Posts tagged ‘road trip’

Lost River Weekend

26 October, 2011 | | No Comment

So once again there we were, staring down the barrel of the weekend with no ammunition and insufficient beer.  This past weekend started, as they all do, on the Friday beforehand, when at nearly 1pm I got a text from SOBUMD requesting that I leave the office early and pick up the kids from school.  Since this is a highly unusual request, and since the words “yes dear” have saved my marriage more than once, I of course complied.  It turns out that she’d been to a local Trader Joe’s to pick up ingredients for the evening’s meal, and they had more than the usual display of cinnamon-scented everything – not just as you walk in, but throughout several aisles and at each register. 

Since SOBUMD is highly allergic to cinnamon, this lead to her fighting her way home in a headachy blur and slamming several Benadryl, which is not conducive to holding one’s head upright without a drool-cloth, much less driving.  I retrieved said lunatic children and proceeded to make dinner with our friends Sara and Toby, who arrived full of good spirit and left full of good spirit and also fish.  Wonderful evenings are wonderful, and getting to show off my badass cooking skills to an interested 11-yr old Toby was a treat. 

The next morning dawned with the promise of the girls going to a birthday party for a 5-yr-old and then the Human Tape Recorder having 2 friends over for fun, dinner, and a sleepover.  Number One Son and I looked at each other, counted the number of girls in the house, gave a nod, and packed our overnight bags – by which I meant a change of clothes, and he meant his iPod. 

We lit out for the House in the Woods, up in West Virginia.  I have to tell you, driving the Blackfish up the hills and curvy, winding, newly-paved roads, with the windows down, on beautiful fall day, with Katy Perry telling me that I’m her missing puzzle piece – well, I think I understand why some people ride motorcycles.  I was very well behaved.  I mostly almost kept it under 70 going around the turns. 

Once we arrived and unpacked, we worked the fields for a while, evicting the black walnuts like tenants from a – OK, that wasn’t really going to be all that funny anyway.  We removed them from the path of the mower, since they otherwise sound like golf balls going through a shredder when the Very Clever Grandpa mows.  I mentioned that the riding mower is about the only way to open the damn things anyway; he mentioned that he didn’t want to open them in the first place; I mentioned that they were yummy and bitter and yummy; he mentioned that shut up and toss ’em in the creek.  I tossed ’em in the creek. 

Following the successful castration of the lawn, we enjoyed a celebratory cold beverage and did inside things for a while.  Once complete, we retired to a new venue for dinner in the neighborhood, by which I mean “places you can get to within 45 minutes in a fast car.”  Needless to say, we took the Blackfish and got to the Lost River Brewing Company in 44 minutes. 

Lost River Brewing Company – not to be confused with the already-famous Lost River Grill – is not yet allowed to brew their own beer.  If the food is any indication, this is a crime.  The Very Clever Grandfather and I both had steak with fries, very nice if slightly past medium rare; Number One Son declared his cheesepuck the equal of the Lost River Grill version; and the Cesar salad was interesting – standard fare until they dropped two anchovies right on top.  The jaw-dropper, though, was the plate of fried calamari.  Remember, this is Wardensville, West By God Virginia.  To say that “calamari ain’t local here” would be to risk understatement in the way “that’s a really big hole you got there” describes the Grand Canyon.  My expectations were not, shall we say, high. 

And they were blown away.  The calamari were as good as any I’ve had at McCormick and Shmicks and better than I’ve had at Legal Seafood.  Someone in the back of the Lost River Brewing Company is paying attention, and in a good way.  I hope they get their brewing license soon!

The kitchen staff may be paying attention, but the front office makes me wonder a bit.  Our waitress, dusky-eyed with a squint and a smile, was wearing a black tee-shirt with the words “Take Me Home.”  The rest of the wait-staff were also wearing black shirts with other lines from “Almost Heaven, West Virginia” – I can only assume that our friendly server drew the short straw that night.  Why would you do that to a cute young lady?  West Virginia gets a lot of miles out of that song, but still – you know she has to get heckled pretty badly with “Take Me Home” across her chest. 

