation that makes sense.<\/p>\n<p>So yeah, he\u2019ll get around to it if you\u2019re willing to wait.  It might be easier to get a new blouse, though, if you\u2019re waiting for him to do your laundry also.  Most of us understand laundry at the same level as \u201crent\u201d and \u201ccar payments\u201d \u2013 expensive, unpleasant things that can wait until the last possible minute, once a month \u2013 like \u201cthat\u201d week, but with detergent.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1480\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Weiner\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   Why on earth do you think it\u2019s a good idea to take a picture of that?  Do you really think we want to see it?  Does Weiner have some kind of mental defect, or are you ALL like that?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  First, let me make two things perfectly clear:  Yes, he has a mental defect.  And yes, we\u2019re all like that.  Look, there are a few things at play here &#8211; so to speak. <\/p>\n<p>First, the idea that you wouldn\u2019t want to look at it doesn\u2019t occur to us \u2013 Hey, Look What I Made!  We\u2019re excited, we think you should be excited too \u2013 he made that thing himself, you know.  Or at least we hope he did, if he\u2019s sending you the gift of GIF. <\/p>\n<p>Second, he thinks it\u2019s pretty.  Remember that he\u2019s had it forever, and it\u2019s the only thing that he\u2019s always been able to count on to make him happy and feel good \u2013 of course it\u2019s beautiful to him.  It\u2019s the prettiest thing in the world.  (This is also the main attraction of Point of View porn, but that\u2019s another post.)  So yes, he does think you want to see it. <\/p>\n<p>And last, you know that he wants you to see it so you\u2019re thinking about Hey Hey.  I\u2019ll confess, we don\u2019t ALL think sending the Polaroid of the Pole is the best opening line \u2013 sometimes a simple pubic hair on a can of Coke will do \u2013 but you ARE thinking about it, aren\u2019t you?<\/p>\n<p>Momma, don\u2019t take my Kodachrome away!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1469\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Device\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   I know you\u2019re so mightily important that you need a device that provides 24\u00d77 connectivity, but do you have some kind of sixth sense for turning your phones off when I need to reach you?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  No, we don\u2019t have a sixth sense for that.  We have a seventh sense for that.  Our sixth sense is completely dedicated to Hey Hey and the pursuit thereof.   The sixth sense is the one that comes up with plausible excuses for not taking your calls:  \u201cI\u2019m sorry, it wasn\u2019t charged last night \u2013 I think the charger\u2019s dead.\u201d  \u201cYou called?  I must have been in a bad cell \u2013 unless you called while I was in the Top Secret facility; the phones don\u2019t work in there.\u201d  \u201cI forgot to take it off silent after I finished my meeting with the President.\u201d  These are designed to make you less mad and more likely to consider further Hey Hey \u2013 the sixth sense is the one that nudges us with the one most likely to work.<\/p>\n<p>The seventh sense is the one that tells him you\u2019re not calling to coordinate Hey Hey or beer, you\u2019re calling to see if he can turn around and pick up the kid\u2019s clothes and bring them to school, or to remind him to pick up your mother at the airport, or clean the catbox, or pick up some tofu on the way home.  Those calls.  We really don\u2019t receive them, because we really did leave the charger plugged into the outlet that\u2019s on the wall switch, and we can\u2019t remember to flip the switch if we want it charge.  Also, he probably couldn\u2019t have heard you anyway &#8211; it\u2019s his favorite song they\u2019re gonna play.  He\u2019s kinda busy.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1465\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Skidmarks\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   What\u2019s with the skidmarks?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  OK, look.  It itches.  Things that itch, we scratch.  We don\u2019t care where, or how, or who\u2019s watching.  Have you ever seen a professional baseball game?  Thirty-five thousand in the stands and a million people watching on television, and the shortstop is scratching his nuts.  Why?  Because they itch.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ve seen what we eat, and Hello! I covered the hirsute cheek-horn last week.  What do you think happens when all that hair is displaced by a brief gale?  It gets out of position, and someone needs to make it right.  It itches, and there\u2019s this convenient scrap of cloth Right There! <\/p>\n<p>So yeah, sorry about that.  Certain drugs list \u201cseepage\u201d as a side effect; it turns out that two of those drugs are coffee and beer \u2013 which then makes the little brown rosebud itch.  I would never suggest that prostate self-exams contribute to the issue, because we all know that real guys don\u2019t do that.   Um, much.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1434\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Elephant\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   What is it with the farting?  Pull your finger???<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  Ohhhhh, why yes thank you.  Much better. <\/p>\n<p>Sometimes it\u2019s the elephant under the chair.  The barking tree spiders.  The duck I stepped on.  Sometimes we just need to share what we had for lunch.  Or that six-pack we just had.  But yeah, we think it\u2019s funny to toot the trouser tuba &#8211; mostly because we\u2019re, ya know, about 8 years old.  Also remember, Men are from Mars, and you should smell the air there.   Cosby nailed this one: he used to say that Fathers were the only ones in the house allowed to have gas.  \u201cOh lord, what happened in here?\u201d  We\u2019re still riding that elephant 40 years later, and the kids still haven\u2019t found him under my chair.<\/p>\n<p>In my house, it\u2019s also used as incentive for the kids to keep their rooms clean or otherwise behave at bedtime.  \u201cDo I need to leave you something to remember me by?\u201d  \u201cNooooooooooo Daddy, no!  I\u2019ll turn the light out!  Don\u2019t blow the butt trumpet!\u201d   Very useful, those air biscuits!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1410\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Clueless\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   Why are some guys so clueless?  Can he not see that she likes him?  Why doesn\u2019t he notice her?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  Yes, we\u2019re clueless.  Most of us will admit it readily if asked.  We don\u2019t get subtle hints.  We don\u2019t even, usually, get very broad hints.  If she likes him, her best bet is to walk up to him, grab him by whatever article of clothing or appendage she\u2019s comfortable grabbing, and telling him something like, \u201cOy, you!  I like you.  Let\u2019s get to know each other better,\u201d and take things from there.  You\u2019d save yourselves weeks of wondering and thinking and all that.  If he\u2019s made eye contact with you more than twice, he probably has noticed you and he just doesn\u2019t want you to catch him staring, or he thinks you must already be in a relationship since you\u2019re cute, or he\u2019s worried that you\u2019ll kill him for talking to you, or more likely that the 17 other ladies you walk around with will turn on him like the maenads, transformed by his nerve in suddenly speaking to you that they switch to \u2018raving\u2019 mode, lose their self-control, start shouting excitedly, and then ritualistically hunt him down and tear him to pieces, devouring his raw flesh \u2014 and not in a good way. <\/p>\n<p>Yes, we think like that.  Big groups of women still make us nervous.  Most mythology has its roots in history. <\/p>\n<p>Anyway, so it\u2019s that, or he\u2019s just a big dumb lug.  Don\u2019t be subtle, he won\u2019t get it.  Hit him with a bat and get his attention.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1341\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Enlightened\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   Why do some guys appear to be more enlightened than others and how can I find one? (Doesn\u2019t pertain to me but many women want to know.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  First we need to define terms.  