Although, we had to remind her which wine was the red and which was the white (Cabernet is one of the easier ones to remember), and she slipped on the beer order as well – maybe she’s just very friendly and not too quick?  She was very nice.  But we didn’t take her home.

The next day we did come home, down country roads, at speeds that would be considered unsafe if not attempted by professional drivers on a closed course.  Since we’d spent the morning splitting logs that would not have otherwise split themselves, I found driving to be a fine course of therapy for sore muscles, and applied it vigorously.  The Very Clever Grandparents joined us for another excellent dinner, and the Lost Weekend was found to have been Almost Heaven.

The Once and Future Huntsville

23 September, 2011 | | 4 Comments

So there I was in Huntsville Alabama again. 

I know that’s not really fair, since I didn’t write up my last trip to Huntsville.  Think of it as having been a scouting expedition.  For what, you ask?  Why, pig, of course!

So here I am, doing what I always do in Huntsville, which is finding new and wonderful places to eat pulled pig.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have to go to meetings and stuff too, but I really just come here to eat.   Last time I was here, I was introduced to Dreamland Barbeque.  It wasn’t just good – it’s the second best pulled pork I’ve ever had in my life, and the place where I had the best pig (in Florida, of all places) isn’t there anymore.   Dreamland was good enough that I bought the tee-shirt. 

I’m going to pause in my narrative before we get to the food, though, to say a few words about Huntsville.  In Huntsville, I found people not only polite – please, thank you, and they tend not to interrupt you, nor one another – but also proud. 

Saturn V Rocket

Saturn V Rocket Standing Tall

The town was called Rocket City USA back in its heyday, and the people here remember that.  They helped put man on the moon, testing the Apollo systems and building the Saturn series of rockets – driving down the highway from the airport, this goes from noticeable to inescapable when you pass a Saturn V rocket standing sentinel by the road.  It’s an enormous monument to the engineering history of a world, a nation, and this town in particular.  Reflected in the people I met was an underlying sense that they’d been part of something greater than themselves once, and they’d like to do it again – with a quiet reserved understanding that lightning does not tend to hit in the same place twice.  Not that nothing’s happening there now, but you have the sense that it’s a town standing capable and ready, hoping to be called back into action if the US ever gets its space program back in high gear. 

They also tend to be more liberal in outlook than I confess I expected; I find the drive-through condom store to be a case in point.  I nearly drove through myself, just to check the going rate, but SOBUMD and I have been married so long that I can’t remember which elbow the condom goes on.  Besides, I was saving my money for pig. 

I wore that Dreamland tee-shirt while flying back to Huntsville this time, and I had no fewer than eight people comment on it – and the Hat, of course, but for a change the Hat took second billing.  Many told me that I needed to go to the original Dreamland, which is in Tuscaloosa.  That being a bit of a hike from Huntsville, the other place I was told to try – by several folks – was Big Bob Gibson’s, across the water in Decatur, Alabama. 

Sunday night, however, was Wintzell’s Oyster House, which was recommended by dint of it being walking distance from my hotel, plus the front desk gave me a coupon.  I dined under the watchful eye and tender care of the delightful and helpful Becca, who told me that despite being an Oyster joint, they had a fantastic Ribeye.  Since I can get a fantastic Ribeye lotsa places, up to and including my house, I stuck with the seafood – fried alligator, fried whitefish, fried crab claws, fried hushpuppies, fried shrimp, fried crab, and oh yeah, oysters.  Fried.  The beer was very good, a local IPA, and the seafood gumbo (which was not, in fact, fried) was one of the best I’ve ever had.  Also in the category of ‘best I’ve ever had’ were the green beans – you simply cannot get green beans cooked like that in the Northern climate, probably because we lack the bacon of our convictions.