By \u201cmore enlightened than others\u201d I have to assume that you mean \u201cmore like the Big Ugly Man Doll,\u201d since I\u2019m widely known as a paragon of virtue, humility, and good taste.   Just so we\u2019re clear on what you\u2019re looking for \u2013 c\u2019est moi!  <\/p>\n<p>So, why do some guys appear to be more enlightened?  What makes me seem like such a rare blossom in this filthy jungle?  Well, you\u2019ve answered your question by asking it \u2013 it\u2019s an appearance, and those can be deceiving.   What makes this appearance work?  You do! <\/p>\n<p>You see us in costume, all dressed for the day, and think, gosh, he hardly looks like an animal at all.  Often your expectations for us are so low that once we\u2019ve held the door open or cleaned up the wet spot once or twice, you think we\u2019re sensitive, caring individuals.  We\u2019re not.  Yes, he got the door.  Yes, he can clean up a little.   Here\u2019s what the difference is:<\/p>\n<p>The \u201cenlightened\u201d ones, such as myself, have a sense of the future.  We exist in more than just Right Now, the top of this infinitely cresting wave of Time as it fires the sands of the future into the glass of the past.  We can think about more than just Hey Hey yesterday or Hey Hey right now. <\/p>\n<p>We can imagine Hey Hey\u2026  Later.<\/p>\n<p>And that\u2019s the difference.  Really.  He\u2019s still an animal.  He\u2019s just figured out that by \u201cappearing\u201d enlightened, he\u2019s improving his chances with you.  As for the second part of your question, how you can go about finding one?  Where in the world is there in the world a man so extraordinaire? <\/p>\n<p>The simplest way by far is to get all your possible candidates to read this ManFAQ, and the rest of the BUMD.  If they\u2019re not laughing, throw them back and re-bait your hook!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1275\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Pickup\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   What is it with cheesy pickup lines?  Does that really work?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  First, you need to understand that most of us don&#8217;t really expect ANYTHING to work, and therefore any one bad thing is as good as any other bad thing.  So, when he comes up and asks you if you live around here often, or \u201cGreat legs, what time do they open?\u201d or &#8220;Have you read the BUMD ManFAQ this week?&#8221; he&#8217;s really just trying to differentiate himself in your mind from all those other Hey Hey thrillseekers who will tell you to call them milk, because they&#8217;ll do your body good.  In much the same way that you don&#8217;t have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the other campers, he&#8217;s not aiming for a great line.  He&#8217;s just trying to have a more memorable line than the other guy.<\/p>\n<p>Also, secretly, we all think we&#8217;re Maverick in Top Gun.  Just be glad we&#8217;re not actually singing to you. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1268\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Doctordoctor\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   What is it with men and going to the doctor?  Why is this hard?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  The first thing you have to understand is that we have NO intention of outliving you.   Do you realize that your life expectancy is something like 8-10 years more than ours?   There\u2019s a reason for that.  We are considerably more dependant on you than you think we are, and we\u2019re not prepared to do this whole \u201cmake your own food and find your own way around\u201d thing without you.  To say nothing of shopping.<\/p>\n<p>So yeah, we\u2019re not really interested in finding out what that thing is, or if it\u2019s going to kill us.  We mostly don\u2019t care, as long as we go first.  Plus, if we go to the doctor, they\u2019re going to tell us that we need to eat less red meat, get more exercise, drink less, and generally have less fun.  We know that.  Who wants to live like that?  Diet is just die spelled with a t, you know?  No thanks.<\/p>\n<p>And then there\u2019s the whole naked thing.   You know what happens when we take our clothes off \u2013 we\u2019re mostly not interested in doing that without at least a hope of a happy ending, and Dr. \u201cHi My Name Is Bob\u201d isn\u2019t usually the fantasy we\u2019re having.  (Not that there\u2019s anything wrong with that.)  It\u2019s just that Dr. Bob, or Bobbette, isn\u2019t usually having that same fantasy about us.<\/p>\n<p>So no, we\u2019re mostly not inclined to go to the Dr unless we\u2019re bleeding or otherwise blatently in need of urgent medical attention.  Or there\u2019s a problem with the, you know, plumbing.  That we\u2019re getting fixed, straight off, you betcha.  It\u2019s all about the Hey Hey. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1236\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Feelings\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   Why do men never really tell you what they feel? <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>  Mostly because you have no possible concept of the extent to which thoughts of the possiblity of Hey Hey and thoughts of actual Hey Hey control everything from our vocabulary to our emotional state.   He worries that if he told you how he really felt, at best you wouldn\u2019t believe him, and at worst you\u2019d throw something at him.   \u201cHow do I feel\u201d is not a question that comes up for many men without prompting or special training.  We have a very limited range of emotions:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Hey Hey<\/li>\n<li>Hey Hey<\/li>\n<li>Hey Hey<\/li>\n<li>Beer<\/li>\n<li>Sleep<\/li>\n<li>Hey Hey<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>You can see where it becomes complicated to try to make something up that\u2019s not on this list, when you ask him what he\u2019s feeling.  He knows \u2013 special training \u2013 that he\u2019s not really supposed to respond with one of the above answers, and he\u2019s probably heard that you like the strong silent type, so he stays mum or gives you a very generic answer.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI guess I\u2019m conflicted.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ll never get him to admit that he\u2019s conflicted because his social training and sense of self-preservation are overriding his instincts, which are telling him to grab you by the hair and drag you back to his cave.   You could take him to see Dr. Zhivago and if he told you what he really felt, it would be something on the order of \u201cwould have been better with more sex scenes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes, silence is golden.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1231\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Typical\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   \u201cYou are such a typical man.\u201d  I hear that a lot, and sometimes I even say it.  What does that mean, really?  What is the typical man?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>    \u201cTypical Man\u201d is usually a pejorative synonymous with asshole.  Example:  \u201cQ:  When a woman is having an orgasm, her vagina is contracting and releasing rapidly.  What is her asshole doing?  A:  Sitting on the couch, watching the game.\u201d  For further details, please see my collected works.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1221\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Videogame\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   Why is it that my husband always notices if someone\u2019s video game toon has reached a new level or gotten new gear \u2013 but getting him to notice a new thing in the house or a new hair cut is a bit like pulling teeth?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>   This is actually a corollary to the well-known issue of selective hearing.  The first thing you have to know is that Change Is Bad.  Well, not bad per se, but fraught with danger \u2013 because we don\u2019t know how to react.  You\u2019re describing changes that took place without our knowing about them beforehand &#8211; we weren\u2019t there when it happened and we don\u2019t know what your reaction was at the time. <\/p>\n<p>Do you have any idea how much trouble we think we\u2019ll be in if we come home and say, \u201cWow, great haircut!\u201d only to find that you are firmly of the opinion that this has been the worst hair day of your life to date, and you\u2019re contemplating shaving your head, and you\u2019ve been crying since you got home?  