Becca also told me that I had to go to Thomas Pit if I wanted really good pig – and when was the last time your check from your waitress included directions to another restaurant?  She used to live behind Thomas Pit and grew up with the smell.  I made a note of it, thanked her, and made my slow way to my hotel, 60 feet away.  By the time I got back to the room, I was pretty fried myself.   

Bathroom Attendant at Greenbrier Restaurant

Bathroom Attendant at Greenbrier Restaurant

On Monday for lunch, on the advice of Good Jim Coleman, I found – in the fullness of time, after driving right past it twice – the Old Greenbrier Restaurant, which boasts a bathroom attendant, great sweet potatoes, and wi-fi.  There’s a big sign as you walk in:  “Try our Sweet Potaters and Wi-Fi!”  It does sound like a hell of a combo meal, but as we know, I came for the pig.  The nice young lady who waved me in set a large basket of fried hushpuppies on the table by way of saying hello; this could have been a meal by itself, and I mean for a family of four.  Their pulled pig plate – and I will have you know that I ordered a “small” – came out with a baked sweet potato the size of my fist (I never did get around to trying the wi-fi), a side of passable cole slaw, and nearly a pound of pig.  They have their own vinegar-based hot sauce; the good news was that it was delightful.  The less good news is that the pig needed it – the flavor was excellent and well smoked, but it was dry enough that the sauce was a blessing.  I have to guess that the pig is probably less dry on a Saturday night. 

Mom's Place

Mom's Place

Leaving Greenbrier I realized that there are, in fact, quite a lot of choices in dining out here – I drove past Mom’s Place, which (unlike in the DC area) doesn’t stand for anything, except insomuch as I’m sure Mom’s stands for a decent lunch and won’t stand for anything less.  If there had been less than a pound of pig on my recent plate, I might have stopped out of curiosity.

Dreamland, Sitting At the Rail of Goodness

Dreamland, Sitting At the Rail of Goodness

Monday’s dinner and Tuesday’s lunch were both at Dreamland, and yes, it’s that good.   We sat in front of the rail – that would be the rail that separates the diners from the fire over which your dinner is cooking, or had been cooking for the previous 8 or 12 hours.   We got to watch one of the pit men throwing hickory logs the size of my leg on the fire.  This is living! 

Tuesday dinner was Big Bob Gibson’s in Decatur.  It turns out they don’t focus on ambiance, atmosphere, anything but pig. It was good pig, with sauce that went from good to great to fantastic with the white, bbq, and vinegar sauce, in that order.  The ribs were falling of the bone and completely off the hook – they win for ribs, hands down. 


At Dreamland, the motto is “Ain’t Nothin’ Like ‘Em Nowhere” – and they mean it.  They have decor, including a road sign hung in the men’s room stating “No Dumping Allowed.”   The Greenbrier restaurant seems to have a motto on the order of “we’re as surprised as you are” – which makes some sense, considering the signs in the place have signs on them, most mentioning that these were the original signs put up when the place opened in 1952.  Plus, you know, they have a bathroom attendant. 

Big Bob Gibson’s might have a motto.  If so, I suspect that it says “Big Bob Gibson’s wins BBQ awards.”  The closest thing to a cute sign in the men’s room was a pamphlet on the urinal stating that I was special to someone, and urging me to consider letting Christ in to my heart.  Since my heart was not what I was holding at the time, I left the pamphlet there. 

They have no beer, no pictures, and no TV – not that that last one is a loss, but it did confirm that going elsewhere for dinner and Monday Night Football for the boss the night before had been a really good idea.  I finally put my somewhat greasy, sticky finger on what was lacking:  They had no sense of humor.  There was no banter, there were no smiles.  It could have been a soul food joint, but it lacked soul.  The food really is that good, but you have to be able to smile.  I won’t be back. 

Since there was no laughter, on the way back we made our own, starting with what I’m reliably told is an old and famous furniture store, regrettably named Badcock.  You have to assume that’s a family name – what exactly do you name your sons there?  “Really”?  “Gotta”?   This lasted until we passed “Cumming’s Aeronauticals,” whereupon the remainder of the ride devolved into riffs concerning marriage between these two noble houses – “Mrs. Sawyer Badcock-Cumming, from Afar, AL” being the culmination of about 12 minutes and 8 miles worth of effort. 