What if it turns out that new vase is from your great aunt Mollie, whom you loathe, and you\u2019re pissed that you have to display it at least until the holidays because what if she comes over with Mom unannounced?  We don\u2019t know if YOU like it yet.  Aversion to that kind of danger is literally built into our DNA \u2013 because guys who routinely step on those domestic landmines don\u2019t procreate as often.  For obvious reasons.<\/p>\n<p>Video games aren\u2019t more interesting.  They\u2019re just safer, by which we mean \u201cless likely to impact our chances of Hey Hey later.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1208\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong>\u00a0<\/strong> <\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"LidEtquette\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   Lids up, or lids down?  Is there etiquette here?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>   This is an age-old question, and few topics more adroitly highlight the differences between the genders.  How many times did Uga turn to Ug in the back of their cave, in the dawn of time, and say \u201cDammit, you left the rock off again!\u201d  You know she did.<\/p>\n<p>Is there an etiquette to be found here?  I think so.  Speaking for my gender, I will say that we should leave the lids down.  All the time.  As a matter of course.  This adds two things to life.  First, it adds a sense of equity, since you have to lift the lid and we have to lift the lid.  Everybody lifts the lid.  It\u2019s what we do, and if we all do it, it\u2019s fair.  As long as it\u2019s not a fuzzy lid, we\u2019re all good with that.  Second, it adds the element of surprise.  If the lid\u2019s up when you walk in, you never have to guess the state of the union down there, do you?  This way, unless the nose knows, you get that excited anticipatory feeling that anything could be lurking down there, and you\u2019re about to lift that lid \u2013 with no backup, just you and the can \u2013 and find out!  Isn\u2019t it exciting?<\/p>\n<p>Oh yeah, and keeping the lid down helps keep the dog from drinking your punch bowl surprise.  You know, the dog that slobbers bit wet kisses all over you when you come home?  Why do you think that nose is so cold?   Yeah.  Lids down, folks. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1200\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong>\u00a0<\/strong> <\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Lawn\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   What is it with you and the lawn?  Why is it OK if the basement looks like a free-fire zone, but you have to cut the grass and hedges six times a month? <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>   This gets back to our roots.  Our home is our castle, our cave, a safe haven.  To protect that, deep in the recesses of our fuzzy little brains, we feel the need to project an image of strength, of determination through organization and show.  The nicer we keep our lawns, we think, the more some enemy will think, \u201cAh, better not invade that castle \u2013 he probably knows where his weapons are at all times, and keeps them near to hand!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The fact that no one thinks like that anymore has not, in fact, caught up to our collective subcortex.<\/p>\n<p>The other reason he keeps the outside neat is simple force of habit, from back when he was trying to wow potential mates with his landscaping prowess.  If he had to bring a date home, she might not want to come inside if the outside was a disorderly mess.  Once she\u2019s inside, he can just keep the lights low so she won\u2019t notice the dirt.   The lawn became a moat, and keeping it trimmed and neat helped to lower the drawbridge to Hey Hey.<\/p>\n<p>Besides, cutting the grass makes us feel like we have some control over our lives.  We don\u2019t, but we like to think that.  And hey, I\u2019m sure he was going to clean the basement Real Soon Now. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1195\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong>\u00a0<\/strong> <\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Credit\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Question:   Why do you get twice the credit and attention for doing the damn dishes than we do?  In fact, why do you get ANY credit for doing them?  Did you not eat off those? <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong>   The question is not \u201cwhy do we get credit?\u201d  You know why.  We get credit because our society has undervalued women for centuries and is only now starting to get its collective head out of its ass.  Our \u201crole\u201d has been to bring home the food \u2013 we kill it, you cook it.  Since we\u2019re seen as the great mighty providers, we then get to watch sports while you first cook our meal, then clean up after we\u2019ve made a nice, manly, testosterone-fueled mess of the feast.  If we stir a finger to help you with the cooking and cleaning &#8211; traditionally women\u2019s roles &#8211; society still Oohs and Ahhs over it.<\/p>\n<p>So the question is, why do we accept credit for it?  This is simpler \u2013 because it\u2019s there.  It\u2019s hard to resist being called wonderful for something you were going to do anyway, for something you know you should be doing as a matter of course.  Getting credit for doing our fair share as an equal partner?  It\u2019s like finding ten Hey Hey tokens while taking out the trash!  Who\u2019s not going to pick that up?  <\/p>\n<p>So, yeah, we know we don\u2019t deserve it.  Sadly, until our society stops handing out free tokens for it, most of us will take them.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1169\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong>\u00a0<\/strong> <\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Breast\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do men tend to favor one breast over the other?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Now first, we need to establish our bounds for the question. For the purposes of this ManFAQ, I\u2019m going to assume you don\u2019t mean the fact that most of us favor the left breast of, say, Angelina Jolie, over the left breast of, say, Mother Teresa \u2013 which is, I hope, self-explanatory and does not require a ManFAQ answer. You\u2019re asking, I\u2019m guessing, why one of us malodorous males might favor your left one over your right, or vice versa.<\/p>\n<p>Having thus established our bounds, not to mention establishing the fact that I probably don\u2019t have any, I will endeavor to explain this behavior. For many, it\u2019s merely a question of proximity. The Doobie Brothers were right in most of their particulars \u2013 if you can\u2019t be with the one you love, love the one you\u2019re with. If we\u2019re on one or the other side of you, guess which one we see first? Exactly. And once we start, you know, it\u2019s rude to leave the dance with someone else. Try positioning yourself differently next time and see if he doesn\u2019t switch.<\/p>\n<p>If he does, though, he might be driven by older impulses. And by older, yes, I\u2019m talking about his mother.<\/p>\n<p>(Hold on a second.) <a title=\"My Mom Reads These, Ya Know...\" href=\"http:\/\/www.tiffany.com\/Shopping\/CategoryBrowse.aspx?cid=622067&amp;mcat=148204\" target=\"_self\">Hey, Mom, look at these!<\/a><\/p>\n<p>OK. I don\u2019t care how well you cook, clean, or dress, you\u2019re still living with his mom in the dark recesses of the fuzzy little piece of pocket lint he uses for a brain. If his mom always started him on the left one, he\u2019ll never be able to remember or tell you why with his waking mind, but the lips don\u2019t forget \u2013 and it\u2019s your left one he starts with, every time, isn\u2019t it? My old buddy Sigmund, mayherestinpeace, knew better than anyone \u2013 and brother, was he ever a neurotic one. \u201cSometimes a cigar is just a cigar,\u201d my ass.<\/p>\n<p>Sorry, where was I? Oh, right, your breasts. Whoopsie. Certainly SOBUMD noticed that the kids \u201ccalled their shots\u201d while breastfeeding; one of them was on her right side, every time. Maybe the limited amount of booze SOBUMD drank back then pooled on that side, I dunno.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1094\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Older\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do some men like younger or older women?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Good question! It has to do with the age of the man in question. You see, it\u2019s a known fact that men and women are two completely different species that just happen to be mutually procreative. In most other respects, they have very little in common \u2013 and this ManFAQ stands as proof of that. In particular, their sex drives mature and adapt at wildly different rates.