There being only one way to clear away the gutter of our minds at this point, we stepped into the bar at the hotel to quench our prodigious thirsts and listen to bad Karaoke being sung badly by people who might once have known better, but for whom, by now, all hope had fled, taking with it their dignity, honor, and sense of pitch.  Since I walked in with none of those things to start with, I was glad to leave before finding Katy Perry’s Last Friday Night on the list.  SOBUMD, when hearing of this, remarked that “at least it would have been short.”  When asked to clarify, she confessed she meant my career, had I sung that – or anything else – for my boss and co-workers.   Ah, fame is such a fleeting, fickle bitch…

Wednesday meetings were early and reasonably quick, and I decided to venture out before finding the airport.  Having no particular destination, and being on my own recognizance, I started out toward the historic part of downtown Huntsville.  I’d been driving all of 8 minutes when a white utility van with some kind of company logo passed me on my right.  I stayed behind him for a few minutes before my brain kicked in and read the name, which was “Smokey’s B-B-Q” over a pair of crossed burning logs.  “Call us for catering!”  Mind you, this was just after noon local time.

Like my close personal friend Dirk Gently, I do not always arrive at my originally intended destination, but I find I usually end up where I need to be.   “Self,” said I, “Follow that van!”  I decided he was probably driving back from dropping off someone’s yummy porcine lunch, and even if he was on the way to drop said lunch off, he had to drive back sometime – and besides, he had Alabama plates.  It couldn’t be that far, right?

It wasn’t that far, but he stopped in front of a Restaurant Supply Store.  When he got out, I explained that I was an itinerant migratory lifeform with a tropism for pulled pork, and he gave me a brochure and apologized for not having any with him so he could give me a sample.  He also gave me directions, and I was right – Smokey’s is local, for reasonable definitions of local.  The directions sounded somewhat familiar, and in a moment got to the words, “You’ll see Thomas Pit on the left, and we’re about three blocks past that.”

Clearly, this was a sign, further oracular intervention from the Road Gods – two people in the food business mentioning Thomas Pit.  The quest was on!  I drove, first, to Smokey’s – as on any quest, certain rules and niceties must be followed, conventions adhered to, if one is to win though to one’s prize. 

Smokey's Takes Umbridge at Being Called Hapless

Smokey's Takes Umbridge at Being Called Hapless

Smokey’s is a walk-up/drive though in Madison, and a copy of the Decatur Daily newspaper was on the wall, highlighted.  Evidently someone there ran a somewhat inadvisable story about how the good, upstanding, and humorless people of Decatur were clearly beloved in heaven since they got to eat at the award-winning Big Bob Gibson’s, while the “hapless people of Madison have to settle for something called Smokey’s.”  That’s a direct quote.  The note included the paper’s phone number for the editorial desk (888-353-4612, if you’re so inclined) and exhorted Smokey’s eaters to give the Decatur Daily a piece of their mind, if not a piece of their pig.   I got the smallest plate of pig I could, and tried it both with and without the sauces – note that the Smokey’s motto is “The Difference is the Sauce!”  The pig was good, with pink smoke lines, nice flavor and texture, on solid par with Big Bob’s and comparing well with Dreamland (although not quite that good) and the hotter of the sauces was the better.  Better hapless than humorless, Decatur.  I thanked them and rolled down the road a short pace to the aforementioned Thomas Pit.

Becca was right. With sauce or without, Thomas Pit has the best pulled pork I’ve ever had. They’ve been doing this since 1932; I guess they’ve got good at it. The place is small and decked out with Western and Texas theme decor, also from 1932 by the looks of it.  I think.  I couldn’t look away from my plate for long – someone might steal my pig!  They have a vinegar hot sauce that is perfectly adequate and wholly unneeded.  This pig needs no adornment.  It’s melt-in-your-mouth pulled pig.  It’s a hot pile of pig that melts in your mouth after exploding with flavor all over your tongue like a razorback hog bursting from a pen toward a feed trough.  Wow.  I have a new number one – that place in Florida, just over the bridge from Amelia Island, isn’t there anymore anyway, and it was only almost this good.  They must have some kind of rub on that pig.

Wow. Thank you Becca!  Thank you dude from Smokey’s!  Thank you to the Road Gods, and to foodies everywhere!

Thomas Pit's Smokehouse

Thomas Pit's Smokehouse

As I drove away around the back, I saw the smoke house and snapped this picture, which does not do justice to the smoke or the smell – you can’t see it very well, but the chimney has flames shooting from it; smoke was seeping out everywhere.  As I watched in rapturous awe, an old pit man stepped out of the door to wipe his brow.  He was sweating like a – he was sweating a LOT.  He looked old enough to be Thomas – there are natural properties of pulled pig and smoke that will preserve a man from 1932 until today – but I suppose probably wasn’t.  I gave him the thumbs up and the shouted superlatives of my assessment and he grinned to the extent he could and said, just like in the movies, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear!” 

I will, Mr. Thomas.  I will. 


Driving at the Speed of Summer

19 September, 2011 | | 7 Comments

We drove out to the Very Clever Grandparents’ House in the Woods a few weeks ago, in a valiant effort to cram in one last bit of summer before school started and we all went back to work.  On the drive out, we were passed on the left by a nice-looking woman with long blonde hair who was simultaneously driving a Lexus and eating a banana. I decided that this, surely, was an omen, a sign from the Road Gods auguring a good trip, safe roads, and potassium. 

The number one thing that Number One Son wanted to do at the House in the Woods was go to the Lost River Grill, about which I’ve already written.  He has made up his mind that at the Lost River Grill, you can get the World’s Best Cheesepuck. (I’ve had to apologize to any number of waiters and waitresses about that; he got it from me, and I’ve been unable to dissuade him from the idea that most people say “Cheeseburger.”)  He maintains that the Lost River’s Cheesepuck is better than Johnny Rockets, BGR, and McDonald’s combined. 

Sometimes the only thing between a good time and a great time is a decent cheeseburger.  Without much fuss or ado, the girls all went to the lake for a nice long swim, and the Father of the BUMD (FOBUMD) and I took Number One Son to the Grill – our dinner plans were marinating at the house, but lunch was up for grabs.  Number One Son decided that, last time he’d been there, he’d ordered his Cheesepuck “medium” and that this time, he was really thinking of ordering it “large.”

After I finished choking on my beer, I had to break it to him that they were all the same size, and that the designation was in how he liked the meat cooked.  He stuck with medium, and the Very Clever Grandpa and I stuck with beer.

Once back to the house, we saw deer, birds, and spiders, but we didn’t see any gnats.  They saw me, though, and they told all their friends.  “Look, the fat one’s coming out of the house again!  Quick, tell Bob and all five thousand kids!”  The gnats were such a topic of consternation and conversation that when FOBUMD, who follows baseball and lives in DC, mentioned that the Nats had won a game, the Reigning Queen of Pink turned around and said,  “I guess they beat the Mosquitoes!”  Sounds about right, actually.

The life and times of the insect population was, in fact, a major topic.  Listening to the cicadas singing their hearts out in the screen porch; The Very Clever Grandmother wondered if they were talking to each other, and if so what they were saying. 

So I told her, because I am The Cicada Whisperer.  I can translate those chirps, no problem.  They’re all saying, “Fuck me!  Fuck me!  Fuck me!”   Trust me on this – Hey Hey is the number one topic in the insect world, with food running a close second, and not becoming food a distant third.  It’s a lot like prime time television.