<\/p>\n<p>The men hit puberty in their teens, and as the testes drop they throw the engines into high gear. It\u2019s go, go, go for the next 10 years, pretty much non-stop. (If you want proof of this, find any guy between 18 and 24, open your eyes really wide and say, \u201cTell me about your muscles.\u201d It\u2019s like putting a rabbit in a tiger cage; he will stop everything he\u2019s doing and give you his undivided attention.) Once into their 30s and 40s, most men start tapering off. \u201cI\u2019ve got what you need, baby, and I\u2019m going to give it to you! Then I\u2019m going to give it to you again \u2013 maybe tomorrow, maybe Thursday, I don\u2019t know, but I\u2019m going to do it again REAL SOON now!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Right. Women, on the other hand, are often socialized into thinking about sex a lot in their early twenties (since it\u2019s thrown at them from every magazine in the checkout aisle), but studies indicate that most of them really hit their sexual stride in their late 30s or early 40s. So, the older gent who\u2019s dating a 20-something young thing has the right idea \u2013 they probably both want to have wonderful Hey Hey, maybe twice a month or so. The 22-yr-old stud, on the other hand, has just realized the cougar he caught by the tail knows more about Hey Hey than he does and can wear him out. Once she realizes that he can\u2019t carry on a conversation that involves having his clothes on, she\u2019ll probably dump him, but he won\u2019t forget.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1086\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Nosehair\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why is it OK when men go out with hair coming out their ears and nose, but we\u2019re supposed to shave our legs?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> We see our hair as a chance to remind you of our caveman days of yore, our hirsute halcyon heritage, and have you wondering if we are men or savage beasts, ready to drag you to our cave and consider some hairy Hey Hey. You, on the other hand, convince each other to shave your legs \u2013 and otherwise manage your hair \u2013 so that there will be nothing to distract one of us apes from the sight of your shapely flesh \u2013 no hair, nothing but smooth skin to remind him of Hey Hey. Needless to say, you keep doing it because it works. I think it\u2019s only fair to mention that most guys, once you\u2019re back in their caves, won\u2019t really care much if you shaved this week, or even this epoch.<\/p>\n<p>Besides, it hurts to pluck those! You know what babies we are\u2026<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1064\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Bonding\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>What\u2019s the deal with this male bonding business?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Male bonding is a euphemism for spending time in a \u201csafe\u201d area, by which we mean a time and place where none of our bad habits will negatively impact our chances of Hey Hey later, yet still allow for some kind of social interaction. We tend to pass stories, drinks, and gas while lying about how brave we are, how virile we are, and how the Cubs are sure to win the series this year.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s a chance to talk to others of our kind, either to solicit tips about Hey Hey from guys who may have had sex with actual women, or to check out the competition, in a friendly way. And by friendly, I mean drinking. And by check out, I mean finding out if you can drink more than that other guy.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s a chance to do all those things that we imagine you don\u2019t like, to be uncivilized, uncouth, and generally improper. Mind you, there\u2019s a very real possibility that you wouldn\u2019t, couldn\u2019t, and in fact don\u2019t give any kind of a damn about any of those things we do, since many are biological and biology textbooks indicate that you do many of them yourself. But we need to rebel against something, and we both know it\u2019s not going to be you, so we take a little time-out from proper society and we rebel against that, for as long as we can. You know, until we run out of beer.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1051\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Attractive\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why can\u2019t guys admit that other guys are attractive?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Oh, we can. We just won\u2019t admit it to you. The logic, if you\u2019d like to call it that, goes as follows:<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re actually talking to him. Therefore, he assumes he has a better-than-average chance of sleeping with you.<\/p>\n<p>If the topic of Other Guy comes up, the very last thing he\u2019s going to do is suggest that Other Guy might also be a good candidate for Hey Hey, with you, with him, with your Dachshund, with anyone. He\u2019d rather you thought of him as \u201cthe only guy in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Also, by conceding our attraction toward Other Guy, we worry that you might perceive us as less qualified candidates for said Hey Hey; it might lower your impression of our masculinity.<\/p>\n<p>The fact that very little of this analysis is rooted in anything close to what you experience as reality doesn\u2019t really enter his conscious mind. We all know that George Clooney is hot, and we all know that your chances of getting into bed with him are about equal to mine; i.e., approaching zero. But if your guy really can\u2019t admit that Other Guy is a good looking person, and could be his Valentine if he went that way \u2013 then yeah, he\u2019s probably pretty repressed.<\/p>\n<p>Because really, under all that angst, testosterone, and bravado, we\u2019re all about three drinks from bi.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1029\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Measuring\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>What kind of measuring tape\/ruler are you using anyway? Is there a special \u2018guy edition\u2019 that I don\u2019t know about?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Yes, of course there is. As a society, we\u2019re still dealing with units of measurement originally based on human feet, and we still measure some things in hands. Is it any wonder that most guys have \u201cissues\u201d with being able to accurately represent lengths between 4 and 6 inches?<\/p>\n<p>The best thing the metric system has going for it is that everything sounds more impressive in centimeters. Suddenly a paltry 4 can be described in double digits! No wonder the French were early adopters.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1022\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Honesty\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Is honesty the best policy in a relationship?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> The degree to which honesty the best policy in a relationship is inversely proportional to the length of the relationship. If you just met him, you should be totally honest with him, and he should be totally honest and open with you. You can\u2019t base a relationship on lies, half-truths, and slippery evasions. As my good friend Maureen the Poet told me a hundred years ago, \u201cMen are scum. Tell you they love you \u2013 THEN they come.\u201d So for beginning a relationship, aim for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but.<\/p>\n<p>But, once you have a relationship, the game changes. Is honesty the best policy all the time? Honestly, no, of course not. For example, you will sometimes ask his opinion on things that won\u2019t really be in his best interest to answer, and that you don\u2019t really want to know about \u2013 and he\u2019ll ask you the same things.<\/p>\n<p>Trust me that you really don\u2019t want to know if he thinks the new office manager is cute, or his opinion of that new dress. When he asks what you\u2019re thinking about, it\u2019s nice of you to lie and tell him you were thinking about how amazing he was the other night. We know you\u2019re really thinking about the bills, or how to get around a coding problem for the app you\u2019re writing, or whether or not you\u2019re going to have to shank that bitch across the hall if she tries to take credit for your ideas one more time \u2013 but you know he\u2019d rather hear that you\u2019re thinking of him. When he tells you he was thinking about the paint color you suggested, assume the same.<\/p>\n<p>In fact, if you ask him what he\u2019s thinking and the answer is anything other than food or sex, he\u2019s probably making it up. \u201cI was just thinking about asking your folks to visit,\u201d is probably a cover for the fact that he was thinking about a threesome with you and the new office manager.<\/p>\n<p>This lack of complete honesty is often the social lubricant that lets us live together in close quarters without generating too much friction. Besides, when you ask him what he\u2019s thinking about, the real answer is probably \u201cHuh?\u201d We don\u2019t do as much thinking as you would think.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1006\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Shopping\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do men hate shopping?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> It\u2019s not that we hate shopping. We just hate going to multiple stores and trying on multiple things and bargain hunting \u2013 we want to get in, acquire the target, and get out. It goes back to our roots as hunters \u2013 find it, kill it, drag it home and, usually, wait for you to cook it. Ug no gather. Ug hunt. There\u2019s no blood-lust in trying on six dresses, and we probably can\u2019t tell the difference anyway.<\/p>\n<p>Also, it may depend on where you\u2019re shopping. Most guys don\u2019t mind so much if you\u2019re dragging them to Nordstrom\u2019s \u2013 the people running that store understand how this works, and they\u2019ve set up \u201cguy stations\u201d in several places through the store. It\u2019s like dropping off your kids at the play area in Ikea, except you don\u2019t have to check us in and out. Big comfy chairs, sofas, and the like where we can sit and watch all the people \u2013 most of whom look like you, which is nice \u2013 or fall asleep, which is actually more likely.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=1000\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Wrapping\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do I always seem to be the one wrapping the presents at the holidays, often the night before? Why can\u2019t he help?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Let\u2019s start with giving the guy a pair of scissors. We\u2019ve reached the holidays, and he started drinking around noon, didn\u2019t he? Scissors are probably not a good idea right now.<\/p>\n<p>Even if he\u2019s sober, do you remember the last gift he \u201cwrapped\u201d for you? You thought it was from the kids at first, didn\u2019t you? Anything that requires more folding than \u201cinsert tab A in slot B\u201d is a bit beyond most guys. A cube, maybe. If you want that oddly-shaped, squishy-on-one-side plush toy boxed in a parallelogram wrapped like it was done by Santa\u2019s elf, let\u2019s face it, the guy who\u2019s still iffy on getting his tie tied straight probably can\u2019t help you there.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, he might not be able to help wrap because he\u2019s downstairs screwing together the bicycle\u2026 But he\u2019s probably asleep.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=987\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Sex\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Can men really die from a lack of sex?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Um, well. Yes. Yes they can, and there\u2019s two ways it can happen. For some guys, it\u2019s a question of release \u2013 that poison testosterone just keeps building up and building up, and pretty soon they\u2019re doing dumber and dumber things to get your attention (Hey hon, watch this!), and eventually they do something dumb enough that the testosterone comes out along with most of the blood, and they\u2019re gone.<\/p>\n<p>The other kind of guy will just sort of move along as he usually does, but you\u2019ll notice that he sags a little, like a party balloon the week after, not on the floor yet but not on the ceiling like he was when you brought him home. He\u2019s wilting, losing his vitality and his air. For him, it\u2019s not too late.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re inflatable, you see!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=982\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Illness\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why are guys such big babies when they\u2019re sick?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> This is actually pretty straightforward. It\u2019s a case of \u2026 um, hold on just a second.<\/p>\n<p>Hey Mom \u2013 <a title=\"My Mom Reads These, Ya Know...\" href=\"http:\/\/www.tiffany.com\/Shopping\/CategoryBrowse.aspx?cid=622067&amp;mcat=148204\" target=\"_self\">click over here! Shiny!<\/a><\/p>\n<p>OK. This is a straightforward Oedipal complex. Most guys turn into big blubbering babies when they\u2019re sick because they subconsciously want you to \u201cMother\u201d them like their moms did when they were young. They also wanted, as Freud so eloquently put it, to bang their moms when they were young \u2013 long before they knew what that was.<\/p>\n<p>Now, he\u2019s ill, he\u2019s regressing into his childhood, and suddenly you\u2019re about to play two roles for the price of one, because that big baby never seems to be too sick for some Hey Hey, does he? Right, I didn\u2019t think so.<\/p>\n<p>Gosh I hope she clicked that link.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=931\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Fuzzy\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> I\u2019d love to say that it\u2019s a macho thing, that fuzzy toilet seat covers seem less masculine, and we don\u2019t want other guys laughing at us when they come over and use the can.<\/p>\n<p>Because most guys don\u2019t want to admit the truth. Mostly it\u2019s a question of having a something to sit on when we\u2019re getting into or out of the shower. Now this may come as a surprise to you, but women are built differently than men. When we sit down on that thing, if it\u2019s fuzzy, it\u2019s going to tickle. This then leads to thoughts of other things that tickle our junk down there, and then we\u2019re starting to fantasize about the toilet seat cover, which is too weird even for me, and we feel like pervs. (The fact that most of us *are* pervs is beside the point, thank you very much.)<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=915\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Partname\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do most men name their private parts?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Actually, there are several reasons for this. Since the twig and berries are very often the first toy we didn\u2019t break or lose in a few weeks, we become inordinately fond of them, and name them in much the same way you would name a favorite doll. Like your doll, our toy becomes an extension (pardon me) of ourselves, and so becomes our alter ego. In extreme cases, we become the alter ego, and the main ego moves a little lower. And by \u201cextreme\u201d I mean \u201cmost of us.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In those cases, we name them because we don\u2019t want complete strangers making most of our important decisions for us.<\/p>\n<p>Another reason we name them is preemptive. If it doesn\u2019t come with a name (pardon me), you\u2019re likely to give it one \u2013 after all, once you\u2019ve been introduced to the guy making the decisions, who wouldn\u2019t want to be on a first-name basis? And so we\u2019d rather ensure it\u2019s a name we can live with, such as Mr. Happy, One-Eyed Jake, Vesuvius, or Big Richard \u2013 than worry that he\u2019ll wind up saddled with a more diminutive moniker, like Junior, \u2018Lil Buddy, Borat, or Big Softie.<\/p>\n<p>I wonder what Peter O\u2019Toole calls his?<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=906\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"FakeO\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Do men really fake orgasms?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> No. Really, no. Most of us can\u2019t, to start with. Even for those few who could, possibly, fake an orgasm, they don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s look at why orgasms are faked, outside of a film. (Inside of a film, it\u2019s too sticky to mention.) People fake an orgasm to signal, nicely, to their partner that we\u2019re done, show\u2019s over, thank you very much, the end, we\u2019re getting up now because it\u2019s time for lunch, or time to pick up the kids, or I\u2019m tired and some of us have to work in the morning. But the fireworks come at the end of the scene \u2013 if you see fireworks, that\u2019s the end. Now let\u2019s look at why a guy would do that.