The ride back home recalled the returns from the summer’s earlier road trips, in particular driving back from the Jersey Shore.  The local signs and scenes through rural West Virginia and Maryland made me wonder about the contrast between that drive and the hike through the rural wastes of New Jersey.  Coming home from down the shore, we drove through miles of farmland and scrub pines, where the only signs for miles around were advertising Italian restaurants and Gentlemen’s Clubs.  Now, the entire area for about 80 miles around looks to have a population of maybe 100 people, tops.  Outside of the Eyetalian Kountry Kitchen (“Good Vittles!”), the “We’re Rockin It” Gentleman’s club, the “Sensations” Gentleman’s club, and the world’s oldest Texaco (they have a pump marked “Leaded” that I hope was just for show), there was the First National Bank of Elmer, and not a whole lot else.  How many Italian restaurants and gents clubs can these places support?  At some point, it becomes a statistical certainty that you’re going to see your sister, daughter, cousin, or wife dancing on one of those poles after serving you tonight’s lasagna special. 

So what’s so different about the rural parts of WVa and Maryland?  More hills?  Fewer Italians?  Is there a pole-dancing shortage out there?  Are parts of the country just a little closer to the insect population, with the number one interests being Hey Hey and food? 

As we arrived home, my ruminations on this road sign dichotomy came to an end, as did the summer – and in much the same fashion:  “Oh my god, we’re here already?  How did we get here so fast?”  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a Lexus go by as we pulled up, and I knew the banana had only been the start.  It was a good trip, even if it did go by with the speed of summer.

Wedding Road Trip, Part 5: Rolling Home

28 August, 2011 | | 5 Comments

For those of you just joining:  We’re driving to and from Chicago for my cousin’s wedding.  No, my other cousin.  Also, there will be no weather in this narrative.  The weather was fine, with only a few embarrassed clouds.  For the purposes of our driving descriptions, you should feel free to fill in whatever weather you prefer.  I’ll try to remind you where to fill them in, for those of you who require a little climate control in your narrative.  We resume our story on Monday morning, having married off my cousin and feted the 9th Birthday of the Reigning Queen of Pink over the weekend.  Wheels up.

Breakfast At Tiffany's?

Breakfast At Tiffany's?

I woke to the sound of gunfire, which I was getting used to at that point – it turns out Katy Perry was staying in our hotel, and she doesn’t limit the festivities to just Friday night.  Since we needed to get up anyway, this wasn’t an altogether bad thing.  We decided that the best part of the day was going to be over too soon, so we loaded the car, the kids, and Marvin the Martian and rolled out promptly – even skipping a chance to have breakfast at Tiffany’s, and when was the last time you got to do that, huh?

Road Trip Self Portrait

Road Trip Self Portrait

So we made the car go lightly down the road, spinning nature’s panoply of paintbrushes faster and faster under our tires, and made for the impending hurricane on the East Coast like a man tired of waiting on death row – not exactly thrilled with the destination, but ready to be done already.  Illinois quickly became Indiana, which gradually became Ohio.  Mind you, it would have become Ohio much faster had SOBUMD not taken a well-deserved nap while I drove us a good way toward Canada.  Luckily she’s a light sleeper and woke up before we crossed the border, steering me back toward the heartland. 

Not wanting to miss a chance to hear Katy Perry, we kept spinning the radio dial as one station would fade out and another fade in.  Local radio is a little more local in the heartland.  Lost dogs were described with their breed and the date and location where they were found; the report ended with “and Bob, ol’ Roscoe got out again, Mavis says come get him before she sells him to them girls from Sturgis who thought he was so cute.”

There being nothing like revisiting our misspent youth, we stopped for lunch at an Eat-n-Park in Nowhere, Ohio, which is just outside Youngstown.  The waitress obviously interned at an Olive Garden, because she stopped at every table with a baby, picked them up, and passed them around.  It was adorable, in a small, round, and talcum-powered kind of way.  Eat-n-Park has retired Sparkle, their evil Eat-n-Park star former mascot, and seems to have re-imagined their smiley-faced cookie as the Silver Surfer – a little freaky, really.  The food is just like I remember it, sad to say. 