<\/p>\n<p>He wouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>Do you know how long it took him to get here? He\u2019s really not interested in ending this show before the grand finale. Regardless of how often you do this, in the back of what he\u2019s using for a brain right now there\u2019s a little voice that wonders how long it will be until the encore. You get no guarantees in Hey Hey land, so once we\u2019re there, we tend to stay as long as we can. (Mind you, \u201cas long as we can\u201d may only be 2-3 minutes, but still.)<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=881\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Month\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do men always assume it\u2019s that time of the month?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Statistically speaking, he\u2019s got a one in four shot at being right, and since most men will put entire paychecks down on odds worse than that, of course it\u2019s a go-to line. Second, it gives them the chance to blame something other than ourselves for you being angry \u2013 after all, thinks, he couldn\u2019t possibly have done anything to piss you off that badly, right? If he can rationalize your mood by calling it something else, then he doesn\u2019t have to change his behavior, which would probably involve getting his own beer.<\/p>\n<p>He could also just be projecting \u2013 as we know, we have our own version.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, there\u2019s also that element of flirting with danger \u2013 if he assumes it\u2019s that time of the month, and he\u2019s right, and he mentions it, he knows there\u2019s a decent chance you\u2019ll come over there and snap his neck like the weasel he is. It\u2019s an adrenaline thing, although it\u2019s not usually an inherited trait \u2013 a lot of those genes don\u2019t get passed on, if you catch my drift.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=875\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"MakeUp\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>What does it mean when men tell you that they prefer women who don\u2019t wear a lot of make up?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> For some of us, it\u2019s a time thing. We know that you could look great if you went in the bathroom and stayed there for 45 minutes doing all that stuff you do. We just don\u2019t want to wait that long \u2013 as long you look pretty good to start with. If you look like you were rode hard and put away wet, he\u2019s probably not telling you that he prefers women who don\u2019t wear a lot of make up.<\/p>\n<p>The rest of them mean that they prefer women who don\u2019t look like they\u2019re wearing a lot of makeup. Chances are, if he saw you rolling out of bed in the morning, he wouldn\u2019t recognize you. He doesn\u2019t know you spent 10 minutes putting your face on, he was probably looking at your chest. As long as you don\u2019t look like Tammy Faye Baker, you\u2019re doing it right.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=869\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"SittingAround\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do men hold their penises when they are just sitting around, watching TV, etc.?<\/em><br \/>\nStrength training. Also, mostly we do that if there\u2019s no beer. If you bring him a beer, he\u2019ll probably let go long enough to hold that instead.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=851\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Waitress\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why does the waitress always seem to give you the check?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> This is a tough one to answer, since it involves the ManFAQ trying to get into the mind of the waitress. This is not the part of the waitress that we have a lot of practice trying to get into. So, we will resort to baseless speculation.<\/p>\n<p>I have to assume that a good old fashioned waitress will think that most men are eager to pay for dinner so that they can look chivalrous and prove that they are, or can be, good providers. Of course, we want to do this because if you think we can be a good provider, you will consider us more favorably when deciding on a life-mate. Since most guys are incapable of differentiating between \u201cdeciding on a life-mate\u201d and \u201clooking for some Hey Hey later tonight,\u201d we perceive this as a right-now decision that we\u2019re hoping to influence.<\/p>\n<p>And so the waitress will look at him, look at you, and make a snap judgment about who\u2019s side she\u2019s on, and who\u2019s more likely the better tipper. She knows that by giving him the check, he will think that the waitress is trying to help attach his harness and carabineer onto the Hey Hey zipline, and he will usually pay extra for that. If the waitress herself is good looking, he\u2019ll probably tip a little extra on top of that, in case things don\u2019t work out with you.<\/p>\n<p>You, on the other hand, probably won\u2019t tip her more just for being liberated enough to hand you the check, or for looking like she\u2019s about to spill out of the silly uniform they make the waitstaff wear. So there\u2019s a good chance that she\u2019s handing him the check based on an unconscious cost-benefit analysis that tells her \u201che can pay, and he\u2019ll pay me for it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=831\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Shave\">Question:<\/a><\/strong> <em>Why do men shave and say they cleaned it up, yet there is still hair EVERYWHERE?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> This is actually a corollary to the \u201c5-second\u201d rule, which states that dirt and germs don\u2019t begin to accrue on an object until 5 seconds have gone by. Cleaning the sink involves dirt that <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">just got there<\/span>, so of course it doesn\u2019t need to be cleaned right away. We\u2019ll make a few halfhearted swipes with the other side of the tissue we just used and move on with our lives. If you leave it there long enough, we\u2019ll probably get to the rest of it.<\/p>\n<p>Also, you have to remember that our minds work like 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except with sex. You see our manly hair, it reminds you of us. You\u2019re in the bathroom, so there\u2019s a chance that you aren\u2019t fully dressed. Now you\u2019re thinking about us, and you\u2019re not fully dressed. <strong>Now<\/strong>, in our minds, you\u2019re associating \u2018thinking about us\u2019 with \u2018not being dressed\u2019, and once again, it\u2019s a zipline to the Hey Hey.<\/p>\n<p>Yes, most of us really do think like that. The idea that you\u2019d be pissed that we forgot to clean up from shaving gets washed away in a tidal wave of hormones and testosterone. The surprise you see on his face when you yell at him is genuine \u2013 you\u2019re mad because he didn\u2019t clean the sink, and in the back of his mind he\u2019s wondering why you\u2019re dressed.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=689\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Stroke\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Why do some guys insist on using the word \u201cstroke\u201d in places I wouldn\u2019t expect?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> I <strong>really<\/strong> want to ask you about places where you don\u2019t expect to be stroked, but you might figure out where I live, get through my security systems, and disarm my attack cats. So instead I\u2019ll tell you this: Guys like the word stroke because it sounds nice and masculine, all those Ks and Rs and Ss, like Strong. \u201cWhat did he die of?\u201d \u201cHe had a stroke.\u201d It sounds more manly than some wussie heart attack, anyone can die of those.<\/p>\n<p>And then there\u2019s the verb, which is (A) fun to say, (B) fun to do, and (C) more likely what you\u2019re talking about. We don\u2019t like having strokes nearly as much as we like stroking \u2013 and being stroked. Why do you think there are more teen pregnancies on crew teams than cheerleading squads? \u201cStroke!\u201d \u201cWhy, yes please!\u201d \u201cStroke!\u201d \u201cOh, cockswain?\u201d Once we\u2019ve gotten you thinking about stroking something \u2013 of yours, or of ours, and really, any part of our anatomy is pretty much fair game, we\u2019re not picky about where you start stroking \u2013 we\u2019re pretty much on the zipline to the Hey Hey. And as we know, it\u2019s all about the Hey Hey.<\/p>\n<p>Of course we have to be careful \u2013 if that actually worked, more of us would probably be having strokes!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=588\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Directions\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Why won\u2019t men read instructions, ask for directions?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> To actually pull over and ask someone where I\u2019m going is to admit, in front of you, that I\u2019m an idiot. Not to you \u2013 you know I\u2019m an idiot \u2013 but to another guy. This makes us think (deep in the id) that they\u2019ll be able to put the moves on you with their strong directional foo. Better not to risk it \u2013 besides, we still have almost a quarter tank of gas left! Plenty of time; I\u2019m sure it\u2019s just over this hill. Didn\u2019t you say you were going to bring the directions?<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=579\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Credit\">Question<\/a>: <\/strong><em>Do I give you too much credit?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> If you mean \u201cyou\u201d as in \u201cmost men\u201d then yeah, you probably do give them too much credit. And trust me, we\u2019ll take it \u2013 credit with you is like money in the Bank of Hey Hey. If you mean \u201cyou\u201d to refer to me personally, the answer is no way, baby, you know me \u2013 I <strong>totally<\/strong> meant to do that. Trust me.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=574\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"TPRoll\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Would it hurt to change the toilet paper roll and make certain the paper is coming off the roll from the top instead of the bottom? (Is that too picky?)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Yes. If your man has changed the toilet paper roll at all, you have empirical evidence that he <strong>uses<\/strong> the toilet paper. Be content.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=568\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"PMS\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Do you have your own version of PMS that makes you moody?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> See the note about why we\u2019re such adrenaline junkies. When we crash from that rush \u2013 or from sex, in that post-coital haze of dopamine and delirium \u2013 we <strong>do<\/strong> get cranky, assuming we lived through whatever we found so exciting. It\u2019s like our biorhythms, except harder to plot, less accurate, and less useful. Try chocolate or beer. Also, taking your clothes off will usually brighten our day. Showing up wearing nothing but a cold six-pack will <strong>always<\/strong> get us out of that funk!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=560\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Ego\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Does it do your ego good when women ask you to do things like opening the jar of pickles or killing the bug, which we are perfectly capable of doing ourselves, or would you rather us be self-sufficient?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Depends on proximity. If we\u2019re there already, we <strong>love<\/strong> showing off how macho we are to the gentler sex. If you want me to open the pickles or squash the bug while I\u2019m watching the game or catching a nap, please work on the self-sufficiency thing. Or at least bring it with you for me to open or kill or whatever. And why don\u2019t you grab me a beer as long as you\u2019re coming over here anyway? Thanks, hon!<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=526\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Boobs\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>When you meet a woman for the first time, seriously, what is the first thing you notice? Is it a stereotype that the first thing is really the two things below the chin and above the belt?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Depends on the size. If they\u2019re much bigger or much smaller than we expect, yeah, that\u2019s probably the first thing we see. Next your hair, again depending on size. To your credit, mostly the first thing(s) we notice are whatever you\u2019ve personally decided to highlight today. Your short skirts, high heels, purple hair highlights, nail polish, piercings, etc \u2013 it works. If today\u2019s highlight movie reel is Central Cleavage starring the Gazonga twins, by golly that\u2019s what we\u2019re going to notice. If you\u2019re trying to draw attention to part of your body, our eyes <strong>will<\/strong> go where you direct them. We\u2019re pretty trainable like that.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=512\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Shortcomings\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Why do they not admit their shortcomings? My man is so anti-Mr. Fix-it that I get insanely worried when my he gets within 20 feet of the toolbox. Just admit that you cannot do something so I can let the landlord know before you seriously break it!<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> This is the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in action. If you weren\u2019t watching, we\u2019d call someone. Or more likely, we\u2019d just leave it broken. If you didn\u2019t need it all of last night, it\u2019s probably not that important. But, since you\u2019re there, we feel that we need to remind you that we\u2019re better, more manly, more suitable as a mating partner than the maintenance guy \u2013 not just in bed, but everywhere. After all, if he tried doing my job, he\u2019d get fired and probably sued, or killed. But we could do <strong>his<\/strong> job, you betcha. \u201cHey ya\u2019ll, watch this!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The best part of this is the look on our faces when we give in, admit that we\u2019re not going to get around to whatever that is \u2013 not that we <strong>couldn\u2019t<\/strong>, mind you, we\u2019re just too busy \u2013 and when the professional comes to make it all better, it\u2019s a woman. Most of us just totally short-circuit, particularly if she\u2019s cute.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=472\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Clutter\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>I want to know if the ability to relax amid clutter and dust is acquired or inborn. If acquired, how can women cultivate it\u2026i.e. is there a 10-step program? Seriously, I would absolutely love to perfect my skill in this area. I think out of level 1 to 10 I\u2019m at about a 6, and it isn\u2019t enough. I want to achieve real man status on this one.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> First, you need to drink more. No no, more than that. Make yourself a good Cosmo and splash some around \u2013 you\u2019ll need a \u201cstarter mess\u201d to get used to. Then find yourself some good chocolate; you know you deserve it. OK, deep breath, now exhale. Put the wrapper on the floor. Just drop it. Deep cleansing breath, the first step can be the hardest. Just let the wrapper fall. Let it go.<\/p>\n<p>Someone else will pick it up eventually; that someone else might even be you, several hours from now, but that person\u2019s not here yet. Did you just finish that Cosmo? Have another drink. Good. Now, find a nice comfy chair where you can still see that candy bar wrapper on the floor. Sit down, eat the chocolate. Mmmmmmmmmm, it\u2019s good, isn\u2019t it? You\u2019re going to relax for a moment, just eating the chocolate, taunting that mess over there with it. You\u2019re getting the hang of this! Now remember, if anyone walks in, you were just in the middle of cleaning up. Literally in the middle of cleaning. You were just taking a break for a minute. You were going to get to back to it real soon.<\/p>\n<p>Mmmmm, chocolate.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=460\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Hamper\">Question<\/a>: <\/strong><em>Why can\u2019t you put the clothes IN the hamper? You can sure throw them on the floor NEXT to it \u2013 what is the aversion to IN the hamper?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> There\u2019s no glory, no incentive. If you put a backboard on it, he\u2019ll try harder \u2013 no man can resist taking a fadeaway jockstrap jump-shot as he\u2019s skinnying out of his skivvies. Mind you, we\u2019re not all Michael Jordan \u2013 but the percentage of clothes in the hamper versus next to it will go up if there\u2019s a backboard.