See-Thru Barn!

See-Thru Barn!

We continued to roll through Ohio for the several hours one does that.  Eventually, following one of the many “What state are we in?” queries, Number One Son piped up.  “You know, this nation is e-mother-effing-normous.  And so’s Ohio.”  Can’t argue with him there. 

Phallic Symbols

Phallic Symbols

Another thing you’ll notice driving across America that’s less obvious when flying the the country’s fascination with phallic symbols.  Sure, the airport has an air traffic control tower that’s straight up with a knob on the top, but have you seen the grain silos we use?  Tell me you don’t think about the Washington Monument when you see those.  Is it just me?

And then there’s the Turnpike.  Taking the Pennsylvania Turnpike is a joy.  There are signed every few miles stating “Fines higher in work zones,” by which they mean the Pennsylvania Turnpike.  The whole damn thing.  The view is also an issue – it was so boring that I fell asleep and had to have SOBUMD drive it.  Luckily, she was able to stay awake by listening to the radio, which was playing Katy Perry’s Last Friday Night. 

Road Trip Sunset Over Sidling Hill

Road Trip Sunset Over Sidling Hill

But Pennsylvania does roll into Maryland, and the sun does set faster on trips going East, and in the fullness of time we reached the construction zone fun ride that is the US Capitol Beltway.  Just as we turned off I-270 and went to merge onto the Beltway, I spotted the sign:  “You must be at least this tall to ride this ride.”  The Reigning Queen of Pink was again disappointed with the height restrictions.  SOBUMD did the dodging and weaving needed to make the trip safe and fun, and we approached the final exit – our exit – at 75 mhp in heavy traffic.  We passed the penultimate off-ramp, only then seeing the newest sign for the ride:  “Your Road Westbound Exit Closed 9pm – 5am”

After driving 13 hours, we’d missed the chance at our exit by 5 minutes. 

As we navigated an alternate route, there was plenty of time for blamestorming.  SOBUMD decided those 5 minutes were spent with me trying to drive to Canada.  I maintained that those 5 minutes were actually consumed by our carrying the extra weight of Marvin the Martian slowing down the car.  By the time we got home, we had decided that it was probably Katy Perry’s fault. 

The car was unloaded, the cats were out of their mind with joy at seeing us, and the next day the earth shook.  Again, sorry about that. 

So congratulations to my Cousin Drew and my new Cousin Rachel, great partners in crime!  It was a great trip made all the better for meeting new family, seeing old family, and rolling through the heartland with both. 

Thank you all for helping us get there and, once again, back again.  Rock on.

Wedding Road Trip, Part 3: Of Bullets and Brides

26 August, 2011 | | No Comment

For those of you just joining:  We’re driving to Chicago for my cousin’s wedding.  No, my other cousin.  Also, there will be no weather in this narrative.  The weather was fine, with only a few embarrassed clouds.  For the purposes of our driving descriptions, you should feel free to fill in whatever weather you prefer.  I’ll try to remind you where to fill them in, for those of you who require a little climate control in your narrative.  We resume our story on Saturday morning, as we prepare for the wedding later that afternoon.

Saturday dawned ugly, which wouldn’t be an issue except for the part where the wedding was to be held outside at 4:30 in the afternoon.  We headed into the city and waited out the storm visiting with friends.  After eating more than any five people can or should before noon, we made our fond farewells and headed back to get ready.  Once ready, we drove to the wedding – which while not actually in Wyoming, it could have been, based on the distance.  Also, once we found it, it was next to a Wild West Rodeo and Kids Ranch, which lent some credence to the idea that we were, in fact, in Wyoming, just north of Cheyenne.  We weren’t, but it was far enough away from Chicago that we had to pipe in our own Katy Perry songs.