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=458\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Underwear\">Question<\/a>: <\/strong><em>Why do you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor after taking a shower? Do you think I have nothing better to do than pick up after you?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Your second question could have ended at the third word, and the answer would still be a resounding NO. He just got out of the shower, and he\u2019s naked. Naked men do *very* little thinking.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=458\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Adrenaline\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Why are men such adrenaline junkies?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Ah, a TOUGH question. Why is it that the two most common sets of \u201clast words\u201d that men say just before they die are \u201coh shit\u201d and, running a close second, \u201cHey ya\u2019ll, watch this!\u201d In large part, this is showmanship. It\u2019s not just the chemical adrenaline rush \u2013 although that\u2019s a big part of it.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s the audience. If you weren\u2019t watching, we\u2019d probably be content to scratch our balls and look at something shiny on television. But we know you or someone like you will be looking, or it might be another guy watching. If it\u2019s you, we want you to see how tough, how brave we are \u2013 something deep in our genetic code thinks you\u2019ll be impressed, and the other guys intimidated. Never mind that quit working about 8,000 years ago. (Well, it quit working on women. Most guys are still intimidated when we see another guy do something <strong>really<\/strong> crazy and live through it.)<\/p>\n<p>Then, once you\u2019ve done it, you find out what a great rush it is. Like most drugs, you need more to reach that high a second time, so you have to do something <strong>crazier<\/strong>! This is why the most hard core adrenaline junkies don\u2019t breed often \u2013 they crash into something before they impress enough women.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=456\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong><a name=\"Shower\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> Why do men have to wring out their penis after a shower? Does it really suck up water like a sponge?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Nope. We only do that when you\u2019re looking, just to make sure you\u2019re thinking about it. \u201cHey, hey, look what I found!\u201d only works once, twice if we\u2019re lucky \u2013 this way you\u2019re wondering about the one part of our bodies we *want* you wondering about most of the day. Call it an investment.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=451\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong><a name=\"Pants\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> Why do they keep their hands in their pants in public?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Again, we only do that when you\u2019re looking, so you\u2019ll think about sex more often. Most of us would just hang it out there, but you keep calling the police.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=451\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong><a name=\"Searching\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>I have always wondered how is it that when looking for something, men can never seem to find it? Why don\u2019t they actually move other items to look for whatever it is they are seeking? My man did this at least 3 times this weekend! I would walk over, move 1 piece of paper and there it is! Shocking!<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> As one of the great imponderables, this has been vexing the gentler gender for ages. Some ascribe it to \u201cMale Searching Syndrome,\u201d which provides a name but not an answer, and some assume arrogance \u2013 the expectation that a man\u2019s needs should be served at every moment in time. The Bottom Line: If he can\u2019t find your G-Spot when he\u2019s laying right on top of you, why would you think he can find anything else?<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=438\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Bed\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Do you talk to your friends about what we do in bed? (answer at your own risk).<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> If the subject comes up at all, you can be assured that we don\u2019t tell the truth. Since we all know that none of us are going to tell the truth on the topic, mostly it doesn\u2019t come up.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=415\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong><a name=\"Married\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Are you glad you got married or do you miss the single life sometimes? <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> There is a myth that married men don\u2019t have sex as often as single men. This is a myth that married men perpetuate to keep single men from poaching their wives. There are no good reasons to be single.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=415\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong><a name=\"Inopportune\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Why do they always want sex at the most inopportune times? e.g.,\u2026when I\u2019m getting ready for work\/appt\u2026etc. He has 12 other hours of the day to want some but only gets horny when I\u2019m getting ready to leave?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> If by \u201cinopportune\u201d you mean \u201cwhen you\u2019re changing clothes,\u201d I suggest you read your question again, tilting your head to the side this time. He doesn\u2019t get horny when you\u2019re leaving; he gets horny when he sees you half naked. So do several other guys \u2013 fix your blinds.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=415\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Compliment\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>I would like to know the percentage of times a man gives a woman a compliment because he means it, versus the percentage of times he gives the compliment hoping for hey-hey later. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> It\u2019s actually an inverse relationship to how deserved the compliment is. If you\u2019re ugly, he probably means it. If you cause traffic accidents just by crossing the street, it\u2019s all about the hey-hey.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ Hey Hey\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=412\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><a name=\"Diaper\">Question<\/a>:<\/strong> <em>Why can\u2019t you change the baby\u2019s diaper without me asking you to? You can smell that noxiousness as easily as I can \u2013 even commenting \u201cPee-u, you stink girl\u201d \u2013 but not change it?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Answer:<\/strong> Men are from Mars, and you should smell the air there. You\u2019ve noticed that when we tilt cheek, all the guys laugh and all the girls leave? We know she stinks. She smells like we do most of the time. It\u2019s one of the evolutionary traits that reminds us she\u2019s part of our tribe. We don\u2019t change them because it doesn\u2019t bother us until long after it\u2019s bothered you.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"#PageTop\">Back to top<\/a> \u2013 &#8211; \u2013 <a title=\"Man FAQ\" href=\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=398\">See Original Post\/Comments<\/a><\/p>\n<hr size=\"2\" \/><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Between 18 June 2010 and 30 December 2011, Friday meant answer time here at the ManFAQ, and there got to be enough questions asked that the FAQ needed its own page. I\u2019ve kept the following 82 questions that women have asked me about men over the years, and as part of my parole agreement a [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1101"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1101"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1101\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1105,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1101\/revisions\/1105"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1101"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}