The wedding was set up to be outside on a covered porch on the back of the reception hall, which looked out onto a vast, beautiful, and likely still very wet lawn, open on three sides.  The guests took their chairs, the music started, and Number One Son started to slowly go crazy in his seat – he hates insects, and he’s not wild about being outdoors at all.  I handed him my hat, in the hopes that it would distract him and allow him to fan away the occasional fly – and there were a few, but not enough to make anyone other than him really notice.  He grabbed the hat and shut his mouth, which was all I was really after, and we proceeded to watch the bridal party come down the aisle, the men in their finest new sneakers, the ladies in heels high enough to be illegal in other states, and all of them looking great.

We got the groom down the aisle, the bride and her father down the aisle, and the bride’s hand given to said groom, and the pastor began to speak of the wonders of married life.  He talked about marrying your best friend, about keeping your relationship new, and about two lives becoming one.  He talked about uniting this couple in the light of Jesus.

That’s when the shooting started.

The gunshots came from over on the bride’s side, and we all jumped and looked as we listened to multiple shots fired from at least two guns, a .45 and .38 by the sound of them, and then a third that might have been a shotgun.  After a brief interlude of about 30 or 40 rounds in about 20 seconds, there was a moment of silence, into which the pastor looked off toward the Wild West Rodeo and Kids Ranch encampment, bowed his head solemnly, and intoned, “I think they got him.”

The bride and groom wrote their own vows, which were beautiful and luckily did not include any of my advice for same. (“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of wife of the BUMD’s cousin Drew, and will, to the best of my ability, love him and keep him fed and watered.”)  During the remainder of the service and ceremony, we heard continual, albeit random, gunplay from the other side.  SOBUMD’s reaction to hearing the shots and bangs was to assume that god had realized I was in something like a church – let’s just say the empirical evidence is on her side and leave it at that, shall we?

My cousin Susan was thrilled with the idea – she decided that when and if she gets married, she’s incorporating the guns right into her vows: “Do you promise to hold her, in good times and in bad, we talked about this, right, don’t make me take the safety off this thing, we talked about this, good times and in bad, you promise, that’s it (bang!), I’ve had it, I fuckin’ told you, love, honor, and OBEY, bitch (bang!), we TALKED about this…”  Not sure I’d have the courage to marry her myself, but I’d love to watch that ceremony.

Then there was an hour between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception, presumably so they could consummate the wedding right away.  Given how long the bride waited for my cousin to figure out that she’s perfect, I can’t blame her a bit.  No backing out now, Drew!

Number One Son Takes Aim

Number One Son Takes Aim

After the ceremony, Number One Son wanted to go see the guns next door, so we moseyed on over there and got a short tour of some hombre’s six-shooter.  Since he wasn’t able to actually hold the gun, which we were assured held no bullets (the hombre showed us the empty chambers), Number One Son contented hisownself with showing a few milk canisters what it means to be on the business side of a bow and arrow.  He acquitted himself well from a distance of about 18 inches.

I Can Still Taste the Wedding Cake; Ain't It Sweet After All These Years

"Ain't It Sweet After All These Years"

Following the ceremony and consummation, there was a delightful dinner, drinks, cake, and dancing.  As if I weren’t impressed enough, the first dance was to Queen, and the Father-Daughter dance was to Led Zeppelin.  My cousin has married well.

Since at this point the three lunatic children were moving from the best behaved children at the place to the worst behaved children at the place, we decided that discretion was the better part of valor and that we’d better get them out for the three-and-a-half hour trip back to the hotel.  (It’s probably worth noting that they were the only children in the place.)

On the way back, as we drove through whatever the weather was like, Number One Son spent a few minutes telling us about how things would be at his wedding, which we assumed to be hypothetical until he told us, “Yeah, which will probably be to Emily Washername, in my class last year.  She’s the only person who could help me calm down.”  SOBUMD and I looked at each other, pole-axed: There’s an Emily?  News to us.  News to her, too, is our guess, but hey.  We made the hotel in record time, falling to sleep with dreams of bullets, brides, and booze.

Next up:  The Reigning Queen of Pink turns nine, and there’s nothing you can do to stop her!